Ellocin

i od'd last night before bed...nothing major...i guess you could call it a controlled od...is there such a thing?  All it did was give me some weird dreams...a lot of them had to do with buildings...

positives today....sutures are out, amazing how much better that feels...i thought the itchy was just the cuts healing...noo....it was actually the sutures uhmm.....that's the only positive i can...

i think they're right about the meds....i don't know if it's possible to tell that soon...but i woke up fine and shortly after taking my dose the anxiety started...and it's so f*cken intense.  I...

so my evening has been pretty decent....but i'm confused... these stitches are driving me nearly up the wall...and i know i get them out tomorrow....but they are seriously driving me...

hmmm...yeah i was in a crap mood when i wrote earlier...wow...just reread it.  Crazy. Closing a file means that for the time being they are no longer willing to work with me.  It doesn't mean...

Ughhhh...yet another one of the files is being closed because I can't prepare to go back to work right now.  She was the one I was hoping not to have it closed with.  I don't know what to do.  I'm...

Dear God,I trusted that this med situation was going to be the right way to go.  I went through all the hell of withdraw from the other one, being off meds completely, and now giving this a try only...

the doctors think my constant high levels of anxiety are from the manerix so they are lowering the dose...i'm so fucking scared and frusttrated...i dont' want to do this battle anymore...i'm still...

i did end up being able to meet with my online therapist for awhile longer then i thought and it helped.  I shared one of my letters to God with her...and I think that helped her see why I struggle...

Depression group was cancelled tonight because they are "calling" for snow....good grief...around here you never know what's gonna happen weather-wise until it happens.  I was really looking forward...

Well...I got back from that appointment hours ago.  I'm not sure these "therapy" appointments are really doing it for me anymore.  All we did was talk and yes that's what I'm used to and that's...

Sorry for being away a few days without notice.  I ended up going into the hospital.  Friday ended up being too much and I went in my room briefly and was just so overtaken with anxiety and urges...

I was journalling in my notebook in the ER for something to do.  Figure I will transfer them all to here. Dec 4, 08: Entry 1 So the craziness begins...or technically continues.  I really didn't...

i am back home now again...i felt okay at the hospital after spending the night so i requested to leave...now i'm not so sure....i probably should've stayed... i ended up needing stitches...i don't...

i'm not really doing so well and contemplating a trip to the ER....the last place I really want to go...but I'm not sure at this point I have any other options....i'm cutting too much and too...