Well...I got back from that appointment hours ago.  I'm not sure these "therapy" appointments are really doing it for me anymore.  All we did was talk and yes that's what I'm used to and that's what I've preferred...but it didn't leave me feeling any better.  In fact...by the time the appointment was over I felt worse and like nothing was accomplished and didn't know what to do with myself.  I went to the washroom and cried for awhile.  And then talked to the receptionist for a bit and then went to the store....I needed to pick up hydrogen proxide because I heard that's the best thing for taking blood out of clothes so need to try that on my jeans.  Anyway...I browsed through the stuffed animals like I always do...I've had an urge to buy one for a couple months now.  Sometimes when I am feeling down and having lots of urges I buy myself a stuffed animal if I can find the "right" one at a decent price.  Well I found the one but realized it was priced wrong.  The sticker said for the one that was half the size and I couldn't bring myself to be dishonest so I brought the small one and big one up and told the cashier.  They confirmed their error and called the supervisor over and they offered me the big one at the little ones price.  I really needed that so much today.  I then got an extra discount off it with my store card...hehe.   I just finished watching a great movie, but it's an emotional one.  It's called The Ultimate Gift.  It's pretty good...tugs at the heart strings and all different emotions.  I needed my little puppy for that.  Anyway...I was trying to say earlier about the admission.  I'm not really in the mood now for typing it all out but it was a great group of patients (3 of them anyway) and we all really seemed to connect and be able to help each other.  I really feel blessed to have gotten to know them but would've preferred different circumstances.  Anyway...I am not really sure what to write right now.  Just that it was a good thing...and a God thing. I'm having a hard time right now though.  It's nearing bed time and I'm terrified.  I don't want to go to bed...I don't want to go in my room.  In fact I am thinking of trying to pull out the futon and sleeping out here.  I'm just too anxious.  But I don't want that to be a habit either.  I dunno.  I'm having urges and I'm afraid if I go in my room I will give in to the cutting or the burning.  But I'm also having urges to rip the stitches out (I think that's more because I'm so itchy though then the self-harm stuff) and I want to drink the freaken wine that's in the fridge.  At least it's not a whole bottle if I do slip up.  These urges wouldn't be a problem if the anxiety would go away.  If that would stop then I'm sure I'd be okay...but I don't know what to do.  I'm sick of distractions...and now everyone tells me that's all life is...distractions....that just frustrates me more.  I really don't know what to do with myself.  Just trying to hang out here in the living room and cuddle with the pup and figure things out...or at least get so tired I can't stay awake.