Not sure how all this works but now that my ed is stalled My wife no longer has the desire for sex. We worked so hard to fix my ed and now that is gone my erection is the same as it was 20 years ago...maybe better. She quit!

Hi,
I'm glad I found this forum. It's amazing to see how many couples are suffering from this, and how almost all the cases are so similar in both the husband's depression and withdrawal and the wife's rage and doubts about her self-esteem.

This is my story.
My BF and I have been together for a little less than 2 years. When we started dating, he told me he just discovered he needed a treatment for Low Testosterone, and he was applying a gel to his back every day. Frankly, I didn't notice any problems, since we had a very active sex life and he seemed very eager to pleasure me and be pleasured.

After 6 months, he started to change. His doctor changed the gel to injections, and he became grumpy and distant. Even so, we decided to move together a little before our first anniversary. Again, I didn't notice any ED problems, but we didn't have much sex (2-3X per month) his mood was terrible, grumpy sometimes, depressed some others. At that time I discovered he was an active member of an online dating site, and he also met "secretly" (he confessed it later) with a very attractive girl who used to be his sexual partner before me. I was outraged... he refused to touch me arguing he had problems, but he was looking for visual or physical stimulus somewhere else?! We had a very hard time dealing with this and I had to go to counseling to make peace with the fact that he actually did not seek any kind of sexual relationships with these people. He erased his account at the online dating site and has not had any "secret" escapade since then. (Now I think he was trying to prove something to himself while doing that).

Sex continued to decrease, despite the fact that we fixed our emotional problems. I gave him an ultimatum and he went to see a doctor to find a cure to his issue (at this point, he was unable to perform only once). His testosterone was very low. After some blood and semen analysis, the doctor found he has a severe infertility problem. And from that moment on, his ED skyrocketed and his self-esteem went super down. He was prescribed Clomid and Viagra.

Now, here is the thing: he is a healthy, fit 27 year old. It's odd that this is happening to him, being so young. And it's amazing to find in forums so many stories of very young guys in their 20s suffering from this same issue (ED, and sometimes ED+infertility).

I am a healthy, thin 37 year old. After less than one year of dealing with this, I feel old, unattractive, moody, irritable and hormonal. I consider myself a very sexual person, and I always prefer having a meaningful sexual relationship, so having a f*** buddy is completely out of the question. I pleasure myself to relieve the tension. Many, many times.

I really want to have sex with my BF, even if it's not penetrative sex. I don't want him to feel bad... sex should be an enjoyable activity for both of us. But I don't know how to ask for it... he used to tell me "if I see you are interested, I may become interested, too", so sometimes I would make a move, and he would become defensive. I love to stimulate him orally, but many times he refuses to accept that, and even manual stimulation doesn't work (in the past that wasn't an issue). He took Viagra for a while, and I think it really worked for us, but he stopped taking it about a month ago, I believe because it is expensive and made him feel like an old man trying to restore his manliness. So, things are now worse.

Before, we went to bed to have sex, and then sleep. Now, we go to bed to sleep only. Sometimes he would wake up and we would try, but we have not been very successful recently. Last night was the worst... after almost one month, we tried again, but he stopped when trying to penetrate me. It was an awful moment, because I could sense his deep disappointment, and I could not do anything about it. I was eager and more than ready to have sex. I thought about pleasuring myself, but frankly I was so sad, I went to the bathroom and cried instead.

He is 27, I am 37. We want to share our lives and form a family. Reading some of your stories terrify me... how can all of us overcome this? How can we cope with the fact that sex, one of the most important factors in a relationship, is something we cannot do? Something that gave us so much joy and now it gives us so much sorrow?

I am about to get crazy here...

Does he take meds? They can have an effect too. My wife is back doing it so things are better..frankly I use both levitra and a pump because there are times the meds don't work. When I took BP meds and sleep stuff my desire was shot...you'll make it as I we did just stay interested maybe he wants the lead and your desire maybe be opposite of what he wants..anyway stay with it do you have a sauna or...hot tub. They both are a turn on for me

@tomphila: I'm glad you and your wife resumed your sexual activity. I think the secret here is to keep on trying...

My BF is taking Clomid at the moment. As I mentioned before, he stopped taking Viagra. I wish he took it again, but I don't know how to suggest it, I'm so afraid now of hurting his feelings. Also, since Viagra gave him terrible headaches, I feel kind of selfish asking for something that would make me feel great but him feel miserable.

Yes. That's my problem: I'm too afraid to say/do the wrong thing, I'm not doing anything. That's probably the worse you can do...

Hi Shroob66--My reaction to the posts in this thread was the same as yours--amazed that there were so many couples who are struggling with ED and responding to it in very similar ways.
My post is #108. My ED is from an accident a few years ago, so it came on suddenly you might say. My reaction was...I didn't know how to deal with it. It is all the things that the other guys on here have said--embarrassing, frustrating, depressing...it is a big change and takes time to get used to and to work through.
My advice is that he needs to hear the stories of other men who have ED and how it affects them so that he will not feel alone in it and that should help ease the embarrassment and depression about it. The key is that he needs to gain a sense of who he is now/with ED. He needs to stop resisting it and start accepting it, then even embracing it. That may sound a bit overboard, but not really. Embracing it means to see this as a chance to do things differently, to see it as an opportunity to learn more about different ways to experience making love with someone. I read that in a book about ED and couples/intimacy. I don't know the title off hand, I'll check into that if you're interested. The gist of what I read, and my exwife agreed, is that men tend to see making love as simply a sex act, whereas women see it as about closeness in a way that goes beyond the sex act part. ED gives men the opportunity to discover this and the result is that he gains a much deeper experience of love with his partner--and his partner is much, much more satisfied. It can create a connection between them that didn't exist before. You may find it helpful to read books together and experiment with the advice in the books.
He also needs to understand that you want to be with him and are positive that the two of you can have an as good or better love life than you had before. He needs to believe that. That may take time to sink in. He also needs to hear from you what your needs are and to understand that ED is not only his issue but yours too. It is really important for him to step outside of himself to focus on you and what you are going through, what you want, what you need. ED or not, as a person in a relationship with another person, he needs to put his own issues aside and concentrate on your wants and needs, too. ED is not an excuse to leave your partner out in the cold. That's something I learned, but it took quite awhile to understand that, believe me! How unfortunate too.
I'm beginning again, in a new relationship, and I'm feeling really optimistic about what's ahead. To me, this has become an opportunity to experience more than I'd ever known was possible. But, it took time and mistakes...good luck to you both!

In your response to tomphila, you said that you are afraid to do anything that might hurt his feelings, and that you think that may make things worse. It's certainly a difficult position to be the partner of the one who has ED--you want to help, but how? You feel frustrated and alone I imagine, that's how my ex felt. You may feel you are pushing him and will drive him away. He does need to face it, and your interest in helping is showing him that it is important and needs to be faced/dealt with. It is a big part of your relationship, and he will be much happier once he moves forward with the acceptance process. If he seems to be backing off...introduce to him some of the stories of how other men have felt as he does now but overcame them and opened up to a whole new and still wonderful experience with their partner. He needs some models of guys and their partners who have turned their reality into something really good.
Maybe viagra is not going to be the drug that helps him/you if it results in headaches for him. Just remember, a drug is only part of the solution. The real solution is in the decision to accept it and in the courage to discover new ways for being intimate with your partner.

@sean1016: wow... I just read your story, and I can only say: THANKS FOR SHARING.

As a woman, it is always very useful to hear what a guy with ED is going through, because many times our partners are not very open to discuss their feelings or deep thoughts. I imagine the loss of your wife, who was so supportive, was devastating for you... but probably was that, among other factors, what drove you to research and understand more about your situation. I'm very glad you have a new relationship: I wish you both the best of luck :)

I agree with you... couples need to be informed and share feelings and read together and exchange ideas and possible solutions, because that is just another way to create intimacy. Yes, sex is a very important component in every relationship, but closeness is also essential for couples to thrive and last a long time.

You commented you had a book about ED and couples/intimacy. I am very interested in reading it with my BF.

I am very grateful for your advice and your words... thanks, really :)

Hello,

This is a question for the guys in this forum.
I'm receiving some counseling to deal emotionally with this, and my therapist told me I need to express my feelings to my BF in a sensitive way. She said he needs to know what are my thoughts and feelings, and somehow I need to encourage him to share his, because ED is something that affects us both, and only through communication we can make this situation more manageable.

Well, last night I decided to share my feelings with my BF. I think I didn't choose the right moment, though. I held his hand and took him to the sofa, and started talking calmly. He asked a couple of questions at the beginning, but as I was talking to him, he leaned on my shoulder. Then, he fell asleep.

This is not the first time that I finally gather enough courage to talk about the issue, and he ends up avoiding me so conveniently.

I would like to know what is that you guys feel, why is that you are not able to open up to your GFs/wives/partners? We are here for you, we want to help you, we're trying to support you by adjusting our needs to yours. Why, if you are receiving this enormous support, you prefer to keep quiet and hide in your shell? Why on earth you don't say anything???

I'm so disappointed and sad at this moment. I don't know what to do... frankly, I feel like giving up, my efforts are going nowhere. I hope some of you can share your ideas/experiences about this. Thanks.

Could you try for another talk?

@tomphila: *sigh* yes... but I'll have to wait until I gather more strength and courage to talk about this again. As I mentioned, this s not the first time he doesn't want to talk about what he really feels/thinks.

The problem is, while I wait until this happens, tension starts building up. Each day that passes by I feel he is less and less attracted to me, more distant and evasive. My vision of reality gets impaired and I start getting these mental movies where things get really ugly.

I wish I could receive a response from a woman that is going through the same experience... I would be very interested in knowing how she copes with the anxiety and feeling rejected/undesired by her partner...

Hi Shroob66... The book is called Intimacy with Impotence: The couple's guide to better sex after prostate disease, by Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz. The prostate part didn't apply to us, but the advice/info is still good we thought. For us it was the first step in really looking into it together.
Have you started a new topic asking for the opinions of other women who are in the same position as you? A new topic/question may get the kind of responses you're hoping for.
It seems to me that your BF is avoiding the issue for one, and for two not considering how this affects someone other than himself. That's the key in my opinion--to realize that he is not the only one dealing with this. I think there's a tendency for a man to focus on himself and expect his partner to just stand back and accept the situation. You asked why guys won't open up to their GF's/wives about their problem, I think it's embarrassment mainly. Also I think it's hard to know what exactly to say about it. Another reason is just plain avoiding the issue because it's a tough one to face, yet that's exactly what needs to be done.
From what you said about his avoiding the issue whenever you bring it up, and it's not easy for you to bring up/begin a conversation about it either, I think he's spending more effort perfecting avoidance than opening up to the reality of this problem. He needs to know you are serious, that this is very important, that it matters a lot to you, and you need him to talk about it with you--and books are a good way to begin that talk/give you some direction. Books also give you support from others so your BF isn't only hearing about the importance of this issue from you...not that your interest shouldn't be enough, but support for you is the key.
Hopefully someday soon he'll realize how lucky he is to have someone who cares enough about him to offer him so much love and support!

Thanks, sean1016... I took a look at the book in Amazon and it looks really helpful, with lots of straightforward information presented in a gentle way. I was about to order it, but...

Well, I followed tomphila's advice, and I tried talking to my BF again. I'm glad I did. I told him ED was OUR problem and not only his, and that I wanted to find help for both of us to rescue our relationship. He said he haven't seen his condition from that perspective. And after that he finally opened up a little, even if the things he said were not easy to hear.

He disclosed two important and clashing points:
1) I am the woman he wants to marry. If I leave him, it's very possible he won't look for someone else (in his words).

2) He associates me with a bad sexual experience overall. He said whenever he gets in the mood, if I touch him in certain ways, that reminds him he cannot perform, and then he really cannot perform, and feels miserable after that.

Why someone would want to marry a person who inspires him to feel frustrated and sad in a moment that is supposed to be joyful and intimate?

He also said he has been defensive because he sense I don't trust him 100%, and he definitely needs that. And I understand, but it was him who was looking for girls online and it was him who went out with a former f*** buddy... (and after what he told me, I think he did that to see if he could get a better physical response with someone else... did that happened to any of you guys out there?)

I'm working hard to repair that trust with the help of my therapist, I meditate and remain calm when he goes out to parties or motorcycle rides by himself. It's not easy, but I thought I was doing a good job. He said no, he still feels I freak out every time, and that makes him very defensive and not wanting to share his feelings/thoughts with me.

I'm devastated. Something tells me this relationship is doomed.

I love him very much and I really want to help him. But my efforts seem to be wrong. Instead of inspiring happiness and a desire to be as close as possible, I'm leading him to avoidance and sorrow. I thought I was offering love and warmth. I've been holding my needs for him, but right now I feel like I could just give up and start over with someone else. I just need to love AND be loved...

You appear to have just answered your own question. Good luck.

Hi Shroob66, I think you have made a lot of progress...he listened to you and took you seriously this time. He talked to you and gave you a view into the confusion and frustration he's experiencing. It's on his mind, and it seems to me that he's wrestling with himself over what to do next. Telling you that he wants to marry you is a very big and important indication of how he feels about you and your relationship together. The other part of what he said, that seems to conflict with his desire to marry you, sounds like fear and confusion that he's not sure how to deal with. He's blaming you for some reason, but I don't think it's because he's really blaming you...it's more of a defensive reaction to too much coming at him too soon for him to process, is my opinion. I said conflicting things when I was confused and feeling like I needed to get myself together quickly or else face losing someone. It looks to me like he's not avoiding this, I thought so before. I think your choice to talk to him again was a good one...you got two sets of advice from two people on this site and you chose what felt right to you...that's exactly what I think you should do.
Regarding what you say about his feeling bad about his inability to perform...and that it is on account of how you touch him..I think he's telling you he is worried that he's not able to perform up to his own expectations of himself..for you. He feels miserable, as we all do, because he is expecting to do more than he reasonably can. This is where a book that is full of understanding and ideas for what you and he can experiment with comes in to play. The book, or some info source that is outside of yourselves and filled with hope, feeling, and new ideas, will help both of you identify with other couples who are in the same position as you. The worst thing is to feel isolated and like you're alone in your problem...typically we feel a million times better when we find we are not at all alone in our fear/depression/frustration...and better still when we learn of how others are finding lots of ways to enjoy their sex lives with or without ED. I don't think it's over for you two...I think he's moving forward by trying to talk to you about it, even if it came out in a confusing and maybe hurtful way. Keep in mind what he said first, that he wants to marry you. There's no way for me to know, of course, but I think you are heading in the right direction. This isn't an easy thing for anyone to deal with, and it may not be a smooth road moving forward..but I think you have together taken a step in the right direction. If that book looks good to you, then I'd say go ahead and get it and start reading it yourself...see where that leads you. Keep your chin up, I think you're doing well.

I've been seeing my SO for a month. He was upfront about having some issues with ED and I don't have a problem with it.
We haven't let us stop ED from being loving and close to one another..there's a LOT more to sexual expression than penetration.

The most important thing is communication. If he hadn't been upfront with me, I probably would have reacted very differently. Because he was upfront and we have been talking about it, our intimacy has not suffered, in fact I feel much closer to him in one month than I've ever felt with prior partners.

The largest sex organ is your skin. All of it. Don't limit making love to genital contact. In fact, make genital contact taboo until the pressure to "perform" leaves the room.

Be kind to one another, you never know how much time you have left on this earth!
Positive Thoughts!