Holidays and changes
I went to Joanns Fabrics the other day and nearly cried in the aisle. Leslie worked in A.C. Moore, and then with all the Christmas stuff thrown on top of that...ugh. I almost ran out of the store, but I needed a few things so I toughed it out.
Was invited to the annual pre-T'giving family party my late husband's family holds in NJ this weekend. I decided not to go. Just didn't want to deal with all those people--there are only 2 I'd consider myself even somewhat close to. Not in the mood to be asked how I am and everything else. So much has happened this year on so many fronts.
Christmas Eve will be at my son and DIL's and the grandgirls. Leslie didn't make it to that last year--she had to work. Hopefully I get through that ok. Christmas day--right now I don't want to know about it. But it's kind of hard to pretend Christmas doesn't exist. Maybe I should see if I can find some sort of volunteer work or something. I do want to go through Les' things--save some of her clothing to make a quilt, see what's in all those notebooks I recovered. New Year's Eve I just want to go to bed early and ignore that as much as possible.
So, now something new. Found out Tuesday that I am being laid off eff. 12/14. I'm actually OK with that. I've been hating my job more and more each year, and had been considering taking an early retirement next year anyway. I'm getting a severance package, with medical benefits. After my next birthday I can start taking out of my 401k. I should be all right. Probably find something to do part-time, but for the first few months I just want to try and get my head together and think about what I really want to do.
Started with a new therapist this week. I really like this woman--I think she'll be helpful with all this going forward. Still need to contact hospice here. Maybe once I stop working I can start going to the support groups during the day.
Just so much to think about. I kept saying this year was so very different from last year. Next year should be very different from this year. Hopefully better. Doors closing, doors opening......
Replies
Hi Sue, there is no right or wrong to get through the holidays. Do whatever feels right. May being around your son and his family bring you comfort.
I'm glad you are feeling ok about being laid off. Maybe a change will be good especially since you have been hating being at that job.
I found my grief counselor to be a huge help. She was skilled in grief work.
Gentle hugs and love to you and dearest Leslie, Linda
I hear you sweet Sue. I've sat in the isle of the grocery store crying my eyes out....on the floor of a store at the mall, balling....I get it....we all do.
I'm proud of you for knowing what you need and for being courageous enough to decline an invitation you just aren't up to accepting. And true, it's hard to pretend the holidays aren't happening all around us, but we don't have to do more than we're capable of during them. Volunteering sounds like a wonderful idea! I've found great healing for myself each time I've reached out to help others.
It sounds like this lay off is coming at a good time for you, especially since you will be receiving a good severance package and had planned to retire soon anyway. I think it's wise to take some time just for yourself, to sort through your plans for what you want the next chapter of your life to look like.
I'm also so happy to hear you like your new therapist! Having someone we trust to share our deepest thoughts, hurts, fears, and emotions is such a blessing.
I wish you the very best~
You are moving along in the ways that are best and needed for YOU and it takes courage to slow things down to truly listen and BE with what comes in. Glad to know that you found a new therapist, as a heart with ears and that she feels like a fit.
I remember thinking that holidays would be changing anyway no matter if my child were earth side or not and that what "was" would not alway BE, yet when a loss comes as ours has, it's feels so abrupt and that we didn't get to be a part of the change. The change simply happened and now we are trying to learn how to live into it.
Yes, doors are closing and doors are opening. May you continue to feel supported and cared for here as YOU are in ways that are not always easy to find in the "outside" world.
Gentle and loving care dear Sue,
XO Joanie