Hitman, part 2..
A follow-up to my hitman journal: I know someone that knows someone and the opportunity was there..I could have asked if he was interested; I would've had to give him the money up-front...it was some stick-up kid. He had just robbed a 60yr old woman at gun point. Although tempted, I (obviously) didn't follow-thru...I guess the possible finality of what I was about to do & perhaps the risk of him just robbing me set in. I just can't relinguish control of my life to someone; although I am tempted because I don't want to take ownership of it. I'm sure I can find him again on the streets; my friend pointed out a g/f that he pimps out...
I feel so damn weak, confused, lost, ashamed..! Is this an opportunity lost..or gained?
I feel so damn weak, confused, lost, ashamed..! Is this an opportunity lost..or gained?
Replies
It sure seems you may have a chemical imbalance. You ultimately opt for life and that is because you WANT TO LIVE but don\'t know how to get to where you need to be to live well. If it is a chemical imbalance then there may be hope with some of these newer medications. I take Adderall for my CFIDS and it does help me feel better overall and that also helps me mentally/emotionally. We are nothing more than a \'chemical\' factory any way so tweaking our chemicals with drugs that could help seems to be a possible option?
You opt for life and that is because you choose life over death - you WANT TO LIVE more than you wish you were dead. I think we choose not to \'cancel\' our \'ticket\' because the train we are traveling on is at least taking as someplace \'else\' and that someplace else may be GOOD and we may like it once we arrive and get settled in. Death sounds easy but is not - making life easier to live with. I feel better just knowing I have a way to end my life if and when it becomes necessary to do so. Having that \'out\' allows me to hold on to life by CHOICE and that feels good. I am here not because life is so terrific but simply because I choose to be here. Once we are dead there are no more choices. I think that reality keeps us alive - plus I get to feel better knowing I have a choice. Life is gradually improving as I accept and adapt to my reality and I think it has helped knowing I was here from choice.
Gentle ((hugs)) shared.
:-) Patricia
Hm... I had another thought about this which you might not have also. This \"kid\" although appearing to be a piece of sh*t is a human being who somewhere down the road will have a memory (memories) of all he has done and has to account for (live with). Maybe you don\'t want to be another bad memory or bad moment in someone elses life.
@1Patriciann, I haven\'t \'opted for life\'; it is the default setting for human survival. I\'d bet that if any suicidal candidate were thrown into the ocean, they would fight, struggle to stay afloat - myself included. However, when we are existing moment to moment, you have time to reflect on your purpose (or lack there of), ponder your future and it\'s possibilities (as you see them). When you constantly envision a dead-end, going on seems futile especially when you see more of the same if not worse. I, frankly, only want choices on how to die; not live...
Please don\'t despair and doing anything drastic. You have many here on this site that really care about you, myself included. You have provided me with lots of support.
Huggs.
I am glad your plan isn\'t working out. I am a message away if you are feeling tempted again.
It is not an opportunity. It is an temptation that you won over!