I don't understand..
I grew up in the church; my father being a minister. I was 'saved' last year. It was shortly after that when my life seemed to spiral downward when I expected the opposite to happen. Other ministers/deacons warned me that the demons will now be more persistant in claiming my soul. In retrospect, looks like they were on point with their foresight and I did nothing to brace myself for the onslaught. I am now at a point where my faith has dwindled to nothing & I'm just not seeing 'eye to eye' with 'HIM'...People of faith say to 'trust' him; that he will never leave or forsake you. I don't feel his presence and don't believe he either cares or is punishing me for my lack of faith or for listening to my 'demons' instead of HE. I've never felt so lost & alone as I do now. My demons tell me that once I am alone, they will seize control of my soul. Whatever the case, I have faith/belief issues with HIM, those around me, and even within myself. I'm at a cross roads - right here, right now. I will either succomb to my 'deamons' - which seems so very tempting & easy to do; to allow my frustrations/anger/rage/hate loose to self destruct. It is like having a raging pit bull by the leash; he is very angry at another creature - seeking to destroy it. It's pulling, trying to break free and I am losing grip, strength, wanting so badly to just let go and allow it to kill/destroy it's prey - but that prey/creature is me...
...Or I can place faith/trust in 'HIM' someone/something abstract that I have a very difficult time with. My mind is trained, geared to (creative) problem solving; result oriented as my trade is architecture/engineering..How do I let go of my issues to something abstract? Something I have no connection with? How do I even establish a connection? I see & hear other's testimonies and believe them; but why doesn't he work with me - am I less important? I understand there are others that are in more dire straits than I am so perhaps he'll 'get around' to me at some point. Perhaps I'm in line, like 'customer service' and I just have to wait until 'my turn' to see the 'grand wizard' and tell him about my ills & issues...Why can't I just have the faith that everyone else seems to have. With faith, there's belief, with belief there's hope, with hope there's patience...This process seems to instill peace in those that practive their faith; they understand that life is cyclical. Perhaps my lesson in this life is to learn how to have faith; I don't know...I just have so many soul seeking questions & I feel I'm on borrowed time...
...Or I can place faith/trust in 'HIM' someone/something abstract that I have a very difficult time with. My mind is trained, geared to (creative) problem solving; result oriented as my trade is architecture/engineering..How do I let go of my issues to something abstract? Something I have no connection with? How do I even establish a connection? I see & hear other's testimonies and believe them; but why doesn't he work with me - am I less important? I understand there are others that are in more dire straits than I am so perhaps he'll 'get around' to me at some point. Perhaps I'm in line, like 'customer service' and I just have to wait until 'my turn' to see the 'grand wizard' and tell him about my ills & issues...Why can't I just have the faith that everyone else seems to have. With faith, there's belief, with belief there's hope, with hope there's patience...This process seems to instill peace in those that practive their faith; they understand that life is cyclical. Perhaps my lesson in this life is to learn how to have faith; I don't know...I just have so many soul seeking questions & I feel I'm on borrowed time...
Replies
One year ago this month I was taken to the ER by ambulance from severe neglect. I had a lifetime of faith and since the death of my husband left me to cope alone with severe disability, I clung to my beliefs - to the place of death in the ER where I was left alone, unloved and for dead with my \'church\' located just blocks away form where I was left severely neglected; facing death. I was faced with a choice - I could stay invested in my beliefs and continue to face this process of a horrific death from severe neglect or I could take what limited energy I had left to me, after nine years of such neglect and mistreatment by the Christian community I had considered to be literally as \'family\', along with the bible god that was in charge of my life and care, and invest my energy instead into saving my life by embracing reality for what it was and no longer attempting to try and make reality fit my beliefs, which was not possible I discovered. I did not have enough energy left to both invest into my beliefs and invest into saving my life. I spent a bit of time thinking over the previous nine years and how neglected and very ill I had been and all of the medical emergencies that were the direct result of trying to survive such extreme neglect and that left me to began to see reality for what it in TRUTH was. Simply, the god of the bible had, for those nine years, been MIA when I was convinced he loved and took special care of widows, orphans and the fatherless along with the aged and disabled. I was forced that night to understand reality as it is and not as my \'beliefs\' wanted reality to be. I realized I was alone and if I were to survive to see the sun rise the following morning I had no choice but to take my limited energy and invest it into saving my life and let go of what had left me so severely neglected and alone as to face repeated medical emergencies and close to death experiences. I was heartbroken but I made my choice, LIFE, and have never regretted making that choice. I redirected all of my limited energy into saving my life and let go of what had left me so severely neglected as to require an ambulance to take me to the ER to face my own death. I have no ill will toward the bible god as it was his choice, if real, to hand me a stone while I, as his child suffered starvation, and to me any father capable of inflicting such harm is not a father at all. I realized the bible god I had spent my life believing in simply could not treat me for nine years as I had surivived and I was forced to accept that this bible god simply was not as the bible stated him to be. Once I determined the god of the bible could not possibly be as claimed by the bible I moved on to embracing my life and seeking healing for myself and SURVIVED being severely neglected and left for dead by those claiming to love this invisible deity. Today, I believe in a god that created existence and became one with that blast of energy and it is the laws of physics and evolution, which were created at the same time as existence, that has led reality to where it is at today. I fully embrace \'created\' reality, called the Big Bang, and allow it to teach and direct me in learning what TRUTH I am to follow in life. I still get to believe in god, it is just now I believe in a god that fits the reality I have been forced to survive. I have no ill will or anger at the god of the bible, and if in fact real, he knows where I live and is free to love and care for me anytime he chooses to do so. It was not me that went MIA but him for the nine years I was left severely disabled alone after the death of my husband where I had been subjected to severe neglect and too much harm at the hands of the Christian community that left me facing death form such severe neglect and with this bible god in charge of, and over it all, I was forced to understand the reality as it was or face death by staying with beliefs that had left me for dead. I have stopped holding my breath waiting for the bible god to love me as is stated in the bible with him having such a special love and compassion for widows, orphans and the fatherless along with the aged and disabled who are surviving unprotected and unloved. I suppose we all reach the place of no longer being able to hold our breath - sooner or later, and I suppose some may hold their breath until dead, as I came close to doing that night in the ER a year ago. We each must make our own choice.
If what you have is a chemical imbalance it may be very treatable and the new medications have helped many to reclaim their lives and with treatment find happiness again.
We are all children of the universe that created us and whatever \'god\' is in charge is whatever we chose to perceive him/her/higher power/it/sun/moon or whatever to be. Our \'god\' is whatever we chose this god to be. Even those of the same faith, and even the same church, do not hold identical views of what god IS or even as to what \'god\' expects us to do or to believe. Churches SPLIT from disagreements in faith and the details about god all the time. To me if the god of the bible were real I would not have been severely neglected for nine years to the place of repeated medical emergencies and facing death more than a few times -- not after a lifetime of faithful beliefs and service to what I called \'Father\'. Now, if the god of the bible is real than it was his choice to leave me for nine years extremely neglected to the place of death, I can\'t believe that of the bible god and that leaves me with proof that this bible god cannot be as the bible claims him to be. If real, that god can do as promised in the bible in caring for widows, orphans along with the fatherless and the aged as well as the disabled. I do not see that happening and just the opposite and way too much of the opposite for the bible to believed by me any longer. I chose life that night I was left for dead from severe neglect in the ER and I have never regretted that decision as death was all that remained for me to honor my lifetime of faith with.
I have an abundance of faith and beliefs today but they are all grounded in the reality I have been forced to survive.
You are on your path of self discovery as is every other human being. We are all in the process of change - 24/7/365 as we journey seeking our own truth to live by.
Follow what feels right to you and fits your life. That is all ANY of can do, and if those of strong faith were completely honest, it is exactly what they have done also. They may call it the leading of the Holy Spirit or God or whatever but it is within them that this leading takes place and they can claim it to be whatever fits their needs. the human imagination is very, VERY powerful and we can \'imagine\' anything - and DO.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
God does not impose Himself on us and the enemy is always at work but frankly I have to say that this \"warning\" was almost a self fulfilling prophecy. I don\'t know what sect of Protestantism you belong to but the theology is just wrong. Having faith in God does NOT remove our physical, psychological problems. This is not a magic wand. You\'re \"trained\" to be objective and look for \"proof\"? Look around you. Take a look at the photos taken by the Hubble. How much PROOF do you need? Study quantum physics, the materialist world of science is doing a very slow, very slow, but wide turn around to First Cause and ubiquitous consciousness. STUDY QUANTUM PHYSICS and you will BELIEVE because that is where God is revealing Himself to the world. And remember: you can \"throw out the fleece\" and ask God to prove Himself to you but be ready for the consequences. I\'ve done it. He will answer you in ways you are not able to imagine. ALL sickness and suffering comes from the enemy. God is merciful and loving and all powerful, He can and has defeated the enemy. I suggest you study the work of St. Ignatius who spoke about spiritual desolation. I suggest you purchase the DVD from EWTN with this series of teaching. Link is:
http://www.ewtnreligiouscatalogue.com/LIVING+THE+DISCERNING+LIFE+SPIRITUAL+TEACHING+DVD/shop.axd/ProductDetails?x=0&y=0&keywords=St.+Ignatius&edp_no=23867
YOU have some sort of brain imbalance, it isn\'t just your trained objectivity that\'s in the way. You need your medication to be re-evaluated by a sophisticated psychiatrist. AND you need to stop seeing being \"saved\" as some sort of magical event because THAT is demonic. Give God time, you are so \"hell\"bent on ending it all or wishing it would all end that you are blocking the communication between you.
Jill
http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php
I hope this helps Mal.
Like a cloudy sky, we don\'t feel the sun, we don\'t see the sun but we know the sun is out there. It will eventually shine forth.... seek for wisdom, seek for patience, seek to persevere. I have been down on that road. Yes, the more trails and toils you are facing, the more presence He is with you and you don\'t don\'t feel it. I\'ve been on that road before and I know the struggles. You are being purified and you will be as pure as gold though during the process is quite painful and distraught. I am here to support you with powerful prayers. Believe in the sun and the SON!
Our Lord and Savior lifted up his voice and said with incomparable majesty: \"Let all men know that grace comes after tribulation. Let them know that without the burden of afflictions it is impossible to reach the height of grace. Let them know that the gifts of grace increase as the struggles increase. Let men take care not to stray and be deceived. This is the only true stairway to paradise, and without the cross they can find no road to climb to heaven.\" When I heard these words, a strong force came upon me and seemed to place me in the middle of a street, so that I might say in a loud voice to people of every age, sex and status: \"Hear, O people; hear, O nations. I am warning you about the commandment of Christ by using words that came from his own lips: We cannot obtain grace unless we suffer afflictions. We must heap trouble upon trouble to attain a deep participation in the divine nature, the glory of the sons of God and perfect happiness of soul.\"
-- St. Rose of Lima