here...now what
So I'm moved in. Actually moved in (as in furniture, living here) 2 weeks ago. Trying to get the place in order. The major stuff is done, just trying to figure out what to do with the rest.
Leslie's ashes are still in the coat closet. Want to get everything settled and find the right place for them.
Last Friday was the end of my time at the old place. I was over there in the morning to get the last few things out and make sure everything was clean. Spent a lot of time reflecting on everything that had happened in that place. The good and the bad. This was the place I was supposed to be starting the best time of my life. Man plans and God laughs, as my mother-in-law used to say.
I cried halfway home.
I've been pretty depressed. Not that I don't like it here, and not that it's a relief not to run into "triggers" every day. Just reflecting on my life. And where does it go from here?
Need to contact the Hospice here. Maria, my counselor from Hospice in my old county gave me their info and I gave them permission to contact her to discuss my "situation". Not ready to do that yet. Not ready to do much of anything.
Been spending a lot of time playing games online. Not something I do a lot, but it occupies my mind just enough.
Tuesday I have the equine therapy. One of the very few things I am really looking forward to. Then Thursday Sawyer and I start his training. Right now I just feel like I'm sitting here waiting for life to start again.
I've been checking online, and Leslie's old apartment is listed for rent. I remember when I went to see it with her. That's how it looks in the photos. Photos of the place. The front porch where I picked her up so many times. The deck she loved to sit on and where she spent her favorite moments of her last weeks. The room she died in. All so empty. Nothing left of her there.
Need to get to work. Haven't been at all motivated lately. Actually the past week I've had no motivation to do anything, even with the new place. I still have stuff in boxes--I'll start going through it and then just toss it in a closet for another day.
I want my daughter. I want her to laugh at Sawyer's antics with the groundhogs, admire the morning glories someone planted near the dumpster, take Sawyer for long walks in the park. Sit on the balcony smoking and watching for bats. I want her to finish up the beef stew I made the other day. Watch the kittens get into trouble.
I miss you girl. How do I do life without you?
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It just hit me. This is the first place I've ever lived that Leslie will never be in. Ever. She was in the house I grew up in all the time, all the apartments and houses I've lived in since. She will never be in this apartment. Ever. Wow.
Replies
I'm not sure any of us know how to do life without our precious children, yet somehow we do, by just taking all the baby steps and some bigger than baby steps which you have with your move. It does feel so very strange to move somewhere we our children haven't been. I know that I have felt the way that you describe with our move too. I most especially felt it when our dog, Jordan, died and she was the last dog that our son had loved, touched and in fact my profile picture is of Douglas with Jordan.
Hoping you can connect with hospice and that the equine therapy brings you some peace. I cannot think of any animal besides dogs that I adore more than horses. My daughter, Sarah, had a horse, that I think I loved as much as she did and that is saying a lot. He brought us much JOY and was such a goof too. They are all about creating trust and learning how to trust this world again after such a horrific loss is such a big one. The most subtle shift with our body weight, our hands, our legs, they feel it all and they seem to know just what we are needing even before we do. I am so curious to hear how it feels for you, Sue, so please share when you are able.
Gentle care as you continue to settle into your new place and remembering that it is okay to not be okay.
It just is not right that Leslie is not earth side to be participating in these moments that you so long for her to be able to. I'm with you on that. She should be finishing up that stew that you made, watching Sawyer with his antics and SO much more.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Oh Sue, there are no easy answers or even a formula on how to live our lives after our child passes. For me, it was grieve, read, work, counseling, repeat. Then slowly as I did the grief work I began to feel grateful for a few things and began to enjoy a moment here and there. Life is better now, but I will always wish things were different. I thought I would have the comfort of my son in my old age, but it was not to be. I grieve for him, I grieve for me and for all of us. But as I grieve I also enjoy life now. You will get there too. Gentle hugs and love to you and dearest Leslie, Linda ♡
I too am living in a home my Kala never lived in, never saw the finished product. We'd bought our land and had built the barn, but the house hadn't been built. She did walk the grounds, so when I walk I do have that gift of knowing we've walked on some of the same grass. Funny how important a blade of grass can become. We are planning our next move however, and it will be a property Kala has never walked, never talked with us about, will never know. I think....no, I know that's OK, because I am SOOOO convinced she IS and she participates and is aware of our lives. No, not as I wish, but as she IS and I celebrate and honor and appreciate that truth.
I am hoping, and believing, your equine therapy will be such positive experience and bright spot in your days. It's always good to have something fun to look forward to! I'm also hoping and believing your new counselor will be the perfect match and you will receive what you need from that relationship.
Tight heart hugs as you continue your journey toward healing one step and one breath at a time.
Teri