the day after
I ended up getting really upset last night (or early this morning). It was as though Leslie was a sore subject to be avoided. If I brought her up the subject was gently redirected. I realized both Jason and my sister were doing that yesterday. And there were times I just wanted to cry, so I wandered off by myself, and I kind of felt like no one else seemed to care.
I get that no one wanted me to full-fledged break down yesterday, but isn't a mom entitled to a remembrance, a couple of tears?
A few of my friends were fully aware of yesterday's meaning, but I didn't hear from any of them. I emailed Gail because her mom's been sick, and I mentioned (again) my plans with the kids, and her response was all "enjoy your day with your beautiful grandkids". I would have given much for someone to tell me they understood how hard the day was going to be and that they were thinking of me. And of Leslie.
The only person I felt didn't push away or distract when I talked about Leslie yesterday was her dad. I was surprised at the things he remembered from the time we were a family--we split up when Leslie was 3. And he was using at the time. But he remembered Leslie's early stomach issues. How she'd wake up early and play happily in her crib for a long time before letting us know she wanted to get up. How she had a blanket that we referred to as her "magic blanket" -- it was like her security blanket. I wonder if it's still around somewhere. I know she still had it a few years back--if it was in the apartment it probably got tossed.
Maybe I should call Brian today. Of all my friends, he'll get it.
I almost wish I could still get into Leslie's apartment. Be in the last place on earth she was. Go sit on her deck this evening and watch for bats. I wish I could call her up and tell her about how flaky her aunt was yesterday. Sent her pics of the animals yesterday. I want to hold my daughter. So very much.
Leslie is only dead if we push her into the background and let her fade away. I can't let that happen.
Replies
It's so very painful to experience and I know there is not a single mom here who hasn't. I think we become the teachers for others and as they see us mentioning and speaking of our children they become more "comfortable" to be able to as well. I remember my sister who has a daughter and two sons never mentioning her sons to me for a very long time. One day I told her that I would love to hear how they were doing as well and that she didn't need to avoid speaking of them on my account. Honestly, I don't believe she even consciously realized it and was grateful for the "permission" to speak openly about all of her children.
Leslie will always be carried in your heart, you are her memory keeper and she will never be forgotten. That is why FMO has become such a safe haven for me because it's the one place where my son's name is spoken, he is remembered and it's because we "get it" even though we wish that we did not, we do.
I always feel such a deep exhale on the "days after" and hope that you will to. They are hard to navigate because we just never know where we'll be and each year for me has felt different that's for sure.
Understanding as only another mother can and also knowing that your pain and sorrow is unique for you just as your healing is. Lots of wiggle room and grace is what I always ask for and may you feel that too.
Heartfelt (((hugs))) of care for Leslie's mom from Douglas and me,
XO Joanie
Sue, it always surprised me when I mentioned Ed that folks would redirect the conversation. Maybe they are uncomfortable or don't want to see us cry. I've had people say, "I'm sorry I made you sad." I tell them, "You didn't make me sad. I'm sad because my child
died."
Leslie will not be forgotten. You will see to that. And Joanie said, you will be her memory keeper.
Gentle hugs of understanding. Love to you and dearest Leslie, Linda ♡