Another celebrity death..
Another frustrating reflection on my own life...it's unknown, at the time of this entry, what the cause of death was - deliberate, assisted, or natural causes.If it was the later, I am outraged her 'number' was called (like she won a raffle) and not mine! It's bad enough my pleads to GOD are transparent but I'm disappointed on the lack of enthusiasm from the Grim Reaper to usher me away!
I'm in panic/desparation; I just don't have anything to grab onto in this existance that I want to hold on to. My self-hate has reached levels I didn't think existed; it supercedes any love for anyone else, including my son! I feel ready to give in at any & all costs. Each day is perceived as another obstacle not an opporutunity & life is perceived as a burden instead of a blessin'! I'm desparately ready to go - like trying to awaken from a nightmare; just trying to wrap my mind on how & be at complete peace with my decision..
People say if you want change in your life - stop complaining and seize control & take responsibility for it; I guess this applies to death as well...I HATE ME SO MUCH!
I'm in panic/desparation; I just don't have anything to grab onto in this existance that I want to hold on to. My self-hate has reached levels I didn't think existed; it supercedes any love for anyone else, including my son! I feel ready to give in at any & all costs. Each day is perceived as another obstacle not an opporutunity & life is perceived as a burden instead of a blessin'! I'm desparately ready to go - like trying to awaken from a nightmare; just trying to wrap my mind on how & be at complete peace with my decision..
People say if you want change in your life - stop complaining and seize control & take responsibility for it; I guess this applies to death as well...I HATE ME SO MUCH!
Replies
If you are talking about Whitney Houston (dead at age 48), I have a different view. I think it is a tragedy that she didn\'t hang in with her life until she was able to resolve her struggles. I think that likely her death was accidental but the result of a long history of self-destructive decisions.
It may have been that she was not keen on becoming \"older\" with all that entails.
I am saddened at her likely (very lonely) experience with emotional pain.
For you Mal, I hope you find weller role models and events. Healing can happen with time but only with life (living).
Wow, it sure seems as if you may have chemical imbalance. Have you tried the new meds? They take up to nine months to be fully effective but have saved and restored a lot of lives. For me, PTSD numbs up reality enough and allows me to often set the control of life on \'cruise\' and don\'t think about it beyond that. My illness slams me into bed with forced rest. I no longer accept or don\'t accept; feel or don\'t feel I simply go with the flow and the numbness kicks in when I am maxed out.
Keep sharing and allowing it to pour out. That is my therapy and it is working.
No, don\'t stop complaining. Holding the garbage we feel inside is toxic and needs to come out. Listen to your internal voice and those that speak of control and responsibility may do well to live by example and speak less. Your sharing is your therapy - combine this with trying some of the new meds --- you may achieve a better quality life - not overnight but in time.
I don\'t hate me as the harm I endure is external directed at me and I am learning how to adjust to life with severe disability while those around me have pronounced me as dead. That is what makes me think you may be helped by some of the newer medications. I take Adderall for my illness which is a lot like narcolepsy and this medication has been life saving. There may be a medication which may help you also. My husband and I were watching a documentary in the late 90\'s of a women with symptoms much like mine and she tried Adderall and it turned her life around. She had been sleeping 22 hours a day where she and her family went far and wide to doctors to find a diagnoses and treatment. After years a doctor tried her with Adderall and it was AMAZING the transformation in her life. I never was as bad off as she was and just seemed to have what was narcolepsy and this medication is all that allows me to have any activity. Perhaps there are meds that can at least help you with this chemical imbalance you seem to have.
Keep sharing it is good therapy. Set it down here and it will give you less to have to carry around inside.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
I\'m in quick-sand, drowning in my own self-loathing/pity; I just can\'t seem to get a grip lately..
Mal: Respirdal and a mood stabilizer (Lamactil). Talk to your Doctor. I guaranty within three to five days of starting these medications, you will NOT FEEL THIS WAY.