Elandlu2's Profile | DailyStrength

Status: 62 year old mom and grandmom. Trying to hold myself together

Mood: Ok

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About Me

Age: 69

Gender: Female

Activity

time passes--but not everything does

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 02/07/2020

1

It's been so long since I've been onsite. I don't know why--I just couldn't be here. I was hoping by now it wouldn't be AS hard. I wouldn't feel slammed by all that has passed as much as I have been. I'm healing--no question--but still ...... I don't know what I expected.I am now officially retired. My severance ended the end of the year and I pulled together all my financials and that will be OK. Have to cut back some, but I can do this. I'm trying to get out in the world. I started some...
been awhile...

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 04/28/2019

3

I got through Christmas. I felt like that was a big win. Yes, still down, still upset, but somehow I fooled myself into thinking I was feeling better.Then Spring came. Thought the change in weather would lift my spirits, make me feel like getting on with my life. Then I started enjoying the nice days. Watching the rebirth, seeing the wildflowers bloom. I finished clearing out the storage unit and going through the last of Leslie's belongings. I have a crate in the corner of my bedroom which...
hard times

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 12/24/2018

3

I've tried to ignore Christmas as much as possible this year. That's a ridiculous thing to attempt--it's slammed in your face and forced down your throat constantly. Seeing my grandgirls today. If not for that I don't think I'd go out or do anything today. I miss so much this year. This has without question been the worst year of my life. I just want it to be over. This year I ordered all the girls' presents online. The adults are getting gift cards. There's just no heart in it this year. I...
New Friend

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 11/26/2018

Elandlu2 became friends with lynette22.
1st Thanksgiving without you

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 11/25/2018

4

I was invited to Jason's inlaws this year, and I was very grateful for that. There were enough people that I didn't feel lonely, but not so many I felt overwhelmed, and I knew most of them to some extent. I got to play with Lena (2-1/2) after dinner for quite awhile, and was really tired when I got home. I didn't sleep, though. Found myself missing you, and crying off and on, and thinking about past Thanksgivings....like the time you set the oven on fire..... Not sure what to do with...
Holidays and changes

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 11/16/2018

3

I went to Joanns Fabrics the other day and nearly cried in the aisle. Leslie worked in A.C. Moore, and then with all the Christmas stuff thrown on top of that...ugh. I almost ran out of the store, but I needed a few things so I toughed it out. Was invited to the annual pre-T'giving family party my late husband's family holds in NJ this weekend. I decided not to go. Just didn't want to deal with all those people--there are only 2 I'd consider myself even somewhat close to. Not in the mood to be...
Hug

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 11/16/2018

Elandlu2 sent a hug to Livingjuicy

Thanks Joanie! The holidays are making me nervous this year for a lot of reasons. Just trying to take it a little at a time. Hope you're well! Sue
ashes

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 11/03/2018

3

Today I finally moved Leslie's ashes into the urn I bought. I found the urn on ETSY--handmade with a copper raku glaze. The colors are beautiful. The copper, blues, purples, reds. One of a kind, just like Leslie.I removed the bag of ashes from the temporary container and sat for about half an hour just looking at the ashes through the bag. About 15 years ago Les was in a car accident--her left forearm was shattered and she had a number of plates, pins and screws in that arm. Were they cremated...
Equine therapy day

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 10/27/2018

3

Fortunately Tuesday was a gorgeous day. There were 8 of us, along with the 3 counselors and the horse staff. This place does a lot of therapy work, so there are trained people on staff. We all met, introduced ourselves and told our stories, then while we made nametags and stenciled bandanas we were told the schedule for the day, and got a talk on horse behavior.After that we split in 2 groups. My group went outside to observe horse behavior in person while the other group "connected" with the...
here...now what

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 10/18/2018

3

So I'm moved in. Actually moved in (as in furniture, living here) 2 weeks ago. Trying to get the place in order. The major stuff is done, just trying to figure out what to do with the rest. Leslie's ashes are still in the coat closet. Want to get everything settled and find the right place for them. Last Friday was the end of my time at the old place. I was over there in the morning to get the last few things out and make sure everything was clean. Spent a lot of time reflecting on everything...
Hug

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 10/09/2018

Elandlu2 sent a hug to KandL

Hi Linda! Thanks for thinking of me. The move's pretty much done; I have internet again. See where life goes now. Wishing you good things Sue
Hug

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 10/09/2018

Elandlu2 sent a hug to Livingjuicy

Thanks for thinking of me! The move is done. Been a rough week, but I have internet again. See where life goes now... Hope your world is good! Sue
Journal Like

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 10/01/2018

Elandlu2 liked Elandlu2's journal moving.....
Hug

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/30/2018

Elandlu2 sent a hug to Livingjuicy

What a beautiful picture you brought to mind! I do miss my garden.... Busy with moving, trying not to go crazy Thanks for thinking of me!! Sue
moving....

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/30/2018

3

Last weekend before my move on Thursday. I'd been feeling surprisingly good the past week, but today the depression has snuck its way back in. Not sure why, but then I wasn't sure why I was feeling "almost happy" either.Did my usual weekend runs down to the new place with a bunch of the smaller stuff. Leslie's ashes are in the coat closet--that is always much on my mind. You'll have better accommodations soon, girl. I have a framed picture of Leslie and Sawyer on the kitchen counter. I talk to...
Yoda

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/21/2018

2

This morning I had to have my 19-year-old cat, Yoda, put down. I knew this day was coming; last night it became clear the time was here.I had owned Yoda for over 18 years. He was a pure white, short-haired cat. He became a real sweetheart once he got used to you--that usually took a few visits. Everyone loved Yoda. He was a sweet guy.Leslie was only 19 when I got Yoda. She had just moved out and in with a friend. Yoda was very shy at first, so we kept him in Leslie's bedroom until he became...
a little good news....

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/19/2018

2

Last week I mentioned that there was an equestrian/bereavement program run by the Hospice and I was on the wait listMama got a horse! They had to reschedule the program and someone had to drop out and there I am!Very excited about this. Best thing to happen in a long time!! There are 8 adults (plus 3 counselors, and the equine center staff), you get to pick your horse (or, they said, more often the horse picks you). There are activities with the horses, group activities, journaling, art...
Journal Comment

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/18/2018

Elandlu2 commented on KandL's journal Joshua is home!
moving phase I

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/18/2018

3

Got the keys to the new place today. It's both a little smaller and a little more $$ than here, but I simply cannot stay here. Too many painful memories. Didn't move a lot of stuff in today, but Leslie's ashes were a definite on this trip. Don't want to take any chance on them getting lost/whatever. I did buy an urn (which I also moved today) but am waiting until after I move and am somewhat settled to handle that. Leslie is in a box in my coat closet. Not a good thought. I did make one...
Joined New Group

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 05/30/2018

Elandlu2 joined the group Breakups & Divorce.
birthday card

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/16/2018

2

While packing today I came across a card Leslie sent me a few years back. Picture of a bunch of 40's era bathing beauties peeking out from behind a huge beach umbrella.Inside:"Dear Mama-- Neither of us is exactly the Hallmark card type, so this made sense to me. I can't deny that I screw up a lot. Neither of us has had a particularly easy go of things. However, you should be proud of the fact that you've raised me to be a person who loves and accepts people who are different, and who...
the day after

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/16/2018

2

I ended up getting really upset last night (or early this morning). It was as though Leslie was a sore subject to be avoided. If I brought her up the subject was gently redirected. I realized both Jason and my sister were doing that yesterday. And there were times I just wanted to cry, so I wandered off by myself, and I kind of felt like no one else seemed to care.I get that no one wanted me to full-fledged break down yesterday, but isn't a mom entitled to a remembrance, a couple of tears? A...
today

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/16/2018

1

Today wasn't a terrible day. It was kind of strange. Leslie's 37th birthday.I dropped Sawyer at his sitter's. Her husband met me and told me Terry had an emergency dentist appt., but would be back later. Then he gave me a big hug (he's a sweet guy) and told me to enjoy myself with the kids today. I'm guessing Terry mentioned my plans and the reason to him. On the way home I stopped at the farmer's market for a few things. They had these mason jars of cut flowers, I bought one of those for...
Happy birthday, Leslie Ann

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/15/2018

1

Today is your first birthday in heaven. I hope you are peaceful and out of pain. I love you so much. I miss you so much. As I do every year on your and Jason's birthday I find myself remembering the day you were born. It was a lot like the weather has been here lately. Warm and humid with a thunderstorm now and then. Leslie weather. When I was pregnant with you almost everyone said I was having a boy. The way I was carrying, how big I was. Even my dr. said you heartbeat was more like a...
Journal Comment

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/14/2018

Elandlu2 commented on KandL's journal Out of ICU!
it's all ganging up on me

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/14/2018

2

Tomorrow is Leslie's 37th birthday. The first one without her. I'm trying not to make too much of it. As my son said, we never made a big deal out of birthdays. We're taking my grandgirls to a petting zoo, then dinner and ice cream. More than we probably would have done if she were still with us. Nothing is going well right now. I'm not sleeping. I'm seeing the dr. Monday and see if they can do anything to help. I've tried all the OTC stuff, guided meditation, exercise--nothing's doing it. ...
I'm hating today

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/13/2018

2

I don't know if it's Leslie's birthday approaching, or what, but I've been super depressed today. Decided after work to take Sawyer for a long walk, then I made myself a drink and decided to try and do some packing. Was cutting up some cardboard with a box cutter and had a thought flit through my mind---box cutter--booze---Benadryl....... No. The thought flitted out as fast as it came, but it scared me a bit. Decided it was not a good time to pack. When I was younger and I was going through...
Journal Comment

Posted by: Elandlu2

Posted: 09/13/2018

Elandlu2 commented on KandL's journal Hello dear SOTHS

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