Sorry for being away a few days without notice.  I ended up going into the hospital.  Friday ended up being too much and I went in my room briefly and was just so overtaken with anxiety and urges that I picked up the lighter and started to burn....and saw the blades I had used the night before....I knew I needed to get out or I'd end up acting on the urges so I grabbed my purse and my jacket and left the apartment.  I wasn't sure where I was heading...although deep down I think I knew.  I wandered a few minutes and then jumped on a bus and got off at the hospital....no real intentions of going but no intentions of not either.  I'm still having issues with the prayer and beliefs at the moment and having faith...but when I got off and crossed the street onto hospital property I said a short kind of prayer....I said...if this is were I'm suppose to be then make it work out...or something to that effect.  Well, it worked out so smoothly and perfectly that it was almost freaky.  I went to triage and said I need to talk to psychiatry and basically broke down crying...(usually I show little emotion so this time it was actually a good thing)....they were super nice in triage (a rarity) and sent me down to waiting area "B"...a place I'm all too familiar with.  Actually they asked if I would mind sitting there or if I wanted a room elsewhere...I opted for the waiting area because I didn't think it would be so busy and didn't want to end up alone.  Well....get to waiting room and it's jam packed...*deep breath*...made my way to the one seat that seemed least claustrophobic (didn't have someone on both sides...there was a wall on one).  In this crowded waiting room I'm figuring oh great...the wait is gonna be insane...I never shoulda come.  Well within the first 30 min of sitting down they called me in...before any of the other patients.  Then the doctor I talked to was super nice and even gave me a pat on the shoulder (not in a creepy way, but a genuine kinda way) and said the psychiatry person would have to come see me.  Great...more waiting.  But it really didn't take long at all...and she ended up being super nice and great about things and when it came down to the question of whether I wanted to be admitted or not I asked if there were even beds...and she said yes!  Keep in mind...this is a Friday night, in December....and this unit only has 5 beds....you usually lucky if you can get the virtual bed (stretcher in ER hallway) at this point.  Okay...things really working out way too well at this point but not complaining.  Next...I'm told I have to wait to see the psych resident...but that I am officially being admitted...she just had to physically see me.  She ended up being the best resident I ever ended up seeing in all my experiences (and the only one who believes in naturopathy as a part of the whole process...most all push the meds)...just one thing after the other.....and it only took maybe 4 hours tops from the time I entered the ER until the time I was up on the unit...so crazy fast and so unusual I didn't know what to think. I have so much more to write....but I am suppose to be on my way to an appointment in 20 min...so I will have to write more later.