Escape..
When I was a child and had nightmares, I learned how to force myself to wake up to avoid the perceived threat I was about to encounter..I am now living a nightmare and wish to force myself into a permanent comatose state to avoid the perceived painful dead-end torturous future I will inevidently face..
This opportunity alluringly presented itself to me approximately 3-weeks ago when I spontaneously decided to attempt suicide..I tried to o/d on meds, even those that I no longer take that I had in my medicine cabinet, with sleeping pills. All it did was make me sick and put me into a deep sleep. I was awakened by sirens and a room full of EMTs & police; I was guided out of my house on shaky legs, placed on a stretcher and hauled off to the ER. After 2-days in the hospital room - on suicide watch (I was never left alone in the room; even when I used the bathroom) - I was relocated to the ward where I spent the next 5-days; my 2nd visit to the ward in 6-months. My first night was spent in the lock-down ward where the psychotics were kept; looking around there were some real kooks: a dude that walked around looking down & picking up every crumb on the floor; a young girl who put stole her room-mates clothes & put them on; my room-mate who constantly solicited the staff for smokes & sound like a moose when he snored; a dude who claimed to be Osama Bin Laden's brother: Akbar & sought revenge on the US for killing his brother; and another dud who claimed to be Jesus..I was ready to leave this ward the minute I arrived; if I was kept there they would've had to keep me there 'cause I would've gone crazy..
After being relocated to the 'adult ward', I felt more relaxed and even viewed my stay as a retreat; behind those walls I felt protected, not from myself but from the responsibilities of living. Meals are brought to you, I can sleep, watch tv, read, and do absolutely nothing if I want - even tho' there's not much else to do other than those things I mentioned, I was content with that. Looking out the window I had greater pleasure in giving the world outside the middle fingers..I actually felt a little sad to leave.
My mental state is again, drifting back towards suicidal ideations; everyone fears, and rightly so, that I will relapse once I re-establish my routine of responsibilities: work, paying bills, dealing with a failing marriage, coping with my clinical & chronic depression, etc. Life has been one endless struggle with little reprieve & a future that appears even less sympathetic to my plight..as a result I've found myself concocting my next fail-proof attempt; transporting myself into welcoming nirvana and escaping the vicious threats of a torturous future..
This opportunity alluringly presented itself to me approximately 3-weeks ago when I spontaneously decided to attempt suicide..I tried to o/d on meds, even those that I no longer take that I had in my medicine cabinet, with sleeping pills. All it did was make me sick and put me into a deep sleep. I was awakened by sirens and a room full of EMTs & police; I was guided out of my house on shaky legs, placed on a stretcher and hauled off to the ER. After 2-days in the hospital room - on suicide watch (I was never left alone in the room; even when I used the bathroom) - I was relocated to the ward where I spent the next 5-days; my 2nd visit to the ward in 6-months. My first night was spent in the lock-down ward where the psychotics were kept; looking around there were some real kooks: a dude that walked around looking down & picking up every crumb on the floor; a young girl who put stole her room-mates clothes & put them on; my room-mate who constantly solicited the staff for smokes & sound like a moose when he snored; a dude who claimed to be Osama Bin Laden's brother: Akbar & sought revenge on the US for killing his brother; and another dud who claimed to be Jesus..I was ready to leave this ward the minute I arrived; if I was kept there they would've had to keep me there 'cause I would've gone crazy..
After being relocated to the 'adult ward', I felt more relaxed and even viewed my stay as a retreat; behind those walls I felt protected, not from myself but from the responsibilities of living. Meals are brought to you, I can sleep, watch tv, read, and do absolutely nothing if I want - even tho' there's not much else to do other than those things I mentioned, I was content with that. Looking out the window I had greater pleasure in giving the world outside the middle fingers..I actually felt a little sad to leave.
My mental state is again, drifting back towards suicidal ideations; everyone fears, and rightly so, that I will relapse once I re-establish my routine of responsibilities: work, paying bills, dealing with a failing marriage, coping with my clinical & chronic depression, etc. Life has been one endless struggle with little reprieve & a future that appears even less sympathetic to my plight..as a result I've found myself concocting my next fail-proof attempt; transporting myself into welcoming nirvana and escaping the vicious threats of a torturous future..
Replies
I have no idea what you are perceiving as a \"fail-proof\" attempt. There\'s a greater chance you\'ll survive and be worse off than you already are.
You\'re still here for a reason you may not see at this minute, some may be the kindness, compassion and understanding you give to others.
I hope you will come to see what a wonderful man you really are, others can, maybe time you look in the mirror and LET yourself see who we see.....
You really don\'t know what the future holds. Please hang on. You have a son that would never get over your death.He would go through hell for life. Please don\'t harm yourself. You are such a kind, caring, compassionate person. Please before you hurt yourself get some help. Please call 911 before you harm yourself. I am so glad to have met you. I care.
I tried in November after years of feeling that way and the odd attempt.... And the past few days I\'ve been thinking how glad I am to be alive. First time in 7 years. And before that it wasn\'t all plain sailing. I can\'t believe I am actually glad to be alive. Please please hold on, accept any help offered
Thanks for your expressions of compassion; I just don\'t have any for myself..looking in the mirror will just enrage me to the point where I will smash the mirror then hope I fatally slice my wrist in the process! Yes; I consistantly hate myself that much!!
I can so relate to what you say about living being one endless struggle.
I\'m sorry you are feeling so terrible. I can only say I feel that way too.
I wish there was some way out of this madness.
Timely information. thank you for sharing. As I contemplate my own suicide, the story of you being carried away really struck home with me.
I am so sorry that you are suffering so much it\'s hard to know what to say that can make you feel better because l can see you\'ve been struggling for so long and you\'re lows are horrendous for you to attempt suicide. I know you are looking for a better way out l know you are falling back into despair but....
As much as you see your life as falling apart, as hard as your fight to stay here is you are loved even if you can\'t feel it the loss of someone is beyond words it isn\'t selfish of those around you to find it hard to see you suffer but still want you here, they want you to fight to try to take each day as it comes to not believe that this is your life forever.
I know what depression is and how it works, I\'ve also been where you are and l know l will be there again because l live with bipolar and it is an evil disease, but I cannot let this take my life without another fight because of those who love me and the trauma that would stay with them forever if l took my life. No they would not be better off without you the frustration they feel from not being able to help you the hurt they feel from seeing you in pain would become a nightmare of grief without you that is the reality of taking your life.
and yes I am asking you to do the impossible....and l\'m so sorry that l have to but l do