Reaching a crescendo...
The voices & faces of those that surround me become more distant like they're fading away from my consciousness; my inner turmoil along with my unsettled soul is drowning out their support and blinding my vision; my consent to surrender is my last major decision; therefore my self-destruction will be my final mission...I'm losing touch with the present, severing ties & feeling more distant. Depression is winning; going in for the final killing - injecting it's posion called 'isolation' into my vein & self-destruction will eventually reign. I'm paralyzed by my helplessness, self-doubt, and hopelessness; I'm on pause; just waiting for death's solicitation & the grim reaper's dinner invitation...
I'm informed suicide is the most selfish act; really? is this a concrete fact? if the hurt & pain are relentless, why should I be forced to remain here defenseless? I'm informed suicide is the coward's easy exit; since when is death an easy commitment? It's like they want to see me suffer so they have someone to take pity on and & compare themselves to & make them feel better when they are low. I just see death as the ONLY way to end this suffering; I have no visions of hope; feeling absolutely helpless and defeated - I'm slowly giving up. There's just no way out of this especially when I feel there's even more challenges ahead. This frustration/anger/bitterness/is reaching a crescendo; while my self-worth's rating plummets below zero...it's direction is focused inward; I'm about to implode/self-destruct/combust - stand back!...
I'm informed suicide is the most selfish act; really? is this a concrete fact? if the hurt & pain are relentless, why should I be forced to remain here defenseless? I'm informed suicide is the coward's easy exit; since when is death an easy commitment? It's like they want to see me suffer so they have someone to take pity on and & compare themselves to & make them feel better when they are low. I just see death as the ONLY way to end this suffering; I have no visions of hope; feeling absolutely helpless and defeated - I'm slowly giving up. There's just no way out of this especially when I feel there's even more challenges ahead. This frustration/anger/bitterness/is reaching a crescendo; while my self-worth's rating plummets below zero...it's direction is focused inward; I'm about to implode/self-destruct/combust - stand back!...
Replies
Mal - I am in no way trying to minimize your pain and suffering. I know how bad it gets. I\'ve been there myself. But please believe me when I tell you that there IS hope. On my darkest of days, I held on - I didn\'t know what for, but I held on. And eventually, the light began to filter in and I saw a glimmer of hope. I decided to fight. I decided not to let the demons win.
I believe that you are worth fighting for. I wish you could believe that too.
I love you and I am here for you. I know that doesn\'t help. But I need you to know it.
I have no family to lose awareness of. Death is my constant companion in this crisis that has only left me with the resultant severe PTSD. What is interesting is after nine years of surviving after the death of my husband with severe disability by myself the intense of pain of having been left for dead by society, that only values material wealth, along with the Christian community, claiming a love of god that turns out to only in truth be a love of material wealth, has become so completely overwhelming that it has left me too exhausted and overwhelmed to experience any more of the intense pain and now I only have a strange form of \'numbness\' that has taken its place. I have reached a place of such complete physical and mental exhaustion that I no longer have the ability to perceive the pain of such a crisis as this has been. I now have moments of joy and happiness and life almost feels \'good\' at times. I know at some point I will simply collapse and die from trying to survive such a crisis as this has been by myself but until then I\'m thankful for the times of joy and happiness I now experience from my being to overwhelmed and beyond exhausted to feel anymore of the pain.
Keep sharing and venting as we only have to take one small step at a time.
I hope our lives have REAL improvement soon -- until then I am simply so very thankful I can no longer experience the severe pain of surviving this extended episode of the Twilight Zone nightmare that is now my life after the death of my husband left me to cope with severe disability by myself in a world that has declared me DEAD.
Gentle ((hugs)) shared with you.
:-) Patricia
Sorry for the typos -- I am having one of those \'blind\' days it appears.
I must say that you write beautifully, your keen emotions coming in many colors despite the darkness.
All I can helpfully say is \"don\'t believe that voice that says it is all worth nothing at all and death is the solution.\"
Please contact your therapist if you can during this crucial time.
@ Kindmirrow - thanks...
@ 1Patriciann - keep surviving; I know what you mean about twilight zone episodes...
@ L2L - thanks for all your support; you\'ve been such an angel & guiding light for not just me but so many...Remember - if I\'m not on DS for (3) consecutive days, assume the worse & look to hear from me no more...
mal - please don\'t say that. :(
I know I have no control over what you do, but I hope and pray that you find a way out of this depression. You deserve to live a full and happy life.
Please take good care of yourself!!! You are a very important person with a lot to offer.
I will send tons of good vibes your way!!!!