I'm hating today
I don't know if it's Leslie's birthday approaching, or what, but I've been super depressed today. Decided after work to take Sawyer for a long walk, then I made myself a drink and decided to try and do some packing. Was cutting up some cardboard with a box cutter and had a thought flit through my mind---box cutter--booze---Benadryl....... No. The thought flitted out as fast as it came, but it scared me a bit. Decided it was not a good time to pack.
When I was younger and I was going through a rough time I'd find myself wishing it was a year from now and trying to envision that. Whatever was going on would probably have resolved itself one way or another. Now I find myself wishing more that it was a year in the past. I was so much happier then. Life was so much better then.
Where am I going to be a year from now? Will I feel better? Will life feel worthwhile again? Will the pain subside? Will I ever be happy again? Sometimes the thought of that seems like asking for the moon, with the sun and a bunch of stars thrown in. I can't imagine feeling any way other than the way I do now. It will get better--everything else bad in my life got better eventually, but this is 1000 times worse than anything I've dealt with before. What if it takes a 1000 times longer to ease. Sometimes I don't want to live like this one more day, much less years.
I hope I sleep tonight. I wish I could set that as a goal and make it happen.
Replies
Hi Sue, I never thought I would experience anything even remotely resembling happiness again. Eddie is my only child, as an adult my best friend. He was my purpose and identity for 37 years. How does life go on?
I can only share my experience. Over time I found purpose in telling Ed's story & being the keeper of his memories. The pain lightened and changed too. Eventually I realized that I could feel happiness while still missing my child. But at first, I truly couldn't think or plan more than a few hours into the future.
I'm glad you are staying safe. I was not going to hurt myself but I had thoughts creep in. This journey is unspeakable.
Take care of yourself as best you can. I'm proud of you for writing. Journaling helped me a lot.
Love to you and dearest Leslie, Linda
Hoping you were able to sleep last night and understand you are on the eve of another "first," Leslie's birthday. You are living into your grief and sorrow and just as Linda expressed so fully, the acute and overwhelming sadness you are feeling now never goes away, yet it changes into something that each of us learns how to carry. Each of us here is a living example of that and that is what I was trying to wrap my head around when I first landed here. There was a group of mom's a few steps further along who were living their lives and feeling their losses and how were they doing that? They told me to just keep showing up to my life as it is today and to keep placing one foot in front of the other. I wanted "more" from them, I needed the "steps," I simply could not imagine always feeling the way that I did. I don't feel the way that I did in those first days, months and years, and it is different, I am different, I am forever changed and somehow I'm doing it and you will and are too.
The most gentle of care as you wrestle with this new reality and understand that you are not alone. Nothing feels okay because it isn't okay, yet you are and will be okay. Does that make sense?
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie