A frustrating nightmare..
Totally grasping the concept of (authentic) self-love seems to be beyond my level of understanding. Having a life long self image of much disdain, despisement & dislike; it's of no surprise this has intensified into self-hatred. I believe this progression will everntually lead to it's logical conclusion of self-annihilation/destruction if this inertial course isn't miraculously altered...
I very shamefully acknowledge my self worth has always been, by default, outsourced..so it is of no surprise that my mental well-being is the price I've sacrificed. I have now reached a point where I can no longer optain self-worth because there's 'insufficient funds' on my mental health account...Disappointing others would cause much pain, frustration (of incompetence), anger (directed inward) depleting my 'mental health account'. I now want to 'punish' myself for over-drafting this account; I now have nothing left - no worth of self & a mind that has a mind of it's own because I feel I've lost all control of it...My self worth would always be on the line in my 'service' to others. Social settings would require alcohol to mask my unknown self-identity in order to normalized my personna so that acceptance, though artificial, will be felt...
I once had someone that loved me, saw something in me that was positive, loveable and I even began to look at myself a little differently - but my demons over-ruled; I began to devalue, mistrust her love for me leading me astray, isolated...this ultimately influenced & changed her perspective; our previously vowed future together has desinagrated into regret..I am now an outsider in her world - just as I am in everyone elses; givin the choice between exile or solitary confinement...She looks at me with much hostility, resentment, disgust and now regrets that our paths not only crossed but why she chose to walk this path with me and not complied to the warning signs. I now must walk this path alone; without a co-pilot...I feel like the straw-man from the wizard of oz - lost with no friends, no Dorothy, and no 'yellow brick road' in sight - barely able to stand on my feet...All of this has reaffirmed my negative self image totally depleting any positive affirmations that were in the process of being developed & nutured. I have since been degrading myself for what I've put her thru...I have been in constant review of my errors much like a coach reviews/analyzes film of his opposition in preparation for battle... I am spiraling; free-falling into the depths of intense self-hatred and rage. I have a constant daily battle of avoiding total self-destruction and annihilation; I am growing very, very fatigued with this struggle. I am very surprised, but now very disappointed, that I have survived this stigma for 45yrs. I believe that I am functioning now on borrowed time..
I very shamefully acknowledge my self worth has always been, by default, outsourced..so it is of no surprise that my mental well-being is the price I've sacrificed. I have now reached a point where I can no longer optain self-worth because there's 'insufficient funds' on my mental health account...Disappointing others would cause much pain, frustration (of incompetence), anger (directed inward) depleting my 'mental health account'. I now want to 'punish' myself for over-drafting this account; I now have nothing left - no worth of self & a mind that has a mind of it's own because I feel I've lost all control of it...My self worth would always be on the line in my 'service' to others. Social settings would require alcohol to mask my unknown self-identity in order to normalized my personna so that acceptance, though artificial, will be felt...
I once had someone that loved me, saw something in me that was positive, loveable and I even began to look at myself a little differently - but my demons over-ruled; I began to devalue, mistrust her love for me leading me astray, isolated...this ultimately influenced & changed her perspective; our previously vowed future together has desinagrated into regret..I am now an outsider in her world - just as I am in everyone elses; givin the choice between exile or solitary confinement...She looks at me with much hostility, resentment, disgust and now regrets that our paths not only crossed but why she chose to walk this path with me and not complied to the warning signs. I now must walk this path alone; without a co-pilot...I feel like the straw-man from the wizard of oz - lost with no friends, no Dorothy, and no 'yellow brick road' in sight - barely able to stand on my feet...All of this has reaffirmed my negative self image totally depleting any positive affirmations that were in the process of being developed & nutured. I have since been degrading myself for what I've put her thru...I have been in constant review of my errors much like a coach reviews/analyzes film of his opposition in preparation for battle... I am spiraling; free-falling into the depths of intense self-hatred and rage. I have a constant daily battle of avoiding total self-destruction and annihilation; I am growing very, very fatigued with this struggle. I am very surprised, but now very disappointed, that I have survived this stigma for 45yrs. I believe that I am functioning now on borrowed time..
Replies
As I read your story I sense the ticking of time. You are at a cross roads without two choices - there are (many) more than that.
I\'m glad somehow even though this writing is so despairing that you can write about your sense of low self-esteem. I\'m not clear though - are you saying that your sense of self-esteem is (totally) dependant on others?
I sense that we share a similar dilema (sp?). That is in the \"social\" world, in general, it is not okay to show you are vulnerable or damaged (though how can anyone be otherwise)?
I have demons also - demons who say just let it alone. How much can I accomplish or undo of the damage which has been done in my 55+ years, all of the parts which never got a chance to grow which at best are in their early tens (ha-ha).
Sorry to bring this back to me but I would say that although I am not suicidal at this point, I can relate to your situation. I\'m sorry that you and your wife are at cross-purposes that can\'t be good but it seems that very few relationships withstand life.
I\'ll be thinking about you and will re-read this long story you just printed. I imagine it took great courage for you to put it out there - just as it is.
PRINT THIS, WHAT YOU\'VE WRITTEN, AND GIVE IT TO YOUR PSYCHIATRIST. If my daughter had said in LIFE what she said in her last letter to me, she\'d still BE ALIVE. You need testing (psychological written testing) and a re-evaluation of your medication. It isn\'t self-hate that you feel, it is the result of the chemical imbalance, the isolation, the \"tape\" running in your mind, that is FALSE. We all have often chosen the wrong life partners, I\'ve done it myself many times; a wife or husband takes a vow and that should mean something. As your wife, your partner (in a perfect world) would take responsibility for HER DECISION TO MARRY YOU, instead of blaming you, and stand by you. I know how difficult and punishing it is to live with someone who has a mental illness, trust me, but there would NEVER have been ONE MOMENT in time when I would have abandoned my daughter or allowed her to go into long term hospitalization. Unconditional love is impossible to find, almost, between marital partners. As a mother, she had that from me. You told me last week that you were attempting to help others: THIS IS THE DIRECTION for you. When you help others, you learn to help yourself; when you love others, you learn to love yourself. NO ONE is without worth, God LOVES each one as if s/he were the ONLY one. THAT MEANS YOU. Don\'t go down with this ship, friend. Keep fighting.
Sometimes we work extremely hard at convincing others of our lack of self-worth. It makes life oh so much easier when no one expects anything good from us. It lets us off the hook. That you CARE about the effect you have on the lives of others - \"I have now reached a point where I can no longer obtain self-worth because there\'s \'insufficient funds\' on my mental health...Disappointing others would cause me much pain, frustration of incompetence, anger (directed inward) depleting my \'bank account\'.\" That you CARE about the affect you have on others is a very GOOD SIGN. Somehow, you have taught yourself, or been taught by some significant \'other\' in your life, to DEVALUE yourself. You \'CARE\' about disappointing other people but do not feel you deserve the same consideration. That is a LEARNED RESPONSE and it can be REPLACED WITH RELEANING. You see yourself as not being WORTHY of the care you have for others. This is ALL LEANED BEHAVIOR where you can retrain yourself to care about you also. Identify the source, CAUSE, of you \'learning\' to NOT CARE about you. What happened in your life that convinced you that somehow you did not deserve good self care but that you could give this CARE to others? And those you gave this CARE to did not return the care to you -- perhaps giving something less than caring to you in response? Self hate is LEARNED, CONDITIONED just as is self love and appreciation. You have had experiences in your life that CONDITIONED you to hate yourself. The ONLY BEHAVIOR that exists is behavior that is REWARDED in some way. Negative rewards can be just as valuable to us when the positive rewards we need and seek out are not available. A child seeking attention from parents will do well when the attention is positive and reinforces positive behavior but if the child is unable to acquire the needed POSITIVE rewards than NEGATIVE rewards are better than NONE AT ALL. You need to REWARD the behavior you want to see in yourself and understand that ONLY BEHAVIOR THAT IS REWARDED WILL PERSIST and even NEGATIVE rewards are preferred over NO REWARD AT ALL. This SELF HATE where you also feel the need to HARM yourself is being REWARDED and you need to identify who is giving you the rewards and why they need you to HATE yourself to the place where you seek your own destruction. Who is it you have \'outsourced\' your \'self esteem\' to? \"I very shamefully acknowledge my self value/self-esteem has always been outsourced..so it is of no surprise that my mental well-being is the price I\'ve sacrificed.\" Who is it you gave your self-esteem to where they left you crushed as you are today? Who is it that has left you to feel you do not deserve a happy, fulfilling and meaningful life?
You need to TAKE BACK YOUR POWER for yourself. Take back what you gave to someone that you TRUSTED and they inflicted harm on you which has left you crushed. In small, baby-steps you need to learn to nurture yourself and give yourself permission to HEAL and feel WHOLE and deserving of LOVE. Identify those people in your life that are TOXIC to your well being; self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It seems you may have given the best of you to someone or multiple people who may have been toxic and harmed your ability to experience healthy self-care/love. It may be time for a SALVAGE OPERATION where you begin to reclaim your life and sense of self and begin to HEAL and begin to create a quality life for yourself. We have all made the mistake of trusting someone with our lives who has used us up and stomped us into the ground. It simply is a part of learning to be human and that NOT EVERYONE CAN BE TRUSTED with our lives. The love we are not able to get from others we need to learn to give to ourselves and IT CAN AND IS LEARNED EVERYDAY by people who have been left harmed and damaged by life experiences.
Give yourself permission to LOVE YOU and begin to seek out self-healing. If you take a bath and brush your teeth that is self-care and self-love is doing the same for your emotional and mental health.
Gentle ((hugs)) shared.
:-) Patricia
Your portrayal of your situation was very well written and honest. I have a life that has been full of self-destruction and even suicide attempts. Although I still do things that aren\'t good for me I do them with less ferocity than I used to and I don\'t put myself in harms way as I once did. You can improve in declaring a cease fire on yourself. It will pay immediate benefits toward improving your mood and capabilities in life. Don\'t lose hope that you too can improve significantly. Message me anytime.
That\'s not God see you. Think about it. love
@ Kindmirrow, You\'re correct - but I see each cross-road having a dead-end...my self-worth is exclusively externally dependent which directly impacts self-esteem, self confidence, & identity. I feel like a mannequin, android, bot with artificial/virtual intelligence with automated actions dependent on the commands of others programmed by my demons...I\'m starting to convince myself that my life is a scripted episode from the twilight zone...
Hi again - Any choice has an end at some point. I sense like me that there is another voice which has greater difficulty speaking (and being supported by outside feedback - fellow DSers, the \"(old) news\", etc. - this is the voice who hasn\'t given up hope.
I have hope for you.