I am a man who suffers from this disorder and I cannot believe what I am reading! I love my wife of 21 plus years to the point that I have been and will continue to do all that I can to satisfy her needs. Lets face it people, there is a difference between love and a craving for physical intimacy.
There are different options one can choose but ignoring the NEED will not make it go away or make it ANY BETTER ! I cannot use most meds due to the other meds I am forced to use for my other health problems so I have been using a pump and penis rings with some pretty good results. I know that eventually this too will no longer work.
We have decided to allow for an open relationship to satisfy her NEEDS and provide for her desire. Yes that means what you think it does. No I am not giving up and YES i still love my wife. I however feel that to do otherwise would be incredibly selfish of me and hurt me to know that she was being FORCED to do without that particular type of contact.
All right wait for it...... There Is No Substitute!! You can do or use whatever you think but deep down you know I am right. Think about your past experiences using various marital aids as well as different types of sex i.e. oral, masturbation, vibrators. Again I say there is no substitute. I will still love my wife as much as ever, remember the part about the difference between love and physical craving. I can supply anything and everything except for the one thing she desires. Afterwards she will still be the same person I have loved for all of these years and I will still continue to do all that I can to prove that fact to her. Yes I will continue to try my best to have sex with my wife. I will also continue to kiss, caress, touch and talk to my wife because she CRAVES this type of attention as well and to deny this for her would be the same as denying the need she has for normal sexual intercourse. Having intercourse is a physical need, making love is what we do in the mean time. In my wildest nightmares I could not imagine having NO intimate contact with the person I haved loved for almost half of my life !! I loved her before, love her now and will continue to love her while I still have any being. My only stipulation was that there be NO secrets between us. Honesty is the only option here period folks. Women be honest wit your men. Tell them how the attention or lack thereof makes you feel. Men please do the same for the one you claim to love. We have been honest with each other and will continue to be, and we WILL NOT GIVE UP TO THIS DISORDER !! You should not either.

Wow Hugh step..for me I use the meds and pump. I let the Med stay in my mouth till its gone. I am as limp as ever but using both I am a hero. I respect your courage

@tomphila: I'm glad you found a solution that works for you! I imagine there's nothing better than feeling like a hero :)

@Michael1965: you are my hero. And not exactly because you're allowing an open relationship, but because as a man you recognize and honor your love for your wife. When I read what you wrote: "Yes I will continue to try my best to have sex with my wife. I will also continue to kiss, caress, touch and talk to my wife because she CRAVES this type of attention as well and to deny this for her would be the same as denying the need she has for normal sexual intercourse," I couldn't help it and and started to cry...

Guys, I'm so sad... Some days ago I had to beg for intimacy. For the first time in my life. And I was denied bluntly.
I don't remember when was the last time my BF kissed me (a real kiss), but I can say it's been more than a couple months. When I asked him why, he said he associates kissing me with bad moments :(

And still, he says he loves me. He stopped saying he wants to marry me, though. I'm so darn confused...

I have huge sexual needs, like you have no idea, but it'll be completely ok if at least he would kiss me and touch me from time to time. Like Michael said, that's something that lots of women CRAVE and need intensely, even more than sex.

My heart is broken. No sex. No lovemaking. No intimacy. No kisses. Love should be enough to generate all this, but maybe there's no love here anymore. Maybe it's time to give up :'(

Have u had your testosterone levels checked yet?

Oopps sorry That needs 2b done BELIEVE me Im dealing with the same shit now..he use to at least kiss hug etc Now not even that..I cry alot too..if u really use this site I have about a mth now it helps to talk to others that deal w/this BS..Dont give up Does he wanna give up Did u ask that question yet?
We have been dealing with this for yrs and yesterday it came toa GIANT head..u have to talk about it..it sucks really sucks.
I check this daily or every 2 days. If u wanna be friends and maybe wanna exchange info that might help us both let me know U R not alone

I'm 29 and my husband is 52. I consider myself attractive and he tells me i'm hot. sometimes guys hit on me but i don't care because all i want for is my own husband to desire me. he says he is "broken" and "too old". he says if he were my age he would really give it to me, but since he is 52, he can't. we've had countless talks. we've done viagra and cialis and it has helped some but his erection is never hard enough for his liking. it's not just sex, it's about being close. intimacy. everyone needs that in their life. it should be a given in a marriage. rejection does not feel good at all. it seems like the roles are reversed when he shoos me away and says he doesn't feel like it. my self esteem has taken a big hit. i try to be the best wife i can be, plus we have a beautiful 1 year old daughter together. she wasn't planned and because of his age there won't be any more, but i want her to see us showing affection. it's always me initiating. just once i would like him to wrap his arms around me. the change i would like to see in him, i try to show him so it may "catch on" but he hasn't been any more affectionate. maybe i will stop going up to him, kissing and hugging him and see what happens then. i never knew there was a support group for this until at my wits end, i googled it. i'm so glad i did.

Hi seems a lot is going on the ed can be fixed...vacuum device almost guarantees it. There is no pill for intimacy...perhaps put the ed problem on hold and work on your relationship. Do you have someone you can both talk to...clergy or counselor? Relative...friend. Do you go out? My wife and I go out 2 times a week and I find this is a perfect time to talk about US..and much can be done with that. No doubt you have a beautiful marriage...that really shows..so you are a short way from your fix. Did he see the dr for tests on this ed? You're a great wife and I am sure this will be history soon..no doubt this forum will be helpful to you..still you're the key and I wish you well...he's lucky

I write this with tears in my eyes. On one hand, I am so relieved to see that I am not alone in this trial. On the other hand, I am so distressed that so many others are dealing with the same problem and have been for much longer than I have. It is sad and somewhat depressing to know that there is a good chance that I may never have the kind of sex life I once enjoyed so much with my husband.

I can tell you that I am 44, he is 37 and we have been married for 13 years. I guess we have been dealing with ED in some form or another for maybe 4 years now, but it has worsened in the last two years and we have had sex only about 10 times in the last couple of years. Each of those times were very fast and not very satisfying for me. I miss it so much!

I love my husband so very much ... he is a wonderful man, husband, and father. I never want to cheat on him and definitely don't want to let ED end our marriage. But .... I am so damn lonely. I have tried talking to him about this several times and let him know that I understand it embarrasses and frustrates him to have this problem, but that I still need some kind of intimacy. And then we kiss and make up and everything remains the same. *sigh*

He very recently started taking shots for very low testosterone, but there has not yet been any improvement in the ED. He may get an erection, but it doesn't last more than a minute or two. I guess the next thing we should do is find a counselor that can help us talk through this because we obviously aren't doing very good at it ourselves.

There is so much more that I would like to say, but I don't want to take up the whole page ... and it basically just mirrors what the other women in this group have said. This has greatly affected my self-esteem and mental well-being. I feel unattractive, gross, and unlovable, even though I don't doubt that he loves me. I also feel selfish for wanting this so much knowing that he can't.

Ok, I'm done whining .... for now. :/

U r not selfish !!! Dont ever say that..u r human & humans need 2b touched...either sexually or otherwise. INTIMACY doesnt always mean intercourse...hello....
If my husband would just say to me once in a while...Babe I love u I want u so much..Im so thk full I have u..I miss u etc. SOME acknowledgement of what we deal with..if he would just say to me these memories or things he thinks about when it pertains to our intimacy Id feel so much better & know he still thinks of me even though we dont have "sex" But NO that doesnt happen. He only tells me he thinks about those times we were together when I bring it up w/a question of some kind
Guys pay attetion to what all these women say-- I c alot of women on this site talking & basically begging for something to keep us from losing ou minds Or worse our husbands. If we r on here...u have serious problems..Get out from under the self pitty BS & pay attention to what we also deal with..this is a couple crippling dysfunction...U R not suffering alone in this
.It is NOT just about sex it is about INTIMACY...feeling u hold us,,a kiss on the neck..something ANYTHING that shows us u still give a shit...Seriously...talk about selfish..that is selfish...
U NEED to remember that this ED shit is not only causing problems for you w/your ego & pride..it affects US 2-- Maybe even more deply bcuz women r and it is a known fact, much more needy of intimacy on ANY level then men..u kniw what I mean cuddles, snuggling the kinda stuff most guys can live w/out really but do for us
We battle with SELF DOUBT--.R we ugly? Y doesnt he want me? Y doesnt he try even the little things non sex related? A kiss a hug an I luv u..after years of dealing with this crap..then that goes away too... THEN WHAT do u expect us to do? WTH now??
Our self esteem lowers which in turn causes issues w/all the other little shit problems that really mean nothing in a marriage.
But when we r faced w/this horrible ED issue it takes prescedence over everything else . It makes us doubt your luv for us, makes us doubt ourselves & makes us wonder if it is us u dont, want, or if it'd be different if it u were w/a woman that didnt know about your ED so there'd be no "pressure"
These r things I see us woman posting about. Guys need to remember your wives r suffering too..U need 2b thankful that u have a woman that luvs u so much she is willing to give up a large part of herself ( the self U fell in luv with btw) to stay with & work thru issues w/ a man that has ED...We r with u bcuz we love u..U need to remember this..dont take us for granted..Try harder to do the little things..the kiss the big hug, sleeping in the same bed..She luvs u & ISNT going to poressure u to do more if u dont intiate it

You are so right, bonnie44lv...

Sometimes I wish our men could talk to guys like tomphila, Michael1965 and Sean1016, who are suffering ED but understand they are not alone in this and accept help and love from their wives, and are also sensitive to their partner's intimacy needs.

I've read cases like mixie82's, where her husband might be depressed because he is much older than her. And there are other cases like mine, or krobniori's, where our partners are younger than us, and they might be depressed because they are so young and wth this is happening to them. Anyway, I think our men get depressed because they think they have to face this themselves. Women in this group really love them and want to help them, BUT THEY DON'T GET IT! And, on top of it, they ignore us. We are hormonal beings (especially us who are in our late thirties/early forties), we have huge sexual needs but we don't want to cheat on them, so we make an equally huge effort to shut down that part of us (which is very difficult, since it's a primary, biological need). We still want to connect. But if we express that, we often find we are talking to a cold wall. If we get this on a daily basis, we get easily hurt because we start to take it personally. Yes, rejection sucks big time.

Personally, I have to confess I opened an account on an online dating site looking for friends and stating clearly that I'm in a relationship... I just have a GREAT need to receive messages now and then saying: "good morning, beautiful", or "you look nice". My self-esteem was completely destroyed, so this was my quick fix. I would NEVER cheat on my BF, that's not me and I'm completely against it, but I was very depressed without caring, beautiful words. This won't go farther than just messages, and I will continue trying to deal with rejection and negligence in my daily life.

What do you ladies do to boost up your self esteem?

Nothing for self esteem really As for me...I think me & mine r DONE
We had yet another fight much larger due to the stress on me from the ED
He was yelling at me..I had I finally said to him crying very hurt..I said "Do u realize that this is the only attention I get from u?" He looks at me and this is what he did & saidi

He rubbed his eye fake crying like a baby would and said.."Oh poor Bonnie Im so neglected wah wah." Yeah he did..hr BROKE my heart & Ive not spoke to him since..Im sick of this bs!!! I am hurt..Im struggling daily w/the thought of as u put it a fix..But weve been dealing w/this so long. Im tired of the words..I cannot BELIEVE he did that
Oh so this is all a big joke to u asshole...Im furious and destroyed buy what he did making fun of it now
We would b celebrating our 18th wedding annivrsy April 15 We probably wont make it I wish u guys luck This can end a marriage and probably has ended mine...

Wow..do you have someone for an intervention? Does your husband understand what level you're at. Certainly he needs to know your thoughts. You would seek some additional help counselor..clergy or maybe a person you both trust. I praise you for seeking help he is so lucky to have you...stay with it its worth it

He wont see a counselor IDT he knows the level Im ay Maybe I should TELL HIM
Im over it...after all the shit Ive dealt with struggling w/my own little devil on my shoulder...I cannot take it anymore
I cannot blieve he actually made fun of it..IDT I can get over that
IDT we are gong to make it thru not after what he did He can kiss my ass

Bonnie, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this! Your previous post was put so perfectly and reflected everything that I have been thinking and feeling, so thank you for speaking so clearly for us women who love men with ED.

Best thing I can suggest is for you to tell him flat out that unless he is willing to go to counselling with you for the problem that you both have, then he leaves you with no choice but to move on with your life. I hate to even say that, but I feel your pain and it scares the hell out of me to think that my marriage may get to that breaking point. I wish you the best ... no matter what happens.

I did show my husband this site an asked him to read at least a few of the posts so that he would realize that he is not alone and that I am not alone as a partner of someone with ED. We then had a long talk/argument/fight. Basically, it started with me talking and him looking clueless, then me arguing because he didn't seem to be taking it seriously enough .... then it went to fighting because I ended up crying and yelling at him for not understanding what I was saying o what I needed from him. So dam frustrating.

In the end, I love my husband with all my heart and I know he loves me and that he is a good man. He tries to make things better, usually by doing the things that he, as a man, thinks that I want, so fails because it is not what I want or need. The next day, he came and woke me up from a nap by kissing my neck and face. Sweet, right? But ... first of all, there has been zero intimacy of any kind for at least 8 months ... second, I was SLEEPING. Then I asked him what he was doing and he said with a grin that he was trying to molest me. Now, he didn't mean it in such a crass way ... but it just goes to show that he totally did not understand what I was trying to convey to him that I needed from him.
I want to feel loved, desired, special, sexy, womanly, sensual .... not like a piece of meat! And although he was hovering over me naked, he still did not get an erection, so I don't know how he thought he was going to molest me. Sigh!

Ok, sorry, had to vent for a minute, this gets so frustrating and I just feel like it is so unfair. When you meet and fall in love, you just never think that you may be dealing with something like this. I really miss our connection and our spontaneous lovemaking and romps and fun. I did order the book that tomphila recommended though, so hopefully things will be looking up sooner than later ... pun was not intended there, but it works so I'm going with it. lol

Oh, I also wanted to share this tidbit from our discussion the other night. I was trying to explain to my husband that I needed to feel as if he wanted me .... even if he didn't or couldn't feel that way because of the ED. I was trying to explain how I missed the little things he used to do that let me know I was special to him and that he was thinking of me throughout the day.

Then he said, "Honey, I just don't know what to do. Back then I my dick was doing all the thinking, now that it doesn't do the thinking for me, I am clueless."

I thought that hit the nail on the head. It's true that he would get horny and come up behind me and grab a boob or whisper in my ear, or start to undress me, or make a date for later, or wink at me .... any number of little things that didn't seem like such a big deal at the time. But it is the lack of all those little things that has brought me to the emotionless place that I am at now.