mal66

I'm struggling to find inner peace; I'm trying to be more intune to my spirituality..I think it will be the key to finding peace & may be my only option if I'm going to survive this tumultuous period...

When I was a child and had nightmares, I learned how to force myself to wake up to avoid the perceived threat I was about to encounter..I am now living a nightmare and wish to force myself into a...

Not part of mankind, nor any kind of a man; Comparing to others, always feeling less than.. Lacking courage & strength to overcome my plight, No desire or will to put up a strong fight.. A random...

..is presently at an all-time high!  I am so frustrated & have so much hate that it is almost intolerable.  All I want to do is punish me by hurting myself so severely or put myself in a permanent...

I had a melt-down during yesterday's therapy session.  Still wounded from the emotional exchanges from last week; still processing it all..The cross-roads of my marriage are now no longer...

My spouse & I had a heart to heart 'session' of our own last nite.  I had my therapy session earlier and the therapist said that me & the wife either need to move toward each other or away from each...

I'm in limbo, at the cross-roads & I'm not sure what to do, where to go, how to proceed..Strong suicidal ideations continue; self-hate endures & intensifies at times..Do I keep plowing forward with...

Desparately longing for an everlasting intimacy - wish it were a falacy but lonliness seems to be my destiny...Placed here as an outcast in a world of chaos- in order to find internal peace.  I...

I don't know how long I have here (understandably none of us do) but I believe my days, if not moments, are numbered..I'm just trying to internally clarify the particulars & find some final peace in...

A follow-up to my hitman journal: I know someone that knows someone and the opportunity was there..I could have asked if he was interested; I would've had to give him the money up-front...it was some...

Just was thinking today of inquiring the services of a hitman for offing me.  I'll pay him & he can even use my gun.  Purpose: I get what I want, spouse gets to be burden free, and my family gets...

Totally grasping the concept of (authentic) self-love seems to be beyond my level of understanding.  Having a life long self image of much disdain, despisement & dislike; it's of no surprise this...

I grew up in the church; my father being a minister.  I was 'saved' last year.  It was shortly after that when my life seemed to spiral downward when I expected the opposite to happen.  Other...

I'm expending so much energy trying to keep my lost, troubled soul from falling into the wrong hands...the process of finding me feels as if I must sacrifice everything else.   Guess you can't...

Another frustrating reflection on my own life...it's unknown, at the time of this entry, what the cause of death was - deliberate, assisted, or natural causes.If it was the later, I am outraged her...