Cross Roads..
I'm in limbo, at the cross-roads & I'm not sure what to do, where to go, how to proceed..Strong suicidal ideations continue; self-hate endures & intensifies at times..Do I keep plowing forward with my struggles or surrender? I've never, ever felt so frustrated & irritated last nite..I've been teary-eyed at times, just not sure what to do; just here - my soul lost, stranded, & tormented..I'm not really motivated to do anything but nothing..without conviction, all action seems artificial..
There's so much of a disconnect with my spouse that I wonder if she's with someone else; not physically (atleast not yet) but emotionally. She regrets being with me, despises me, and says she's basically wasted the last 10 years with me..financially, our 11yr old son, and my mental instability is the thread that holds this 'marriage' together. She expects me to be at my strongest when I'm at my weakest..I told her that separating would leave me isolated - not good for my depression; but I'm feeling just as isolated in the home with her in one room, me in another..I don't know what's worse: holding on, or letting go. There are irreversible consequences to both, so I've chosen neither for now..I want to desparately make it work, she doesn't..seeing her live her life, sharing her life (on facebook) has been crushing & defeating me. I have no life, nor do I wish to claim one - I don't even know how to live, right now. In the meantime, life keeps going forward; no pause or rewind button to push. So frustrated that I want to give up, surrender..I'm just in such a miserable state; my soul is in torment & my spirit is broken - my physical body just hasn't deteriorated yet to those levels..lifeless & too courageless for death, I exist in this abyss called HELL!
There's so much of a disconnect with my spouse that I wonder if she's with someone else; not physically (atleast not yet) but emotionally. She regrets being with me, despises me, and says she's basically wasted the last 10 years with me..financially, our 11yr old son, and my mental instability is the thread that holds this 'marriage' together. She expects me to be at my strongest when I'm at my weakest..I told her that separating would leave me isolated - not good for my depression; but I'm feeling just as isolated in the home with her in one room, me in another..I don't know what's worse: holding on, or letting go. There are irreversible consequences to both, so I've chosen neither for now..I want to desparately make it work, she doesn't..seeing her live her life, sharing her life (on facebook) has been crushing & defeating me. I have no life, nor do I wish to claim one - I don't even know how to live, right now. In the meantime, life keeps going forward; no pause or rewind button to push. So frustrated that I want to give up, surrender..I'm just in such a miserable state; my soul is in torment & my spirit is broken - my physical body just hasn't deteriorated yet to those levels..lifeless & too courageless for death, I exist in this abyss called HELL!
Replies
All you can do is try. If your relationship is something you really want, then give it your all. Tell her what she means to you. Tell her what you want for your relationship. Tell her you\'re willing to do whatever it takes. Go to counseling together. Win her over again. Even if it doesn\'t work out - at the end of the day all we can do is try. And there is something so sadly satisfying knowing that you did everything you possibly could even when something fails. This is a scary time. Deep depressions make everything feel hopeless. But things aren\'t hopeless. You\'re still here. We still love you. There\'s still a big world out there full of opportunities you never knew existed. Go against the hopeless feelings and do something for yourself. Go for a walk. Exercise. Eat something healthy. Smile, even if it\'s forced. Hang in there, there are better days ahead.
Hon. I agree with rnight. You really need to do something for yourself. My therapist had suggested I go outside at least once everyday and even if I only walked for 5 minutes...It was a healthy thing do do for my mind. She is right...It makes me see things as I used to when I was happy and before I tried to commit suicide I know I will never be the same...but...i Pray everyday I dont go there again. Huggs We are all here for you and love you and will support you anyway we can.
Ags! I wrote out a response to you at work but my network administrator is blocking DS. I wanted to say that I notice you are giving good advice to others. Your challenge which I system is allowing yourself the same tolerance and kindliness that you provide others.
I\'m heartened to see you sharing more of your story.
I hope you will find a healthy way to be kind to yourself in a healthy way.
Lets try share not system (stoopids smaht phone-can\'t spell worth a dang).
You have tremendous value as a person. You matter. Your contribution of thoughts and encouragement to me has helped me tremendously on many occasions. Please don\'t snuff out such a talented (you are a gifted writer) and caring person\'s life. Just because your wife doesn\'t see your value does not mean it has ceased to exist. She shames and blames you and this situation is abusive. You are in a weakened state and she runs roughshod on your heart. That would be hard for anyone. I have had significant others who have done similar things to me. It does indeed sound like a hellish situation to have to be in. I am glad you have your son. Whenever those suicidal thoughts come think of what such an act would do to your precious son. He has to live in this environment already and to endure the trauma of losing his father to suicide would be devastating. You simply have to press on for his sake and think about which course of action is best for him. Again, thanks for all the wonderful things you have posted in the group and to me personally. You are a gem.
I have to agree with stevebhopes, you\'re the only one to respond to a posting of mine.