hard times

I've tried to ignore Christmas as much as possible this year. That's a ridiculous thing to attempt--it's slammed in your face and forced down your throat constantly. 

Seeing my grandgirls today. If not for that I don't think I'd go out or do anything today. 

I miss so much this year. This has without question been the worst year of my life. I just want it to be over. 

This year I ordered all the girls' presents online. The adults are getting gift cards. There's just no heart in it this year. I should at least do some baking so I have something to bring. I have all the stuff--just not the ambition. Right now I just want to crawl into bed. I haven't been sleeping. I cry at the drop of a hat. 

I was going to go through your things tomorrow, but not ready for that. My plans for tomorrow are to sleep as much as I can, do some cooking, binge watch tv or read. And that all sounds really ambitious. 

No decorations this year outside of a string of white lights on the balcony. Remember how we always strung white lights on the deck when we lived in NJ? And left them up until Spring? Remember the Christmas dinosaurs on the front lawn? The tree you always insisted on hanging wrestling action figures and plastic dinosaurs. The box of "interesting" socks Aunt Jane pulled together for you every year for Christmas? Performing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" with Jason--that was an annual since you were little kids. 

One day maybe I'll feel some joy. Not now. Not this year.

Miss you so much