Hitman wanted..
Just was thinking today of inquiring the services of a hitman for offing me. I'll pay him & he can even use my gun. Purpose: I get what I want, spouse gets to be burden free, and my family gets my life insurance pay-out! What I call a win-win for everyone! The hitman can even use my gun & can keep it as a 'bonus'...Wow, why didn't I think of this before. Now that I have a concept; I can work out the details...knowing my days on this f'd up planet could now be numbered maybe I'll finally get a full good nite's sleep (before taking that eternal dirt nap!). I HATE ME SO MUCH!!!
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Seems you may have a chemical imbalance. I know we share because we are seeking to survive. At some level you care very much and seem determined to convince yourself of the opposite. Keep working it out. At some level you are seeking to survive. Sharing is a form of survival. That is what keeps me going along with many others here on DS. It is the shared support which helps us hang on and find our way. It is not just journaling you are engaging in because you could keep such a posting private - it is the sharing with others you seek. You have a need to feel \'connected\' and that is a good sign showing you want to find a way to survive. Your words say \'self hate\' but your sharing is a need to be connected and that connection is to life.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
I know that this world is filled with anger and disillusionment for many but it is also where we have been placed for God\'s purpose. I know you have some thing going on internally....that your chemistry may be imbalanced...so much to consider but I hope you will purge these negative feelings into the ear of someone close...that you will stay in prayer and ask God\'s help daily....hour by hour...minute by minute...for however long it may take. See a pastor or minister or priest. God will hear you...He loves us and wants us to be in a relationship with Him.
You are not alone and this world will end soon enough. I pray for Jesus to return today. While we are waiting there are probably things we should do like prepare our families and friends with as much prayer and encouragement as we can....to bring them to Christ...because it is through Him that we are saved from hell. It is very true, my friend, and we must look at the goal and endure the path to that end. Life is precious and you are precious to your family. Please don\'t leave them in agony. I know all too well the pain that they would be in. It is a far worse pain than you are experiencing now....and you will have caused it. Please reconsider what you are threatening. If you can, get help immediately at a clinic...go admit yourself. It is not a disgrace to be sick.. It will be worth it if you can get some help for this disease. I call it a disease because it is....and it can be fatal....but, you have time now to do what must be done as far as discussing it with someone you love or with a caring professional. Please do this and don\'t procrastinate. I speak this truth with regard for your life and all that is precious....dale, brandon\'s mom
It breaks my heart to see you hate yourself so much. You have compassion and caring for those of us out here when we need your words of wisdom, now if you could just read and use this for yourself. I feel fortunate to have you on here as a friend...don\'t leave me or any of the others here that care about you.
You know, I just don\'t believe you any more.
Just LOOKING for a hit man will get you killed. You\'d have to go into the toughest neighborhood you can find. You\'d probably last about an hour.
Life is tough for us all, my friend. I\'m looking at the upcoming first year anniversary of the death of my only child, a daughter I loved my than life. I would have come between her and the slug SHE PUT INTO HER BRAIN with NO hesitation. And here you are, with a wife, with children who love and depend on you, ranting and raving on a constant basis about how you WANT TO DIE. If you REALLY wanted to die, you wouldn\'t be writing about it. How do I know this? Because I\'VE BEEN THERE. My daughter gave me NOT ONE CLUE THAT DAY or she never would have gotten out of the house. And I have had, on several occasions myself in the past year, made plans because of the horrible pain of losing her, AND I TOLD NO ONE. Nor would I. Were I to seriously plan my death, I would tell no one. Why don\'t you do what I suggested after your last post: PRINT these posts and SHOW THEM TO YOUR PSYCHIATRIST. You need a reevaluation of your medication. And don\'t think for one moment your death won\'t affect your children. For the rest of their lives they will be without a father. Anyway, do you have any idea how much MONEY it would cost to actually FIND a \"hitman\" who wasn\'t going to actually rip you off? Let\'s get real here, Mal. GO TO YOUR DOCTOR.
Please shift your thoughts... whenever that voice surfaces, say \"stop\" I want to live and God wants me to live. He will provide and I trust in Him. If you are already feeling like a living dead, why don\'t you offer yourself up to the Lord and let Him take care of you totally, completely... just let Him. Don\'t think any further, allow Him to take over.
Don\'t go any further down this road than you already have. It is a dark and empty path. Why don\'t you post in more detail about why you hate yourself so much in the group? Leave out the hitman stuff and learn of how you can begin to love yourself. I am sending hugs your way.
@Ellzeena - No matter how off-base, I vent my ideations here thru my journals. I\'ve not spoken a word to anyone - nor do I let them read my thoughts; wife, therapist, family, etc. Most of my time is spent on the perverbial fence...I\'m actually not sure what I want to do - live or die. I have more days where I want to end things. If or when I make take action, it will shock those around me to some degree or another. Folks that read my journals pose no threat and can not directly intervene; my most intimate dark thoughts are exposed to cyber readers, no one close - then again, I have no one close...perhaps that is part of my frustration. I give a glimpse of my thoughts to my therapist but being very careful to not disclose any \'plan attempts\' or ideations. Hell, the therapist doesn\'t even know about the gun retrieval. You\'re right, I spend a lot of time talking/writing; when action is needed - one way or the other...