Ny
I recognise your situation so well. My partner also got pills when we were first together, I didn't ask him, and for the first couple of months he took one most weekends (his prescription said take one a week - British NHS keeping costs down!)

I wasn't looking for marriage etc and I thought that's how things would continue, as fun and enjoyment, and though I would have preferred sex a little more often I understood that he's older than me and gets tired as his life is very busy

Then he would 'forget' or
'be a bit busy today'
or worst of all
'we'll only have a couple of hours today so it's a waste of a pill as they last 4 hours. Let's wait til tomoro when we'll have the whole day, we can light the fire, lock the door and get our money's worth!' Then next day another excuse

The gaps between got longer and longer until I sat him down and told him I needed to speak to him about something
He jumped in and explained to me forcefully for several minutes how he knew what I was looking for - a relationship - and how he wasn't going to give up music and how he didn't like pressure and how he didn't want to be tied down etc etc etc. I was gobsmacked, I waited for him to finish and said
No, I was just gonna say I want more sex!

But sorry, I'm wandering.........but what was relevant to both of us was his reply to that......it floored him for about 5 seconds before he explained that he's older now, he doesn't have the energy he used to have and that he likes to pace himself. The pills are so expensive that he considers it a waste to squeeze in taking one on a day that is already busy with other things etc
Lots of other stuff but basically he was telling me he has his life how he wants it, and that now the first flush of being with me was over I was going to have to fit in around his schedule. That he was in control!

I can see that now. Not then. Stupid me....I still went along with it, yes, I understand, I'll be ok if I know it's gonna be once a week or once a fortnight cos I won't be thinking 'maybe today' every time we're together!
But what I was really feeling was sinking, crashing disappointment that I wasn't that important, that the great sex we'd been having was dwindling, but by I was now attached and wanted to keep on trying
By breaking the pills in half and spreading the rest out more and more he managed to make 8 pills last 8 months! We were having other forms of sex in the times between and his ego wanted to think that was enough that he was still up to the job. I was still reading the blurb that said 'men's egos are fragile' 'be careful what you say' 'positive reinforcemnent' 'things will improve if the woman's attitude is right'
Grrrrrrrrrrr!
It was a hard truth to realise and it's come slowly.....he is happy how things are.....he mentions getting more pills every couple of months but he has no intention of getting them, he thinks if he mentions them now and again that he's dropping enough little crumbs to keep me fooled......he accepts the changes in his body and tho of course he would like things to work better, this is how it is......this is it, it's not changing..... he actually thinks he's so great that I'm blessed to be in his presence.....he wants me to want him for himself, not just for sex........that good sex IS GONE!

It's taken me a long long time to reach a kind of stillness with it all, to gain the knowledge that it's not something I can control or change. It's empowering to realise that. I can if necessary now detach and look at him as though from a distance and see the little strategies he still tries to use to manipulate me and keep me dangling and I can put them in their place......
'the cost of the dog's insurance is so high! That would pay for some viagra!' (just making me think he would still like to get some if it weren't for the cost - crap, of course)
'ha ha ha yes my god! That would pay for a YEAR's viagra! But you love the dog very much!' (don't give me that crap, it's not the money, it's the control!)

Sorry for ranting Ny, as you can tell, although I've reached a stillness, there's still a lot of anger because he doesn't think deserve better sex and I think I do!

Good luck in your struggles. I've been reading these stories for 2.5 years now and the only successful outcomes seem to be from the guys who post......cos they are the ones who've wanted better sex and made massive efforts to get it. Guys like ours don't look at this stuff, don't go to the doctor, don't spend the money. don't take the pills, don't use the pumps, don't accept there's even a problem. We just tie ourselves into more knots trying to find the solution, the key - but there isn't one!

Remember - It isn't us - we can't solve their problem

Hi NyWoman,

I wish there was a easy solution to your problem. Us men can be so damn hard headed at times.

I assume his testosterone level is within the normal range? Is he taking meds that might effect his libido? How's his health?

Hi Bubbabiker & Honey,

Yes, he was tested for everything.. Even his heart was checked. He is in perfect health. He is also not taking any other meds that would have caused this.

I will say up till about 5 years ago we were wild.. Oh the fun we would have.. Anything goes and it did.. Toys were fun and enjoyed... Then it slowly started dwindling... Now I can't even get him to look at a toy. He literally has no desire and it kills me. I know I have gained some weight in 17 years.. No more the little size 7 body.. It makes me feel so unwanted. Here is an example of my week:

Monday:
Hey hon.. Lets go up stairs (wink)
Him: NO
Just NO?
Him: yes, I don't want to...

Wed:
Hey Hon.. Wanna go play?
Him: Naa I'm to tired
Too Tired huh?
Him: yea, maybe tomorrow

Friday:
What do you say we go have some fun?
Him: Sigh, Oh Alright if I have to
WHAT?! if you have to? No Thanks...
Him: What, I said ok.. lets go
NO, Thank you.. don't want to put you out..

That is a typical week. This goes on for weeks. Talk about Crushing someone's ego. We have no more little children.. All the kids have grown up and moved out (we have no children together they were from my first marriage). Every time I ask him if its me.. maybe the weight I gained he says no don't be stupid.. its not you its me.. But how can I think that? I keep trying to explain to him that I need to feel wanted.. So his idea of that would be to text me most every day to tell me he loves me..(yes, he still does this)

I just want to grab his shoulders and say... WHAT are you doing!! Come on! I just don't know what else to do... I don't even sleep in my bedroom anymore.. Because I don't want to try to have sex and be slapped again. I love my husband and I still think he's sexy just running my hands on his body to spoon can turn me on.. So why put myself in that position. So I sleep on the pull out sofa. Just makes it easier for me. He thinks I sleep there because I want to fall asleep with the tv on. I just let him believe it. My intention is not to crush him... Its to try to help or think of ways to make things better.. Just him not wanting to help is what drives me crazy!

Hi Ny,

Wish you could give my wife some pointers!!

But seriously, there is something wrong. Just because his T-level is within range (minimum 300mg/dl) still have an effect on his libido. Some men needs a higher than average count to have an effective libido.

I remember getting my first shot of T, it felt like a shot of LOVE! I couldn't keep my hands off my wife. LOL.

Several things he can try, like getting into an exercise routine, especially weight training and taking vitamin D to boost the T levels in the body. If he has a belly losing it will have a tremendous effect also.

Bubbabiker,

I tried talking to him about it AGAIN tonight... wanna hear how that went? I'll give you the low down.. Hon I think you should go get your T-levels checked again.. I hear their might be a shot you can get to boost them which will help you feel more like your old self... his answer "Yea, Ok" . Is there another reason maybe it could be happening besides that? Is it me or perhaps someone else? At this point his eyes are glassy.. No, I don't know why... Your sure its not Something else.. because we can't fix it if you hold it in.. Now his voice starts cracking and he says NO I don't know why... I should just write this down and hand it to him because its the SAME convo every time with a few words changed.

Then he is running out somewhere and I walk him to the door (where he always kisses me goodbye.. he turns and walks out.. without a glance back.. YUP way to make me feel like its not me!
I am truly at my wits end.. I feel like his roommate more then his wife.. I really don't know how much more I can take.. I don't believe in cheating but you know what.. right now.. I'm thinking a f*&k friend might be the way to go.. I just don't know what else to do.. I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself!

Hi Ny,

One of the effects of low-T is depression and it appears you husband has it. Other effects is bone density loss, reduce muscle mass and heart disease.

You can do as my wife did, set up an appointment to a urologist and make him go.

If he doesn't get it resolved I don't blame you one bit for getting your needs taken care of elsewhere.

I have thought about that too.. the depression being part of it. I do know we did have his heart checked (because of it) he is completely fine. No problems with that.

I did talk to him a bit more today.. he seems better to talk to.. We're waiting for our medical insurance to kick in but in the meantime we'll try the Vit D... and we're both gonna go on a diet.. (figure why make him do it only ... Not like I can't stand to lose a few pounds) LOL

He took off this weekend so that way we can spend some time together.. Hey its not much but its a start!! :)

Congrats Ny!

Hoping it's a great start to a better future!

Fingers crossed Ny, diet apparently plays a big part in ED. Especially waist size, I saw a tv prog that says guys with a 42" waist are twice as likely to have ED as guys with 32" waists. Something to do with the body converting fat to oestrogen which overrides the testosterone or something....

My partner was prescribed meds and went on a diet to reduce his cholesterol a couple of months ago. His levels have dropped and he has lost some weight. Any positive effects on the ED are debatable and completely unpredictable......he says he hasn't lost the desire at all...... over one weekend recently he was able to get an erection four times and the last time was so good. He even woke up hard which is pretty rare! Then the next weekend there was hardly any response at all. It did occur to me that it was like he didn't want me to start expecting that every weekend!
This weekend he got hard once - he was really horny and initiated things but it only lasted a very short time

So I never quite know if I'm coming or going, if you know what I mean lol!

He just genuinely seems to want to spend most of the time we're relaxing together cuddling, stroking and curling up together. I'm aware that I do see our sexlife as the measure of how much he loves and fancies me, so I'm trying to stop doing that. Difficult after a lifetime of men using it as a bargaining tool to get more sex when they were young!

Things are looking up Honey and we have to be grateful for that. I went to the doctor as you suggested. It was embarrassing as it was a young women doctor. She offred to do an examination to see if there was any dysfunction which I declined. I was aroused by it and knew I would have been unfaithful to my wife. However I had a blood test and am awaiting results. I do have a 32" waist and keep very fit so that is not the problem with me.

Wow Tony, you're a better man than me!

Hate to be in this thread but am encouraged to find others in the same boat- my husband had prostate surgery-removal about a year ago- spending $$$! On Ed drugs does little- if it does he sure doesn't act on it- I am so tempted to just say what the heck the next man that hits on me- I know I must stick with my vows but its hard I am 34 and he is 60 married for 11 yrs

Sorry to hear that KMANN.

I agree. Women have needs too that a man must fufill.

I have been with my husband for 22 years..married for 14 ...we are not yet 40..we have being dealing with ED for about 15 years off and on...and the main reason is porn. My husband has been addicted to porn since he was about 12 years old..he has been seeing a sex addiction therapist for a year and has been porn free for a year things are slowly getting better...

honey54: You made an interesting comment about sex being equated with how much your partner loves you. I know that my H's apparent lack of interest coupled with his inability to perform at all these days certainly makes me pretty much completely unloved. However, the lack of physical intimacy also seems to have taken a toll in our overall ability to communicate with each other. I can't help but think that most of that is probably on my part. The bad old thought process of "If I don't talk to you or let you get close anymore, you can't keep hurting my feelings and if I keep my distance from you, you can't reject me first because I'm rejecting you." Seems like a vicious circle doesn't it?