The beginning of the end..
My spouse & I had a heart to heart 'session' of our own last nite. I had my therapy session earlier and the therapist said that me & the wife either need to move toward each other or away from each other. Our current situation is that we are 'room-mates'; each avoiding 'talking' to each other; there's no emotional connection - it's not healthy. We talk about general things: weather, school, work, etc. My spouse has proclaimed that the marriage is over; she doesn't want to 'work' on anything - says she's tried very hard over the years (I agree she has!) to make it work & she's tired. She's stayed with me for fear of me falling apart if she left...therapist says that's not healthy for either of us. Therapist says I must find my own reason for living; it can't revolve exclusively around my spouse/marriage. Problem is, I don't have a reason for me...My son has given me some purpose; it'll be very difficult to focus on that if we're now going to be apart. He calls me his 'buddy'; he's the only 'buddy' I have in this world...Although I am devastated, I am not shocked! The thought of not having her around or my son around day to day is very saddening; my spirit is broken. I'm a shell of a person right now. My will/desire to go on just decreased a few notches below where I've been lately; I'm really not sure I'm going to come out of this alive..My depression is somewhat cyclic - it intensifies randomly w/o warning; I fear the next wave will wype me off the face of the earth...I'm now at my own cross-roads; press-on or give up. I have no idea how to press-on right now - giving up just seems like the solution to it all...
Replies
Huggs. Giving up is never the solution. But I know how you feel. I prayed to God last night to take me in my sleep.. He doesnt want me.
Oops. Sorry. My mind wandered. Wish I had the magic words to make you feel better.
Praying to God to take you is futile; I don\'t know anyone that\'s got their wish granted, unless they were already on their deathbed..
Dear Mal, I certainly feel for your situation. Although I do not share with you my dependance on others I too face a challenging task of rebuilding a life which feels welcoming.
I can\'t resist the impulse to try to be helpful so the best I can come up with us this: your life is very tough right now.
Seek out experiences which reinforce the good. You are right. Why would anyone want to continue with a life of great suffering? But the fact is many of us do and can do so.
Don\'t give up on yourself it your relationship with your buddy (son).
Do you realize you are lucky that your son loves you with an open heart. That\'s a beautiful thing which doesn\'t exist in my own family.
This must be incredibly difficult for you to deal with. I am moved by your plight. I agree that you must carry on for the sake of your relationship with your son. He is going to need you deeply here in the near future and you must be here to listen and love and reassure him that you will remain a stable point in his tumultuous young life. I know it seems impossible right now but I hope someday you will find someone who will treat you with love and believe in you and be committed to you. There are better women out there and as I have said there is a lot of good in you that someone will appreciate. We are all the broken ones who carry on in the face of incredible pain and I know you can make it through this. For your son\'s sake you must.
You\'re at the beginning of a new chapter, what ever the outcome. Head up, and keep messaging me.
I am at the very same cross roads in my life too. I seems so overwhelming but at the same time i know i have to go on and be there for my children. It is by far the most painful thing ive had to decide. To stay would be vowing to stay in an unhealthy relationship and have no meaning or purpose in my life... to go will mean extreme pain in admitting it is totally over even thought in my heart i know it has been over for years. Living as room mates basically just isnt an option for me anymore. Hugggzzz i wish you peace in everything you must go threw.
Double ditto what good2 go has said as well as others..if you can find no other reason, your \"buddy\" will be devasted to lose you.
All I can say is I know exactly how you feel but your son would never get over you dying... He needs you... You aren\'t alone ok. I do care. You can message me anytime.
I also wanted to say you are valued. You were so kind to me and sent me some words that I appreciated so much in a hug. It meant alot to me.