On the fence...
Life's so lonely even my own shadow's abandoned me..I'm on a journey to rescue my soul from hell's eternity..
On a winding narrow dirt path I walk alone at twilight..a steep drop to my left and a rocky mountain side to my right..
I'm lost and tired; my path seems endless..Is this twilight the beginning of light or darkness..
I walk along the border between life and death..not sure if this moment owns my last breath..
I can't committ myself to either; I'm not sure if I'm confined eternally to this internal hell - being to afraid to live and too scared to die. Sometimes I wonder if I really am at least partially dead. Sometimes I feel like I'm translucent or I'm just watching myself in some movie or soap opera - a twilight zone episode. (To be continued...)
On a winding narrow dirt path I walk alone at twilight..a steep drop to my left and a rocky mountain side to my right..
I'm lost and tired; my path seems endless..Is this twilight the beginning of light or darkness..
I walk along the border between life and death..not sure if this moment owns my last breath..
I can't committ myself to either; I'm not sure if I'm confined eternally to this internal hell - being to afraid to live and too scared to die. Sometimes I wonder if I really am at least partially dead. Sometimes I feel like I'm translucent or I'm just watching myself in some movie or soap opera - a twilight zone episode. (To be continued...)
Replies
Isolating is the worse thing you can do. Have you tried Abilify? It can be added to your anti-depressant. Talk to a therapist, please, or a psychiatrist. There\'s no reason to continue suffering. Even if Abilify isn\'t for you (due to your diabetes), there are other medications. I hate to see you suffering in this way and I don\'t want you to leave us. Please don\'t do that.
I can so relate to this. With me there are no conversations with anyone outside of us sharing here as DS friends.
I think it helps to simply take it moment by moment and release everything we have no control over - that frees up the \'mental juices\' to focus on what we \'can\' do. Also, deep, slow breathing helps - each time we exhale we relax our muscles until no stress can remain and all we are is relaxed and doing what we \'can\' while letting the rest go.
Very gentle ((hugs)) shared with you.
:-) Patricia
When I was looking at your Avatar today, it seemed to reflect your situation. Your two selfs as you put it feeling in equal pulls with ultimately no commitment to either \"pull.\"
It\'s very hard to climb back up when you get into this territory -- easier to keep sliding down and then you try something positive, feel an ever so not long lasting lift and then down again -- that\'s what I know of it anyway.
I could (can) understand how weary and discouraged you would feel in fighting the same battle for such a long time.
I hope you are able to see this as a storm which you can ride out. I wish for you moments of peace and perhaps the luck to see the beauty in life. It\'s always there. It\'s in your writing (you write beautifully) even though your writing is dark at this time.
Thank you Kindmirrow for your kind words...I thought about the Avatar symbol as well; a very astute observation. I hope that one day my writing can reflect on positive experiences but for now the \'dark\' side is what consumes my emotions...
O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.
By Saint Ignatius of Loyola
I like yur Journal entry i can relate. You write well. Onday i hope you happy thoughts and we can all relate.