Soul Survivor..
I had a melt-down during yesterday's therapy session. Still wounded from the emotional exchanges from last week; still processing it all..The cross-roads of my marriage are now no longer cross-road; it is now mapped out what course must be takened. I must now resolve the cross-roads of my life. Finding myself, my purpose, defining who I am, taking control& responsibility of my life and not being dependent on someone else for living; seems like an overwhelmingly daunting task from my perspective when I am full of so much self-hate & doubt. I always saw myself much clearer thru another's eyes; my vision of myself has always been blurred/distorted. I am now left solely on my own vision to find my way in a harsh, cold world; I don't trust myself - however, I am best qualified & more importantly, the only one that can be assigned for the task of self-definition...Overcoming my demons of such intense self-hate/doubt is the ONLY path in achieving some sort of happiness(whatever that is). It's not a cross-roads but a barrier. I'm in a battle against myself/my demons for my soul's very own survival..
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I pray you discover what it is that will make you happy...and in doing so will come to terms with the self-hate issue that is making you miserable. God be with you every moment of the day...He loves you even when YOU don\'t.....hugs, dale..brandon\'s mom
What would truly make me happy? What would give me peace? My answer to that would be God granting me freedom (w/o condemnation) of opting out of tolerating/surviving another day, another waking moment on this god forsaken planet..
Being at a cross roads in life is tough. Now that its set that you will go in a different path one way to look at it is you have the whole world in front of you. To me the thought of facing life totally independent of what it used to be is very overwhelming but i have to look at it that there must be something better ment for my life. Leave all the demons of self hate and doubt on the old path and start fresh with all the possibilties life has to offer. You have been threw so much getting to this point in your life... use it to be a surviver find your new purpose and who you really want to be not what someone else wants you to be. I get depressed sometimes when i think of when im reaching that point too but also deep down inside i find it exciting to FINALY after 25 yrs of being what others wanted me to be i can finally search my soul for who i really am and maybe find that special someone that will except me for me :) Just some thoughts of how im trying to look at this part of my life.
I greatly appreciate your advice but I\'m not sure that I share the optimism of embracing this opportunity. Leaving my demons is like asking me to leave my shadow behind; they follow me every step I take. They\'ve been with me my entire life. I fear their chants will now be even louder now that I am alone; my marriage was a failure & I will be reminded of that daily now - all due to my mistakes. My anxiety & panic is on the rise; so is my depression...this will get far worse before there\'s any chance, if any, of it getting better...
I understand that because i face it everyday too... those things i explain are just may ways of challenging my negative thoughts and feelings. I still feel the depression and anxiety of my past demons too just challenging it all helps to face each moment even though it doesnt take it all away... i wish it did take it away but it is a struggle i will face for the rest of my life.
I applaud you for having a positive outlook. I\'m so engulfed in my worries that I feel so defeated and hopeless; I just do not have the energy to challenge my established way of thinking. I hope therapy will enlighten me before my depression sends me spiraling down the drain..