I was journalling in my notebook in the ER for something to do.  Figure I will transfer them all to here. Dec 4, 08: Entry 1 So the craziness begins...or technically continues.  I really didn't want to come ot the hospital today...althought there was talk of an admission, however decided to try it my way from home.  Yeah...that worked well.  I cut, cut, cut, cut over and over in the same two spots until there was enough blood to scare the crap outta me.  In otherwords...I couldn't keep it neat and tidy anymore and got it all overmyself.  Did my make shift bandaging...a facecloth and packing tape and headed for teh nearest bus stop.  No more messing around.  On the bus and to the ER where the fun continues.  Triage confirms I will probably need sutures so the wait begins.  Not sure if an admission will follow or not.  One step at a time.  In the waiting room I sit with the other crowds of patients and visitors waiting for their turns with the physician.  Next thing you know security comes along and requests all visitors to leave the waiting room and go to another area.  Apparently there's more gang shootings in the city and were there was a shooting at another local hospital just last week things are kind of a little crazy.  I guess precautions are precautions but its feeling a little movie-like or like a weird episode of ER or of of the like.  Long story short it's looking like it's going to be an interesting evening and a lot of waiting.  There's at least  5 ahead of me now and as far as I can tell we're at a stand still.  That's all I can write for now...but I'm sure there will be more. Dec. 4, 08: Entry 2 A couple hours later and still we wait.  The ER, and probably the entire hospital, is in lockdown.  Not much action back in waiting area "B" however it's been a good crew of patients.  Lots of chatting and laughter and curiousity about the events unfolding out in the main waiting area.  I'm told there are 6-10 officers (both uniformed and plain clothes) gathered out there.  I wonder if one of them is my sisters friend.  There was some other excitement that lasted momentarily between a drug addict and a security officer but it was short lived.  Sad...but entertaining nonetheless.  The addict was escorted out of the ER claiming to be assaulted by the "crazy man" which was the security guard.  They have in the last hour started calling patients back.  I think there is still at least one ahead of me but it's a relief to see things moving again despite the continued lockdown.  On the downside the talking and laughter has subsided as the more outgoing characters have left the waiting area and gone for treatment.  Now we just all anxiously wait for the next staff member to come waltzing out with a patient chart to see who might be called back next. Dec. 5, 08: Entry 1 Still in the ER but the procedure is done.  I, thankfully, had good staff this time and although in a weird mood was able to communicate fairly well...at least to the best of my ability at present.  Both cuts needed stitches...not sure the total count.  Somewhere around 7 or 8 I think.  I'll look tomorrow after I take the bandage off.  I'm admitted but there are no "real" beds available so I am in a "virtual" bed in the ER....basically a stretcher in the hallway.  It's bright, it's noisy, but it works.  Just waiting for my oxazepam meds and then I'll hopefully be able to sleep.  All in all I'm not feeling too bad at the moment considering.   Just working on tonihgt, then reassessment in the morning and I suspect I'll be okay to head home.  On a side note...there are still police all over the place.  I haven't figured out if my sisters friend is one of them...I haven't seen her but I have at least 6 others.  Wonder if there's any left patroling the city.  LOL.  Oh and something else that came to mind while I was being stitched up was...I feel like what a worn out teddy bear would feel like if it could feel itself being stitched up.  LOL.  The nurse laughted.  Still awaiting the meds...and I'm going to see if I can't get something from the vending machine.  I'm starving. Dec. 5, 08: Entry 2 It's awful here.  I asked a nurse if it would be okay for me to go to the vending machines and if I'd be able to get back in.  She said yes, just to get triage to let you back in since you're a patient.  Well the prick of a cop out there tried to say I couldn't go back in without being searched.  Dick-head.  Anyway thankfully that nurse came out right then and set him straight...although I think she got a lecture for it.  I didn't mean to cause any problems but that cop didn't need to be such a jerk.  He had previously seen me sitting on a stretcher inside here...I have a patient armband on...and I've been here in the ER longer than he has (before the lockdown).  He really upset me and I feel bad that nurse got an earful as well.  Now no one is allowed to the vending machines or even out for a smoke.  It's awful.  I did find out my sisters friend is on but that was by the prick cop before the incident with the whole getting back to my stretcher.  Anyway, whatever...it's done and over.  I got my meds and trying to relax enough to sleep but it's just crazy here.  And to top it off my nose is so plugged from crying and from this cold.  It's just grand.  I probably should've just gone home. Dec. 5, 08: Entry 3 Morning has arrived but thankfully I can report that I did actually get some sleep....thanks so much to the meds....once they kicked in.  I figured they would...even witht eh bright lights.  The lockdown seems to have stoppped or at the very least quieted down. There's no police right outside the door here anymore and the nurse said it seems more normal now...thankfully...although I am anxious kind of to see the news.  Morbid curiousity I guess.  I'm still a little sleepy and may lie down awhile yet.  There isn't anything else to do while I wait for the psychiatry team to reasses me.  I think I will go home.  I know I can get through this...I think I scared myself enough to not result in any major cutting episodes again.  It sound weird but I'm usually very neat when I cut.  I hate to make a mess or get any on me except for the immediate area.  I'm rather annoyed it's all over my jeans, hopefully I will figure out how to get it out.  I still seem to have this cold.  My nose hurts so much from these crummy kleenix and blowing it so much.  Ah well...what can I expect...these colds are EVERYWHERE!!! ~~~ Well..that concludes my handwritten entries.  I've talked to my psychiatrist and we're upping the clonazepam to .5mg three times a day.  I still have the option to go back to the hospital but I am back to leaning more to just trying to stick tonight out...excpet I want to cut sooooo bad and I'm scared I'd go deep again.  It won't look good on my part if I end up back there a second night in a row for stitches for the same thing.  I'm tired though so if i eat something and just take it easy and do the med thing it may be enough to get me to tomorrow and then I can reassess things then.  I did in the meantime clue in...that the last few months the worst of the crisis' have been during time of the month.  So I called reproductive mental health (I had a referral put in a couple years back that fell through) and talked to them for a bit and am going to get one of my doctors to put in a referal again.  They said I maybe be able to get in sometime in January or Feb...so that wouldn't be terrible.  It will help if they made note that I called and how upset I was on the phone...they knew I was in crisis mode...I told them I had just gotten out of the ER and was thinking of heading back.  I just don't know what other options to do.  Anyway...it's only 5pm and I'm exhausted but I can't take another nap now.  I need to get some supper and take my meds and chill...I think I will try to stick it out from home.