Parting thoughts..
I don't know how long I have here (understandably none of us do) but I believe my days, if not moments, are numbered..I'm just trying to internally clarify the particulars & find some final peace in my own mind on the finality of this existence..
Perhaps because I've never seized complete ownership of this life, always out of sync with it. I've looked to others to navigate this course for me. I am now completely lost, stranded, alone, and broken. How does one even begin to build themself up? How do you erase or reprogram the negative stigma implanted in your self-conscious? I'd rather just lay here and decay; just don't have the motivation nor courage to face this life. I don't know what I want from this life because it's always been left to be defined by others. What is wrong with me? Why do I have this defect; as if I inherited an incomplete DNA? Life has it's own challenges without missing such vital mental flaws..
I acknowledge that I've been public enemy #1 to myself; the architect of my HELL. I've written my own script of problems, sabotaged relationships, degraded myself, punished & beat myself down - then I have to audacity to complain about all the obstacles as if someone else placed them there! I know my weaknesses better than anyone else; so who better to exploit them?! I've been my own bully & even encouraged others in helping to beat me down (perhaps I should've been a director). I never learned to love (let alone like) myself - a completely foreign concept. Hate has always over-ruled. I've been my own assassin; although so far I've missed the fatal mark, I've been on target with my rage against self...I long prayed for HIM to 'beam me up' but I guess God doesn't want me either. I don't blame him, I wouldn't want me either. I have advised other members to beware of isolation; it is depressions #1 abassador. Suround yourselves with family/friends/even beloved pets if you have them. If you have none of those - find something in life you enjoy; a hobby. Something that provides fullfillment/enjoyment. Bonding with people helps form a chain that is difficult for isolation to break. Depression zeroes in on the emotionally isolated like lions in the jungle targeting a lone, wounded prey... Unresolved anger, in my case, is another tool depression uses. Left unresolved, festered anger turns to bitterness which will eventually poisons you. Understand it's source (fear, envy, etc.) and address it immediately - DO NOT SUPPRESS IT - a mistake I've made all during my life! Passive aggression has been my method of release - please avoid; it has only compound my problems. I sincerely hope what I've written, will help someone avoid the deep pit I've fallen into. My misery does NOT want any company..I HATE ME SO MUCH!!
Perhaps because I've never seized complete ownership of this life, always out of sync with it. I've looked to others to navigate this course for me. I am now completely lost, stranded, alone, and broken. How does one even begin to build themself up? How do you erase or reprogram the negative stigma implanted in your self-conscious? I'd rather just lay here and decay; just don't have the motivation nor courage to face this life. I don't know what I want from this life because it's always been left to be defined by others. What is wrong with me? Why do I have this defect; as if I inherited an incomplete DNA? Life has it's own challenges without missing such vital mental flaws..
I acknowledge that I've been public enemy #1 to myself; the architect of my HELL. I've written my own script of problems, sabotaged relationships, degraded myself, punished & beat myself down - then I have to audacity to complain about all the obstacles as if someone else placed them there! I know my weaknesses better than anyone else; so who better to exploit them?! I've been my own bully & even encouraged others in helping to beat me down (perhaps I should've been a director). I never learned to love (let alone like) myself - a completely foreign concept. Hate has always over-ruled. I've been my own assassin; although so far I've missed the fatal mark, I've been on target with my rage against self...I long prayed for HIM to 'beam me up' but I guess God doesn't want me either. I don't blame him, I wouldn't want me either. I have advised other members to beware of isolation; it is depressions #1 abassador. Suround yourselves with family/friends/even beloved pets if you have them. If you have none of those - find something in life you enjoy; a hobby. Something that provides fullfillment/enjoyment. Bonding with people helps form a chain that is difficult for isolation to break. Depression zeroes in on the emotionally isolated like lions in the jungle targeting a lone, wounded prey... Unresolved anger, in my case, is another tool depression uses. Left unresolved, festered anger turns to bitterness which will eventually poisons you. Understand it's source (fear, envy, etc.) and address it immediately - DO NOT SUPPRESS IT - a mistake I've made all during my life! Passive aggression has been my method of release - please avoid; it has only compound my problems. I sincerely hope what I've written, will help someone avoid the deep pit I've fallen into. My misery does NOT want any company..I HATE ME SO MUCH!!
Replies
Please quit hating yourself. I know it is hard because I also hate myself. But we could work together to support each other and bring each other up out of the deep pit we are in step by step.
You are an unique individual and God has his reasons for keeping us here for now.
Huggs
I guess you ignored my message in reply to your own so here it is AGAIN:
Yes GOD DOES LOVE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU THINK HE\'S DOING WITH ME -- WHO DO YOU THINK IS SPEAKING TO YOU? GOD IS INTERVENING.
I gave my life to Him one year ago. In that year, He has complete control, no matter what that means. I am his eyes and ears, my lips and fingers speak His words, I make a conscious effort to be aware of the nudge to act. HE IS INTERVENING.
The enemy is strong and cunning and he\'s got you where he wants you: in despair. If you give in, if you take your life (you don\'t appear to be in a psychotic state to me) you will have to go face to Face and EXPLAIN why you WOULD NOT ALLOW God to come between you and that which would have your soul.
Here\'s a message for you, I prayed and opened the Bible and this is what He gave me FOR YOU: Isaiah 40:6
\"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord\'s hand
double for all her sins.
A voice of one calling:
In the desert \'prepare
the way for the Lord;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for your God.\'
Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.\"
In song from Handel\'s \"The Messiah\". Put on your headphones. Hear what He has to say to you. Click on the top video (Comfort Ye, my people):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlIThmTNg9w
Don\'t want to hear it? Don\'t want to watch it? DO IT ANYWAY. This is - as they say - not a test. Eternity depends on it, your eternity.
NO EXCUSE Mal, you have NO EXCUSE. I did not have one. That\'s why I\'m still sitting here. I had NO EXCUSE when His grace was pouring out on me after losing my only child. Could I go face to Face having denied Him the grace and mercy and love that He offered? I HAD NO EXCUSE. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE.
Life is hard. No one promises anyone else an easy time. There\'s a choice to be made: He is for YOU, YOU are either for HIM or against Him. I don\'t know what your mental tape is, I don\'t know what\'s tormenting you, but there is a remedy. He is our refuge and our strength. Time is short. A lifetime goes by in the blink of an eagle\'s eye. The world has horror and pain and suffering but it also has great beauty, there is great comfort in God\'s creation, He speaks to us through it and the more we listen the more we learn to hear. OPEN THE LINE OF COMMUNICATION. Rebuke the enemy. YES, YOU CAN.
jill
Hi Mal, I\'m struck by your clarity and caring for others. It sounds like you know a lot about your issues.
If you decide to give up, you\'ve left out an important link in your life - healing.
You describe yourself as a worthless and weak coward but that is just a part of you a part that I think likely that everyone shares in different ways.
You can rebuild. You can create a better life.
You are here pouring it out. That is perhaps the very best therapy we have available to us. We find release in setting it down. We are left with less pain to carry around within us. Over time we can even begin to see possible resolution - where even though death is always a \'choice\' -- then again so is LIFE. Tomorrow we will not be where we are at today - not exactly, for change IS life. Physically I live in the same home I did as when my husband died in 03 but I am far from being the same person and life is improving. Most of that improvement is my sharing and receiving support with my DS friends. It truly has been the very best therapy for me and has not only helped me keep what life I have but has helped me work at making it better over time.
Moment by moment taking each moment doing the best we can with it -- and with our shared support I see not only my life gradually improving but the lives of others as they cope with their circumstances improving also. The past, can\'t do anything to change it but we can and have LEARNED much from what we have experienced in the past. The future is whatever it will be and TODAY IS WHERE WE LIVE and it is what WE can DO SOMETHING ABOUT.
I have found simplifying life with a focus on healing works best for me and while doing this I begin to see a quality life emerge. It feels good just being in the moment without any false expectations and just taking life moment by moment making the best of it. Perhaps I am finally, at last, learning to \'go with the flow\' and finding a rhythm to life that feels good. Adderall helps a lot also -- I am very much an advocate of chemicals or whatever works and one size does not fit all so meditation, yoga, drugs whatever works is what we need to go with. I hope to get feeing better soon and be out puttering in the gardens. Something very therapeutic about pulling weeds and growing plants. I completely forget about all that is ugly and wrong with the world when I am out in my gardens.
Gentle, healing ((hugs)) shared.
:-) Patricia
God loves you very much. He will not abandon you. If you do not like yourself, give yourself to Him and He will take care of you. Let go, Let God to be the director of your life. You just need to cooperate and plug along. You will see how He can turn your life around. I pray.
You are one among many, friend....Please listen and watch the video....you may have to cut and paste into your browser....this message is for you.
http://youtu.be/1Hny-xp4k9c
just highlight the link and then right click and click on Open Link.....I am just learning how this all works...
You have a lot of acquired wisdom which comes through strong and clear in your writing. I barely know you and I already see good qualities in you. You are more than the sum of your problems and shortcomings.