been awhile...

I got through Christmas. I felt like that was a big win. Yes, still down, still upset, but somehow I fooled myself into thinking I was feeling better.

Then Spring came. Thought the change in weather would lift my spirits, make me feel like getting on with my life. 

Then I started enjoying the nice days. Watching the rebirth, seeing the wildflowers bloom. I finished clearing out the storage unit and going through the last of Leslie's belongings. I have a crate in the corner of my bedroom which hold memories of my life before. I want that life back

I stay indoors far more than I should. Going out is hard. There are so many things that bring it all flooding back. Watching parents play with their kids on the playground. Remembering the wildflowers Leslie used to pick for me when she walked Sawyer--she'd tuck them under his collar to bring home to me. The pics we'd send each other, the sights we'd share. There is a mama duck sitting on a nest outside by the park. Leslie, remember the time we saw a baby goose hatch? I check on mama duck--I wish I could share that with you. I wish I could share Sawyer's craziness over the groundhogs outside--you'd find him so funny! He tries to dig under the fence to get to them. He goes nuts over them! The baby possum you had on your deck last Spring--you called him Winston and texted me pics of him. Helping me pick out plants. Buying 1/2 price Easter candy after the holiday. 

Your nieces are doing great. Their joint birthday party was a few weeks ago. Lena's 3 now. She's a handful--so smart. Chatters away a mile a minute. Lucy was 1 on Monday. The last time you saw her in person she was just a few weeks old. She's making sounds that sound like they could be words. She should be walking soon--she's getting there. 

They still love the dog pull toy you bought Lena the Christmas before last. It was out and Lucy was playing with it.

The kittens are about a year old now. You never really got to see them--you became so ill so soon after I adopted them. You would have loved them! They're sweet, crazy, goofy.....

Life keeps going on. I feel like it's passing me by--I still want the life I had before I lost you. I love you and miss you so very much

After Grammy died I started picking up pennies when I found them. Supposed to be a kind of "pennies from Heaven"--that when you find a penny someone in heaven is thinking of you. I've found me doing that when I find other coins. I pick them up, squeeze them between my fingers and think of you. Say "Hey girl". Tell you I love and miss you. Black squirrels are a sign of you, too. And bats--I was watching them flying around the other evening. 

There are a lot of flamingo-themed things in the stores. Thinking of all the flamingo things in your apt. Things I would be buying you if you were still here. 

I've been in touch with your bio dad. I know that's a sore spot with you; but I'm so sorry you never let him back into your life. I've realized more and more how much of him is in you--both the bad (drinking) and the good. He turned his life around, Les. Stopped the drugs long ago. Owns a house--nearly paid off. Has owned a business for 18 years now. Successful. He does a lot of restoration work on classic cars. I could so see you working with him. You would have loved that. Maybe if you'd connected with him and hasn't been so stubborn....maybe. 

He and I were talking yesterday about him possibly coming out here in August--around the time you left this world. I want to share you life with you. Photos of all the years he missed with you. I think this may happen. 

I find I'm dreading May. Mother's Day, my birthday--my first without you. The anniversary of the day Cliff and I split up--how many times I've wished I had you to talk to. You were my emotional support person in so many ways. You always understood. You would understand how much that that still hurts.

There aren't a lot of people I can talk to about you. Jason--you know he's not good at that stuff. Aunt Jane is worse--I mention you she looks horrified and changes the subject and starts blathering on about her cat or something. I've shared a lot of you with my therapist, and with Aunt Maggie. 

I miss you so horribly. I know you're well, and in the world, and out of pain. I try and take comfort in that.

I love you, Girl