today

Today wasn't a terrible day. It was kind of strange. Leslie's 37th birthday.

I dropped Sawyer at his sitter's. Her husband met me and told me Terry had an emergency dentist appt., but would be back later. Then he gave me a big hug (he's a sweet guy) and told me to enjoy myself with the kids today. I'm guessing Terry mentioned my plans and the reason to him. On the way home I stopped at the farmer's market for a few things. They had these mason jars of cut flowers, I bought one of those for Leslie, and also bought a big slice of carrot cake (Les' favorite). I keep forgetting to cancel her cell phone (she's on my plan) so I texted her a birthday message. 

The plan was to take my granddaughters to the petting zoo, get an early dinner, maybe ice cream after.  So we met there. It was nice. Saw all the animals, there were things for kids to climb on, we went for a "hayride". It was a nice day. The girls were both in good moods. Lucy (the 5 mth old) was very smiley today, Lena didn't have any of her "terrible twos" episodes. Lena seemed particularly attached to me at dinner. She wanted me to help her color her placemat, "shared" her mandarin oranges with me (but not with her mom), wanted Grammy to take her to wash her hands (twice). 

I did find myself crying at random times. Never for long. I'd excuse myself to the restroom, or just separate myself so I wouldn't upset Lena. 

After dinner no one really felt like ice cream and the girls were getting tired so we all went home. After I got home all I wanted to do was have a cold drink and lie down for a while. Ended up falling asleep for a bit. Kenny called and woke me up--I had spoken to him in the morning briefly--he was busy at the shop and said he'd call me later. We talked for about half an hour. He kept asking me if I was OK, and how was I managing. Then he started talking about how much he'd missed me and Leslie over the years, and how stupid he'd been and how much he'd missed. He talked about things he remembered from when Leslie was a baby/toddler. I was actually kind of surprised at some of the things he remembered. We actually both got a little weepy. Then he told me that he'd like me to come out to Kansas (at his expense) for a weekend sometime "just to see me again." I haven't seen him in almost 30 years. I don't know if that's ever going to happen. Certainly not now. He told me that I could call him "anytime, for anything...really". Another short session of crying after I got off the phone. Things could have been so different.

Then I got my carrot cake, put it on the table with the flowers. I didn't have any birthday candles, so I just lit a regular candle, sang Happy Birthday Leslie and blew out the candle. Another short cry. Just didn't want to be home. It was after 10 so I ended up taking a run over to Walmart. Didn't really need anything--just wanted to be out and see other people. Just walked around the store for a while and bought some basic stuff like toilet paper and cat food and some more packing boxes. Just lying in bed now. Today just felt strange. I can't really explain it. It feels incomplete. 

Outside of talking to her dad Leslie didn't get mentioned much today. I don't know if people were trying not to upset me or what. She was very much on my mind all day, though. 

I miss you.