2011 ---> 2012...

As 2011 comes to a close, I've started reflecting on the events that have taken place that affected my progress/set-backs.  I can say with confidence that I've had far more bad days than good ones.  Depression's dark cloud causes a continuous shadow, while it's over me it's too dark to see tomorrow...It's a year that has seen me almost take my life by pointing a loaded gun to my temple & almost pulling the trigger, to almost having a nervous break-down 2000 miles from home-alone during a thunder storm, being admitted to the mental ward of the hospital for strongly expressing my strong suicidal ideations, going on various AD meds for the 1st time, the endless/sleepless nights with dark thoughts, almost separating from my wife, being diagnosed with t2 diabetes; these are just the "hi-lites".  Although there's still time left in this year and the script is still being written, I'm still standing; still writing; probably a miracle in itself...
While others preoccupy themselves with living to keep from thinking about death; I think about death to pre-occupy myself for fear of living - a mindset that I must abandoned if 2012 will provide me better days than it's predecessor...