positives today....sutures are out, amazing how much better that feels...i thought the itchy was just the cuts healing...noo....it was actually the sutures uhmm.....that's the only positive i can think of that i'm really feeling positive about...and well...i'm just having an all round rough day.  i'm fighting so hard to not give into the thoughts and urges...and i just don't feel like i can keep fighting.  i've been using the hospital as an option too much...even they are saying that...so i'm not going back...not of my own free will anyway.  I give up on that option...it hasn't done me any good these times.   i'm really thirsty right now...but i know if i refill my glass i am going to end up giving into the urges...and as i already said i'm not going to the hospital....so it would mean bad things...and as much as i want that right now...i am trying to fight it.  I know it would hurt too many people if I actually managed to kill myself this time of year.  I want to so bad though...and honestly...I think it'll be a miracle if I survive until Monday.  I tried to call both my psychiatrist and mental health nurse today but neither one cares enough on a friday to call me back.  Great...just great.  And my family doctor that i saw...she was like well use the protocol...which means go through the ER and go into hospital...uhhh...yeah...right...like that's working.  So...hmmm...yeah....we'll see what happens. None of my usual "distractions" are working and I am fighting an additional urge of going out and getting drunk.  I was gonna go to the liquor store while I was out but I did talk myself out of it....although if I still feel this way tomorrow I will likely go.  I've got 4 of them in walking distance.  I'd probably go now but well...they're closed for the night.  Don't think they'd take too kindly to me trying to get in for a little alchie past the midnight hour.  Wish there were some bars that were open in walking distance....but alas I'm out of luck there.  Probably just as well....costs twice as much there.  It all would be going on the credit card as it is.   Anyway...I'm just blabbering on...and not about much of anything positive...but thn...I'm not ina  positive space.  I tried think of something positive to start with....it didn't last....can I end with something positive...hmmm... nope...sorry...can't think of anything