Night time is the worse time...
So much to improve on. My mood is fair; not good but not bad - just on the fence; not hanging my hat on anything. I want to reside more in the external world and less in my own mind; I don't know how to make that happen. The phases within my depression have migrated from sadness & despair to anger & frustration; and if my mood swings to horrible again, I will probably destroy everything around me before turning on myself:
Depression has waged war on my life, using my own rage as it's knife..
I've been trying to lose myself in my work, reading, working out, listening to music, and spending time with my son; residual time is spent watching tv sports (baseball, football, etc.) - anything to keep the bad thoughts at bay. It's my defense against depression's gorilla war-like tactics.
Night-time, however, continues to be the biggest challenge. This is when all the bad, dark thoughts awaken from their slumper using my mind as it's playground, when I am physically & mentally sedentary; these thoughts are like kids at recess, running randomly and freely as if they've escaped from their confinement; or like hound dogs being let free to track their master's prey. My dark thoughts fnially catch-up with me during this nocturnal setting, holding me captive; the night's silence allows these thoughts full access to my auditory senses; I get so restless I don't know what to do; covering my ears doesn't work. I've gotten up, taken a walk outside around the block as if I'm getting away, tried reading, watching tv, but I know I have to get some 'shut-eye'. If I don't, I will not be motivated or have the strength to get thru the up-coming day. I want to (at will) reach a state of nocturnal comatoseness; by mastering deep meditation or self-hypnosis...and at least win this battle against depression...
Depression has waged war on my life, using my own rage as it's knife..
I've been trying to lose myself in my work, reading, working out, listening to music, and spending time with my son; residual time is spent watching tv sports (baseball, football, etc.) - anything to keep the bad thoughts at bay. It's my defense against depression's gorilla war-like tactics.
Night-time, however, continues to be the biggest challenge. This is when all the bad, dark thoughts awaken from their slumper using my mind as it's playground, when I am physically & mentally sedentary; these thoughts are like kids at recess, running randomly and freely as if they've escaped from their confinement; or like hound dogs being let free to track their master's prey. My dark thoughts fnially catch-up with me during this nocturnal setting, holding me captive; the night's silence allows these thoughts full access to my auditory senses; I get so restless I don't know what to do; covering my ears doesn't work. I've gotten up, taken a walk outside around the block as if I'm getting away, tried reading, watching tv, but I know I have to get some 'shut-eye'. If I don't, I will not be motivated or have the strength to get thru the up-coming day. I want to (at will) reach a state of nocturnal comatoseness; by mastering deep meditation or self-hypnosis...and at least win this battle against depression...
Replies
Do you \'chat\'? I was never any good at it with my disability often causing such short term memory problems and spelling - well - spelling becomes downright funny at times. I use spell check but it is slow go.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
I have the same ongoing issue with the Dark. It helps me if I can remember to watch the sun go down and to listen for that brief moment of silence before it does.
I\'ve never chatted on DS; not that I haven\'t wanted to, but just haven\'t..My journals are always rough-drafts, I go back and edit them all the time after seeing spelling mistakes or discovering better ways of clarifying my thoughts..
I am sorry you are feeling down. I know what you mean about the night. That is often hardest for me. I am learning to try to stay busy, reading,computing, watching t.v.Chatting on ds is fun. If you ever see me on here I\'d be glad to chat with you.
I feel better knowing that I am not alone in the going back and doing the \'make over\'
I wish we received alerts to when a journal is updated as I know when someone makes a new entry but I don\'t get notices letting me know about when it is commented on by the author. I miss a lot that way. I just noticed someone commenting on your journal and popped in and saw you had responded. I\'m glad I caught it.
I\'m with you on how you approach your journal. It is the same for me. It is good just knowing I have a lot of good company.
Keep up the good work!!!
:-) Patricia
I\'m sorry you are having a hard time at night. Sounds like you are trying to get out and distract yourself a bit at a time. I hope you can get some sleep. Not sleeping makes the depression harder to deal with.
You are doing great!