mal66

My life exists solely for others - not for me; I feel an OBLIGATION to be here not a desire to be here.  If left up to me, I wouldn't be here...

This opening monologue is from one of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes (A Stop at Willoughby); I can directly relate:"This is Gart Williams, age thirty-eight, a man protected by a suit of armor all...

I don't know what 2012 will bring: finally sunny days ahead?  the beginning of peace & joy? or will it just be an extension of 2011?  If it is the latter, I will hang on as best I can but I can't...

2011 is finally gone...the worse year of my life - didn't think I'd make it!  The ones in 2011 represent my two middle fingers giving last year a final salute good bye!

Life's so lonely even my own shadow's abandoned me..I'm on a journey to rescue my soul from hell's eternity..  On a winding narrow dirt path I walk alone at twilight..a steep drop to my left...

As 2011 comes to a close, I've started reflecting on the events that have taken place that affected my progress/set-backs.  I can say with confidence that I've had far more bad days than good...

In my ideation of suicide and death, I've also wondered what's beyond this life.  I believe in reincarnation; I believe this world is a school and we are all here to learn and teach from others to...

So much to improve on.  My mood is fair; not good but not bad - just on the fence; not hanging my hat on anything.  I want to reside more in the external world and less in my own mind; I don't...

Being good to yourself, loving yourself before others can love you...what does this truely mean and how does one learn/apply this philosophy and why does this attract others?  It sounds rational and...

I was admitted to the hospital's psych ward last Tuesday after being 'voluntold' to admit myself by my Therapist; this after texting my spouse suicidal messages thru out the day. I had every...

Suicide shows GOD the ultimate statement of doubt, skepticism, distrust, lack of faith, etc. that HE can not/will not make a better way...

The voices & faces of those that surround me become more distant like they're fading away from my consciousness; my inner turmoil along with my unsettled soul is drowning out their support and...

I'm trying to get my gun back that I turned in couple months ago; I have some unfinished business...it was my security blanket, my one-way ticket outa here!It's amazing how close to the edge I am...

...who's the fouless of them all?When I look in the mirror, all I want to do is slash, cut, stab, wound what I see.  I hate myself that much!  There's nothing that I want to salvage when I'm...

Dear God,I don't understand what's so damn special about life and being here?  If life is supposed to be a gift, can I get a refund?  This is like being forced to go to a party then standing in...