This is whats happened to us
He doesnt do ANYTHING anymore.. I cant even remember the last time he kissed me we r going on almost 1 yr yet again without sex of any kind...IDK,,I just dont know
Loving him isnt the question Ive been w/him more than half my life..he is my life..But at what cost to me
How could he make fun of this? How could he do that to me Here I am all full of turmoil & guilt at the thought of intimacy w/someone else & he makes jokes? Asshole !!! Did u see that post What a jerk Broke my heart..At least he still kisses u..U should be grateful for that I dont get that

Bonnie, are you in any kind of counselling? If you aren't, then you should be. It sounds like you are in a place where you have buried yourself so deep that you can't find yourself anymore. At this point, there is very little even your husband can do to help you. You seem to be so very broken right now and that is very sad. I really feel for you.

I'm sorry if this time I'm not sharing anything useful, but I'm broken and I need to tell this to someone that can understand...

My BF works from home on Wednesdays. Since I always work from home, we get all day for ourselves. Before, it was our day to have some after-lunch sex. Of course, that has changed a lot lately. I thought it was because he didn't feel like it.

This morning I went to my counseling session, and when I came back home, I found out (there are always a way to know) that he masturbated. Of course that's not a big deal, but for me it is... he never "feels like it" when I'm around, but he does when he is alone??? What does that tell me??? I'm not attractive enough, I'm not good enough??? The chances of having intercourse after he masturbates are null, so I lost my opportunity completely. And those opportunities don't come often, so I feel really, really mad, unappreciated, neglected, REJECTED.

I'm crying non-stop. I feel like giving up. I need lovemaking so much,..

Crying non stop I HEAR ya Im so sick of it Im just at the point now I, pissed off at his complete lack of shit
U need to CONFRONT his ass period ens of story..dont let that stuff go Id strangle him...plsr remember tho Guys can have orgasm w/out being erect/hard
U have to say something..we r where we r bcuz Ive shut down I nvr bring it up anymore bcuz he seems not to care..even tho I know he does but wth
If u guys dont talk u will b where I am now
Possibly ending a 20 yr relationship

Bonnie, I confronted him. He didn't say anything specific, as usual. He said he loves me, and he wishes he didn't have this issue, but never said WHY he does that.

FYI, he has erections every night. We sleep very close together, so I can tell. Sometimes he pokes me with his erection while being in a deep sleep. He has told me he has sexual dreams (I'm very sure I'm not in most of them). Well, the poking wakes me up. Sometimes he even fingers me for 5, 10 seconds, and then he stops and turns to the other side, leaving me wide awake and wanting more. Some other times he masturbates while he's asleep. Or at least, I want to think he is asleep. What does that tell me? Well, I think he is able to have an erection alright, but he doesn't feel comfortable to initiate any sex with me because: a) he feels like he is not going to be able to please me and he's afraid or b) he doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. Anyway, I end up losing.

I don't know how Bonnie and krobniori and many other women in this group have been able to stand this for so many years. I've been in this situation for less than a year, and today I felt how something broke very deep in my core. I'm starting to think seriously of looking for a lover. I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry :(

I sent u a private message
Dont be sorry we have all thought of doing the same thing...a lover..someone to fill the void bcuz our significant others refuse to discuss or acknowledge the pain this disease is causing us too
This getting hard shit wth is that?
When he masturbates does he cum? What a dick !!! OMG Id kill my husband
See side message
Guys w/ED dont get daily hard ons...wth is that does he seriously have ED????

Thanks, my DailyStrength friends, for all the support I've been receiving from you. I don't know what I would do without it...

Well, my BF was diagnosed with low testosterone shortly after we started dating. As I've said before, I've never saw a problem. It wasn't until we decided to live together that things started to get ugly. He started avoiding me. Then we had some problems... I think he wanted to see if he had a better sexual response with other women, but he didn't cheat on me (or at least, not that I know). I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum: you have to see a doctor to fix your sexual problems, or I'm gone. He did. They measured his testosterone and sperm count, and they are as lowest as they can be.

Since we started dating, he said he wanted a baby. I have an 8-year old son, so I told him I didn't have a problem with that. But when the doctor told him about his infertility issue, he became really depressed. They told us we could only conceive via IVF.

However... one day HE decided we should try to conceive by ourselves. Believe me guys, we had great sex again. Using Viagra some of the time, but mostly, he didn't need it. I think he was motivated. And I was happy.

But then, at the next doctor's visit, we were told there was IMPOSSIBLE for us to conceive with his situation. And from that moment, he barely touches me.

Now, the nightly erections. He gets hard, normal hard. He's dreaming, sometimes he touches me. That of course puts me in the mood. Before, I used those moments as an excuse to touch him, but he woke up right when we were having intercourse and, believe me, he looked at me with such disappointment. We finished, and he would go back to sleep, grumpy, as if I had ruined his amazing sex dream with an ex girlfriend or that cute Asian girl that works with him. Then, I recurred to hand jobs. That didn't work for long. He was ok the first two times, but then he pushed away my hand and turned his back to me, mad.

I discussed that with him. His response: If you touch me that way for so long (I admit sometimes I would give him a handjob for 5 minutes, waiting for a response that never came), you remind me that I cannot perform, and then I lose interest in sex completely.

So, now I don't touch him. I try my best, believe me. But it's so hard when you get poked and fingered and you're not allowed to do anything because that may depress him.

He masturbates when he's asleep or pretending to be asleep, but he never ejaculates. Now I know he masturbates when I'm not home, too.

Frankly, I'm not worried about him using porn as a visual aide. I know that's common in guys, and I've accepted it long ago. I have to confess use it too sometimes, since I have to masturbate a lot as a result of all this. I think of it as a tool for relief.

I have talked to some male friends and guys here in DailyStrength since yesterday, and most of them agree that it's either a case of psychological ED, or he's really not attracted to me anymore. Sincerely, I'm very disappointed, because my divorce is very recent, and I ended up with my dream guy, but apparently I'm not his dream woman. There are some other components in our relationship that make me think he's with me for pity, although I have to admit he does incredible things for me and my son. But I want a WHOLE relationship now. I never masturbated so much in my life, not even as a teenager. My sexual appetite is as huge as it can be... I feel like a 16 year-old boy. And I get irritable and hormonal and I'm taking anti-depressants to fight this sadness and sometimes I'm unable to even get up from bed. I don't deserve this. I'm a woman deeply in love, but I have to love myself first. That's why I'm already looking for a lover to fulfill that need.

Sorry for the rant, but thanks for the support...

I'm confused as to why he is treating you this way. I don't recall if the two of you have been to counseling...if not, I strongly suggest it. There's more to this than ED. He doesn't treat you very well at all...in terms of the sexual aspect of your relationship. It seems like he's directing his anger on you, but how he can accept this behavior from himself is hard to understand. If he's an otherwise loving and caring man to you and your son, then that tells me he's worth the effort of trying to figure this out. But, it's Not okay for him to treat you this way. We cannot deal with our struggles by hurting others. Especially the one we have chosen to love and spend our life with. The talks you have with him about this don't seem to be going anywhere. He isn't making any decisions as to how he will behave differently. It seems to me that he's stuck in that stage of feeling terrible about himself. I consider that a stage that most men seem to go through. The key is what he decides to do next. He can choose to be miserable and drag you through that with him, or he can decide to take the challenge to see things differently and take charge of the situation. Part of the challenge, though, is facing up to the way our culture defines manhood and the role of the man in sex. We seem to have a very narrow view of sex. I didn't realize this till I was confronted with ED. My ED is the result of an accident a few years ago. I was fine, then I had ED. It was a shock and ended up being more of an issue than I honestly expected. I thought since I could still have an orgasm that all would be fine. I didn't realize how confused, embarrassed, and terrible I'd feel when the time came for a sexual relationship. Those feelings certainly get in the way of feeling comfortable and happy when you're with someone. That's why it is so important for him to realize he is in charge of how he wants to live his life...he can choose to be miserable by not accepting his reality or he can choose to open himself up to a new way of experiencing his sexual self and relationship with you. I wish I could tell you how to get him to do this. Seeing a therapist who understands how to help couples with this issue is my best advice. He seems to be accepting the situation as it is right now.

I agree with Sean and Bonnie. You first need to gather all information and take a quiet moment to yourself and think everything out. Bonnie is correct that men with ED don't get nightly erections... My bf is 30 and has been dealing with ED for 3 years and has extremely low testosterone levels and 9 out of 10 times he can't even get an erection when he has taken his Cialis. I don't think he truly has ED and it's more in his head then his body. I'm sure his low testosterone plays partly into this and the news/shock of that. I think you need to question deeper into this together or with a therapist if the relationship is working out. I think it's something deeper than just the normal ED.

Thanks so much for all your comments and support. I'm reading and re-reading everything. Gosh, I'm so angry and sad. Good thing we have this group to express our frustration and be open about our personal experiences with ED.

Sean, Bonnie and Whittley, you are right. My perception is this: he has low testosterone and low sperm count, but he IS FINE. He has nightly erections because he is dreaming with other women. Fantasies, ex girlfriends, girls he knows. He probably masturbates thinking of the same thing. Hard erections, normal orgasms. Everything ok. The common aspect here is simple: I'm NOT in the picture.

Sean couldn't express better what I feel: "We cannot deal with our struggles by hurting others. Especially the one we have chosen to love and spend our life with." That's the part I don't understand. If I love someone, sex it's a fundamental extension of that feeling. I trust that person, I want intimacy with that person, I also want to give him pleasure. It's natural and simple. That's why I'm so hurt, because if I see he CAN have an erection, but he DOESN'T feel comfortable enough to express sexually all the love he claims to feel for me... this doesn't make sense at all!!!

I'm starting to convince myself that this is a case of psychological ED. I'm also sure my BF is stuck in the stage of feeling terrible, like Sean says. For God's sake, he is only 27... does he plan to feel this miserable for the rest of his life? Relieving himself all the time, when he has someone by his side who loves him dearly and is eager to help him? Being unable to get past the fear and unhappiness and transform them into trust and intimacy? REALLY?

Btw, the lover idea is a failure. The simple idea of having sex with someone else gives me the creeps (Why I'm not a guy? Finding opportunities and feeling comfortable with casual sex seems like a second nature to them...)

Maybe it's time to find a sex therapist for couples.

Thanks guys, you have no idea how much I appreciate your help. I hope all the things we have discussed here can also help other people who are dealing with this issue.

(sorry about my bad grammar... English is not my first language, and I tend to write my rants when I'm feeling very emotional)

Schroob,
At first I thought that I wouldn't reply because I would just be saying the same thing as everyone else. Then I decided that I had to reply because two sentences JUMPED out at me from you last few posts. The first comment was when you said that he was your dream guy ... and the next one was when you said, "Good thing we have this group to express our frustration and be open about our personal experiences with ED". I'm sorry, but if you can't be open and honest with him, or he with you, then he doesn't sound like much of a dream guy to me. I think you need to re-think your relationship and what you deserve from a man.
I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this and I wish you the best ... I'm just not convinced that he is what is best for you. If he truly loves you, then he won't have a problem going to counseling for this.

Krobniori, I really appreciate your honesty.
I've been thinking a lot about all this during the last days. A lot.

I talked to my BF, and suggested going to a sex therapist. He frowned. We had an argument. He changed the subject and never said YES.

This is very hard.
But life is short, and must not be wasted.
Maybe it's time... :(

Hi guys.

I just found out THERE IS another woman. The cute Asian girl from his job. Yes, I knew something was wrong.

Well, I guess that's the end of this story.
Thanks for the support. I will always be grateful for your advice and kind, honest words.

I wish you the best of luck, guys to get better, and women to be strong and faithful to yourselves. You deserve the best.

Love,
Shroob66

Shroob66 - I don't know what to say, I wish I could do anything to help ease the pain you must be feeling now. I sent you a message, I hope you reply

Shroob I'm so sorry to hear that sweetie.