So_Many_Ants_Outside

About Me

I love talking with people, and I don't enjoy putting people down. I mention below a lot of things going on with my me, but that doesn't mean at all that I'm just going to talk about problems with you. Unless you love hearing about problems, anyway. I just listed them below so you'll be able to understand why I'm bedridden, how it is that I talk how I do, and just what is going on with me. I'm aware I sound strange for a young guy. If you want a person you can talk to about anything, choose me. I like lots of things. I have a LOT of life experience despite only being 28. Most people in their 60s-70s will ask me about things and if I tell them exactly what something is like, they are always just amazed that I know that. I tell you, it's not just age that makes you older inside or matures you, it's experiences, such as bad ones, good ones, studying things deeply even when school is completely gone, challenging yourself mentally, dealing with pain and illnesses, and much more. So an 80 year old that didn't do much during their life isn't going to be as mature as you are if you went through a LOT in a short lifespan. I've met such people, I know. So I make sure to learn from every trial, every bad thing, as well as from every good thing. Some things have taken me years to learn something good from them, others moments. When you make a mistake, I suggest take time to learn from it, and also to teach others from your experience with that mistake. If one doesn't learn from a mistake or teach after making one, then didn't that person make that mistake in vain? I wouldn't want to make a big mistake in vain, nor go through a terrible situation in vain. Sometimes it's SO hard to figure out how to learn from it or how to get stronger from it, but I've found that every single time I've focused on one, focused on finding out how it can be used to learn from, to grow from, I have found a good reason. Like I said, sometimes it takes me a decade or longer, but usually, for things that happened to me or that I made a mistake with, it comes to me in a week or a month. So yeah, isn't it a bit annoying when every elder you know assumes they know better than you? Many do in some ways, sure, but all of them in every way? Of course not! Of course, learning from their mistakes is good as well. Just keep in mind if they are teaching the correct lesson or something wrong entirely. Just because a person is young doesn't mean you must underestimate them, nor make assumptions. One example, not about knowledge, but about assumptions, is when I, 28 years old, go to a doctor, and honestly everyone in the waiting room is three times my age, staring at me like "why is he here? He can't have problems at that age..." and then even the doctors do it. I'm happy I finally found a doctor that listens and understand young people get sick too. I don't hate on people and am happy talking about anything with others. I may not accept everyone's views, but I won't judge people because of theirs. I don't judge. I want to be a person you can feel safe talking to about whatever you want. Please don't run off, I am a Christian, yes, but I NEVER force that belief on others. How would forcing it on someone help them? They'd back away. Even Christ said not to, so when you see Bible Thumpers, know they are not doing what their own Lord said to in that respect. We are not to force anything on anyone! I'll bring Christ up if you ask, but not if you don't, okay? Okay! Good then! Now let us see, about me... okay, I once wrote poetry, I love taking pictures of nature, groups of people, helping memories remain by making photos. I enjoy making friends no matter what they do. I don't think of people as being unequal in any manner. I do sometimes play video games, but I'm not great at them since I don't play all the time. I have a LOT of free time since I'm stuck in bed. You can send me anything you like, and we can talk about it. I won't ignore you. I don't get angry at people anymore. I have no triggers. So if you send me a message and don't get a reply for a long time, I must be in the hospital (using a smartphone is hard when your hands tremble), unable to type due to pre or post seizure activity, lost my pass, or whatever, because I WILL NOT ignore anyone. I speak to a LOT of people and answer them all with unique replies, not copy and paste, so haha, it can take a while. I will get to you, though, especially if you send me a 2nd message such as "You haven't replied, I really want to talk." I'll jump to make you the top 5 I am currently replying to. About me? Other things, I guess... I say none of this to make you pity me, and ask that you don't. Okay? Now, I am a bedridden man. I can only walk for about 10 minutes before my lower back inflames and the spinal cord is pinched. I then fall into the floor paralyzed. I can feel when this is close to occurring, so I immediately sit down in what would seem like a random time to outsiders. So there are two back injuries like that and a neck injury. The paralysis extends from my lower back down to my toes completely. I have to move carefully with my arms if no one is around. It lasts a random length of time, sometimes a few seconds, and other times over a week. So I have to say no to my dad asking for simple help when I feel my back is close to shutting down. I don't like saying no to him, though... There's also the tremors. During these tremors, I can't easily communicate at all. My mouth begins to stutter terribly and can't be understood, while I lose my ability to write or type. I literally have to get my parents to guess what I'm mentioning if it's important. Mom knows me well, so she tends to know right away. Scars are a small thing. I have over 80 them simply because my skin is very pale and fair. I can't tan at all, no matter what I do. I burn after 2-3 minutes in the sun and also cannot see in sunlight. The eyes don't adjust now. Kind of like how I no longer feel thirst, hunger, and such. I don't lie, that's one thing I made a promise about since years ago I was a big liar. Now I will not even speak a white lie. I won't even begin to construct a web of lies, not even one strand nor how tiny. I have seizures. The ones I know of which occur when I am awake happen about twice a month. Then there are some which occur while I sleep. I know they happen because instead of some bump or cut from falling, I will feel my entire body burning from over-usage as the seizures do that. When awake, I can see them coming within about 10 minutes. I can 100% know when one is to happen within 30 seconds. I feels like someone is behind you dangling spiders over you. I once jumped out of my room, ran as fast as possible to the living room to explain what was happening to my parents, but my speech center failed me, so I collapsed there and they said I contorted and twisted in many ways with all sorts of stuff happening. I was SO sore after awakening. That jump and running to my room were using adrenaline, so I was able to exceed my normal abilities, but oh did my body pay for it later on. Yes... I live with my parents. I can't work, have no income like disability or anything (applied recently, but this is the second time). My memory disappears very fast, even simple words do for a while. It's nearly at alzheimer'z level, which my grandpa had. Thing is that I regain my short term memory within a few minutes to days later. When typing or talking, I make sure to write down what I am talking about, because if I can just get the topic itself back into my head, the last thing I was speaking of returns. Otherwise, without reminders, my mind becomes filled with random thoughts and it's hard for anyone to tell what I'm doing. So that also makes it impossible for me to even do a simple job. I mean, I've put my hat in the freezer, taken pills, forgotten, taken another dose, and repeat (thus why my mom controls them). Despite the brain issues, I learn extremely fast, have a high IQ, when both my parents already had genius ones, but let me tell you this... when someone says they are better than you because they have a really high IQ, laugh. Really high IQs make it SO hard to think since that person has such a quickly moving, never ceasing to catch a breath, type mind. It also brings attention problems and insomnia. So I knew even before I got bad, that I wouldn't even try to drive cars. Speaking of which, I wasn't unhealthy, not for a very large part until after age 20ish. So I went from being able to work with my body and mind, loving having a job even with extra hours and a minimum wage, to being unable be a janitor, guard, office worker, deliveryman, and so on. It happened so fast. Just like with my first dad, whom I always called "Daddy" since I was really young up 'till he passed on from lung cancer that eventually spread to many other organs. I now have a new dad, and though I'm not adopted, I call him Dad. I've come to love him, honestly, just as much as I loved Daddy when he was here. Problem is that my Daddy had absolutely tons of hereditary diseases which passed onto me, of course. So I plan on never passing them onto a kid. So for example, his legs were bad, his back was bad, and so were his teeth. Yes to those three of MANY. If I so much as lightly brush my teeth or eat soft bread, I will feel a crack, or hear one, and then find that a chunk of a tooth has fallen off. So I need to get rid of all my teeth and have a few implants done. Not all the teeth implanted, just enough to chew. I rarely chew now since it breaks teeth, so I use things that you need not chew or are just liquid nutrition. My front teeth are fakes, so they look alright, but the others are not so great. Another thing is that my dad had strange hearing. Not that I have better hearing, rather I cannot control it at all. Normal people can talk to each other and hear that conversation, but my ears hear everything. So while one usually can hear as if on a specific radio station with maybe a little background noise, I hear all the radio stations. So I have to put in ear plugs, which still don't fix it, and also take very powerful muscle relaxers to fall asleep. Otherwise it is usually a nearly impossible thing to do, sleeping, that is. I'd love to marry, but not until I have a way of supporting a family. Things happen like that. Who knows? I really would love to marry. I have dated in the past, and I'm not a sexual kind of person, nor were the girls I dated. We didn't do anything, and I preferred it that way. The thing is, when it came to commitment, every last girl was not prepared. Yet they say the guys are the ones that won't commit. Hahaha! So yeah, I'd have to find a girl whom would commit. It is peaceful, though, not having anything that someone can use to cause me to react a certain way. I mean, as easily triggered as people are now, even a person without triggers might get upset right away if you said something about their family. To me, nothing anyone says about my family is going to hurt them anyway, and the same goes for a wife if I had one. I'd still call out lies to keep people from believing she did, is, was, or whatever they said. I just wouldn't snap into insanity mode when I did it, which should show a lot of people I wouldn't be the one desperate to cause trouble. That's another thing, I try hard not to cause trouble for others. My neighbors may be having loud, live bands and parties every few days, along with having taught their children, even the 8 year old one, to scream as loud as possible (I honestly wouldn't be able to tell if someone was hurting her, but I would protect her if I knew). Besides all of that, telling us to call police if we wanted it turned down even a little, when we had just asked kindly and quietly... I still won't cause trouble for them. My parents have called the police many times, yes, and my dad has wanted to just blast music towards their yard, but that's just vengeance and would still affect our sleep and peace. In fact, when I was as young as I can recall, my parents have always taught me to not invade other people's spaces with noise. Noise pollution is bad. Work the night shift and sleep during the day? Too bad, you won't sleep here with these neighbors. Are you a student studying when you come home and need quiet so you can focus? Nope. Need it to be quiet so you can do anything at all, too bad. It's just rude of them, but I don't hate them for it. Like I said, I don't hate people. But yeah, I've always used headsets, walked quietly with socks on, eaten quietly (eating and moving are for when someone is listening to a show or sleeping), never even using a video game, music, show, movie, anything out loud. Then when I was 13, I met two other kids, and we lived in a neighborhood that had no problem with kids being noise during the daytime, yet I still couldn't bring myself to do it. I dislike even pushing a door bell if I need to talk to someone. I feel like that is going to immediately upset them, so the first thing I do is apologize for interrupting them before getting to what I need to say. We are going to be moving a few dozen miles away out of the city area soon. Then there will be no screaming people, arguing adults (whom also resemble screaming children), cars flying down the road (I've been hit by one before, yet remained uninjured when that one hit me at around 45mph). It'll be so nice. We'll even have money coming in, not rich money of course, just money for getting by without worrying about every month! It'll be great! I've had to worry over making it from one month to the next every year since I can recall knowing about tax, debt, rent, and such. How about we make one flat tax instead of taxing the same money dozens of times? Never gonna happen, but it should. So, as you can see, I'm find with sharing anything about myself, and love to hear from others. I don't try to go "oh you may think you have it bad, but look at what I HAVE." Never. Besides, when someone has never felt something like a kidney stone, a bad headache could easily be just as painful to them. It's all about how much of a spectrum you have, how much you've experienced. In fact, when you hurt, I myself thank Jesus it's not another kidney stone, destroyed arm, break in my back, and so on. Best to be thankful for what you have, as well as for what you don't have. That whole grass is always greener on the other side thing. Like I have trouble putting weight on, and struggle with anemia because of it, plus it hurts when your body eats itself. Yet people I know whom are heavily overweight just go "I'll trade ya!" but I remind them they just think they would like this. I mean, you can die more easily from being underweight than over, not to mention the lack of fat, carbs, and energy means I already feel extremely heavy, at least like 5 times what I should. I remember being 15, working out daily with separate muscle groups to prevent overworking them, and then when I was done, I'd sleep. Once awake, I'd feel light and bouncy. Now I', 60lbs lighter than then, muscle-wise, and I feel 5 times heavier. Bouncy now? Nah, more like a person being carried around by strings with no power to stand on his own.