time passes--but not everything does

It's been so long since I've been onsite. I don't know why--I just couldn't be here. I was hoping by now it wouldn't be AS hard. I wouldn't feel slammed by all that has passed as much as I have been. I'm healing--no question--but still ...... I don't know what I expected.

I am now officially retired. My severance ended the end of the year and I pulled together all my financials and that will be OK. Have to cut back some, but I can do this. I'm trying to get out in the world. I started some classes at the community college--yoga, a history class, signed up for a series of Spring nature walks. I need to get my physical health back--debating whether I should join the Y, start Weight Watchers

Got through the first anniversary of Les' death with the help of Kenny, her bio dad. He insisted on coming out here to be with me for a few days around then. I shared stories and pics. Gave him a few things--a gargoyle figure she made in a high school art class--a ring she wore a lot (he put it on his key chain). He got a tattoo with Leslie's name and birth and death dates. 

But it became kind of obvious that he was hoping he and I would get back together. He had plans for us which I just couldn't see happening. Yeah, I'm lonely, and yeah, I care, but not that way. Not enough to leave my family here. And he's got a business, family and a house out there. It wouldn't have happened. Once he realized that he stopped talking to me as much. I call him every few weeks--he calls me even more rarely. I was hoping we could stay close, but we wanted "close" in different ways. 

I had to stop seeing my therapist the end of the year. My insurance changed and she doesn't accept the insurance I ended up having to get. I miss having that weekly contact. Don't want to start over with another therapist--too much to go over

Leslie....your dog is doing OK. He misses you, too, I'm sure of it. He's gotten fat and lazy--a lot of that is my fault--I've gotten fat and lazy as well. He's a comfort (although some times a pain in the ass, as you know). 

Your nieces are doing great--you'd get such a kick out of them. Remember that rolling wooden dog toy you bought Lena? They both still love that thing--I got a video of them the other day pulling it around.

Their birthdays will be here soon--4 and 2. I wish they'd known you long enough to remember you. 

Spring's coming. It's been a warm, rainy winter. You might actually have liked it--not too cold and no snow. I know you wanted to move back to Florida, but I'm glad you didn't. At least I was able to be with you at the end. I had my chance to say good bye. That meant the world to me. 

I miss you so. Be happy.

Went to the county fair with my son and his family and my sister on Leslie's birthday. She would have enjoyed that.