Self Hate..
..is presently at an all-time high! I am so frustrated & have so much hate that it is almost intolerable. All I want to do is punish me by hurting myself so severely or put myself in a permanent comatose state to avoid this increasingly unbearable, conscious existence. My negative thoughts have been ravishing all other thoughts & activity. I don't believe in myself nor do I believe I will ever be happy with myself. I want separation, permanent relief from this devious entity within me but the only way I know how is total self-destruction. It's like having a termite infestration problem and burning the whole house down as the solution..
I don't have the energy, nor is my will to live strong enough, to combat the negativity. Perhaps the truth is I really don't want happiness because it requires so much effort to change my negative thought patterns; perhaps I'm content on being constantly miserable because it's the only company I'm familiar with. I just want to give up. The only news that would make me 'happy' is if a reliable source told me I only have x amount of days or (even better!) hours to live! I don't want to "find" a reason FOR ME to be here - I'm not worth that effort!! I actually fear death but I fear living even more...
I don't have the energy, nor is my will to live strong enough, to combat the negativity. Perhaps the truth is I really don't want happiness because it requires so much effort to change my negative thought patterns; perhaps I'm content on being constantly miserable because it's the only company I'm familiar with. I just want to give up. The only news that would make me 'happy' is if a reliable source told me I only have x amount of days or (even better!) hours to live! I don't want to "find" a reason FOR ME to be here - I'm not worth that effort!! I actually fear death but I fear living even more...
Replies
You have a gift of clarity but you also have an overwhelming sense of despair. You are right. It will not be easy to learn how to define yourself solamente (solely - soulfully) on your own best judgement.
What will swing you fully to your other side who hangs on and wants to heal? I cannot provide your answers.
I do know I have my own inner voices which resist solid good change, which spit upon my dreams and won\'t help me climb above my habits of giving in.
How to fully listen to the soul who is really on my side and capable of merging together this strange mish mash of a life? Most honest answer is I don\'t know. I\'m needing a therapist to help me heal but she can only provide the vessel. I have to do the hard inner work.
I wish you faith to gain and build what you need in this life.
I wish you realization that the friend you need is also inside yourself waiting for you to reach out and mend a life which is not working.
You are worth a reason to live. You always make me smile with your comments. You called it right the other day when you said my letter would back fire in my face. Please give yourself the credit that is due you. You care about others so much. You need to find a way to make it work in your favor. Huggsssssss.
I understand self hate, but I also know that we have to ablity to change who we are. I do not know you, but I can guess that every choice you made along the way to getting where you are was made in an attempt to either avoid pain, or get to somewhere good. If that\'s the case, then the person you ARE is essentially logical.
Not perfect, flawed (I for sure am not perfect), but OK...and well better than some other people I see out there.
Sometimes it\'s perspective. You hurt, but it probably makes you a far better person than someone that doesn\'t care who they hurt. (And I\'m sure like me, you sometimes hurt others, but hey, others sometimes hurt us.....bleck, bleck, bleck, on and on...)
I\'ve never talked to you before, but ran across your post in the friends of suicide forum. I really do wish you out of that pain.
Wow. You described my feelings toward myself perfectly. I hope we both can overcome this terrible scourge of self hate and find a reason to live. We both have reasons to press on. For you it is your son..
I have been beset by strong feelings of defeat this past week. I just don\'t have an offsetting positive perspective of self...