Well I don't remember how old your children are but I assume if your son is climbing a rock wall that he is not a baby or toddler. I remember my step son being 4 years old and texting or calling his mom about things he did. I wanted to keep her involved even if she couldn't be there and to me it showed my step son that we were not excluding his mom from anything. Now that he is older he has thanked me for always including his mom when she couldn't be there in person.

Seems like you are looking for excuses to blame your soon to be ex-wife for anything and everything. Or maybe you are trying to find some glimmer of hope that honestly isn't there.

Next time you see your son, ask him about climbing that rock wall, or better yet, take him to climb one yourself. Kids don't care that you weren't there for the "first time" to hug them. They care about the quality time you have when you do have them. It is what you make it. None of us here want to be part time parents, but we make the best of the situation and enjoy our time with them when we do have them. Please for your children, start focusing more on them and their needs and less on you and your wants.

I know we all are in a similar boat. It doesn't make it easier for me knowing this. I am sorry we are all going through this it sucks. My son is 2.5 and my daughter is 4.

It does suck, but it gets easier with time and adjustment if you let it, and don't dwell on stuff. You just need to redirect your focus.

@ESL, my Ex texts me things about our children and, as painful as it is to not be there, and worse, to hear her new guy was there after such a short time, I still appreciate knowing. It gives me context for when I have my son.

For example, she texted "Color me amazed. Our son has gone boating with [friend's] family until Sunday! He is really coming out of his shell!"

This was on Friday night of "her weekend." So, how do I process this text?

1. She now has the house to herself and new guy for the weekend.
2. I guess her weekends with my son aren't that important to her.
3. My son is becoming more confident and overcoming some fears and shyness and he is going to have a great time boating with his friend's family. I'll be sure to ask him about that and subtly reinforce this step in becoming a pre-teen and breaking away a bit, and I'll share in his excitement.

All three of these (and more) certainly passed through my mind. Only item 3 is healthy and actionable. So, I had to push the other thoughts out and focus on my son.

Was that easy? No. At least not yet. It is still too raw and new.
Was it necessary? Yes.

Did I appreciate the text? Absolutely. I want to know as much as I can about things that are important in my children's lives.

There have been similar texts of stuff she did with them - such as how excited he was to complete a "ropes course" while on vacation with her and the other kids in "used to be my" time-share in NH. Oh how I wish I could have been there with them (and him) to share in that. However, that's not reality anymore. It hurts bad, but I'm glad to know because he is proud of it, and so I can talk to him about it, and even ask him if he liked it enough to go again with me somewhere.

I don't know if this perspective helps you or not, but I hope it illustrates that you are not alone, and that knowing your kid's accomplishments and experiences is valuable.

How about you take your kids out to do something exciting & fun... & text your soon-to-be-ex-wife about it? Like a mature & responsible co-parent...

You are not a part-time father. You are still their father every single day. On the days they are not physically with you, you are still 100% their father.

These days of being newly separated are not exactly supposed to be the happiest days of your life. You're going to cry. You're going to feel bad. Accept that.

Praying for your stbx to "snap out of it" is ridiculous. Instead of praying for that... pray for strength to endure whatever life throws at you.

When together there were many times in had kids alone doing stuff without there dad because he worked. Even together you don't see and do everything together unless neither of you work and are attaches at the hip all the time.
Many parents co parent this way when separated. And kids do like to know you saw their accomplishments! Even of not there.
Your focus does seem to be the fact your alone, she doesn't want to be with you, and away from my our kids. Focus on your healing. The time with your kids when you have them. Obviously she doesn't want to work on things or by now I think she would of initiated something. All your begging probably is pushing her away honestly. Give her space. I havent followed this completely as you get more support than most on here but some people feeling just change. She may not be in love with you. Not sure if she has expressed her feelings just so you know. Its not easy or fun but sadly this is life. We have to deal with it.

Your story is so gut wrenching. I commend you for following your heart. You did everything possible to save your marriage and family. As I am going thru the same situation myself, I realize that both our wives have justified their actions in their own minds so that they can cope with such a selfish decision. What kind of person will throw away many years of marriage, memories, an intact family and hope for a brighter future? Although I don't like doing it, I find myself turning my heart to stone to cope. One useful exercise is to sit down and make a list of all the things that's she's done to hurt or annoy you over the years and even more so recently. Read that list over and over and think of what you've done to try and save your marriage. The pain from the loss and rejection will be slowly replaced with resentment and indifference towards her. Quickest way to ease the pain. I can guarantee you she has already done the same to you to justify her decision.

Thank you all for your comments and support.. it has been a while since I posted so ill give as brief as possible of an update.

ill start this by saying, my love for her, and missing her hasn't changed much, I am still struggling and crying more frequently then id like, i do however have moments of strength but they dont seem to last long. There are certain events that are still pending that hurt.. like the big family vacation i was suposed to go on is coming up in 3 weeks. Ive decided to take my own vacation the same week so im not sitting home thinking about them without me..although i am sure i still will think of them, atleast ill be able to find some enjoyable moments for myself on my own vacation.

I have come to some realizations too... I firmly now believe this has less to do with me then it does with her. I believe being a full time mom, wife, and family was to much for her, she felt trapped in life and just wants to get out and do more... This is evident by a few things, sinec she moved out, she has gone out alot more, been to 3 or 4 concerts in the last 3 months, and seems to shop for herself frequently. Further more, my neighbor came by this weekend, told me that my wife was at the house and talked to her a few weeks ago and said " Now I can go out on a monday night" maybe im wrong, but to me thats clear that she now has this freedom she felt she didn't have before. To add to this thought... She texted me asking what time i was picking up the kids thursday... I responded by saying I thought i had them tue... she quickly wrote back, oh ok, you can pick them up tuesday and keep them till sunday. To test things I said, do you want more time with them? I can pick them up wed instead, she responded by saying, no you can take them tue. I have also found out that not often but a few times while she has had them, she has had our nanny babysit at night so she could go out. Maybe im wrong, maybe im old fashioned... but i love my kids, i love my family... When I have them, I spend all my time with them... and dont want to give them back... I know I have to, but if I had my choice i wouldn't bring them back to her. it seems she is fine with not having the time with her, I can only assume it gives her more freedom.

This hasn't made me feel much better about things, but it has made me realize a bit that this is nothing I did wrong, and its nothing that i caused... im sure i played my part, im not perfect, but this is something internal she is dealing with. I am sad for her as much as im hurt... She longed for family, she does love our kids, but seeing her own parents divorce, and feeling trapped by our young family, she ran, and now is enjoying what she percieves as freedom. I can't change that, i can't make her feel anything different. Maybe one day she will realize it, and it may be to late.. I dont know. Right now, i am trying very very hard to accept things, but not give up. I scheduled a mediator, she hasn't, but as this goes on, and she expressed not wanting to pay for the house, I now feel i have no choice. According to our nanny, she said she hasn't scheduled it herself because she doesn't want to hurt me more... She has expressed things she does miss about us, but i suspect her desire for this freedom from family life is stronger. her family although loves me, and reaches out to me frequently, has done nothing but enable her. They told me to make it hard for her, while all they do is make it easy. I can't control that either. I can only control myself, and thats what ive been trying to focus on. Im not giving up just yet, but im working to accept it, and try to enjoy some of my freedom for now.

Thanks for listening. thank you all for being here.

despite your pain I see progress in you. you are truly seeing that it all She is the one who walked away and someday you will look back and see that you really did do all you could

Very odd day yesterday. Since I leave at 5 am for work once and a while she has to come to the house so I can leave the first few times she arrived 5 to 5 and I would just leave. Yesterday at 4 am she walked in. Scared me. I said what are you doing? She said she didn't feel well and couldn't sleep so just came over. She took an anti inflammatory and laid in bed with me and my daughter. I didn't say anything. My alarm was set for 4:30 and I just laid there not sure what to make of it. I got up showered got dressed. She was sleeping by then. I left. About an hour later I got a text. " you didn't say goodbye" a bit confused. I wrote back. Your were snoring I didn't want to wake you. She responded with an LOL. We talked more then usual during the day. In the afternoon she asked what time I would be home I said 5-5:30 and she said oh ok she would have stopped by if I was gonna be late so our nanny could leave. I said we should be fine but thank you. I get home at 5:30 on the dot. She is already at the house and cooking dinner. I was surprised again and didn't really know what to say. We hung with kids talked a bit about general stuff. I ran to cvs to pick up her prescription she got from doc. I offered. Around 7 she said she was tired and was gonna go home. She said good bye to the kids and came to me. I was sitting in then couch. It seemed like she was waiting for me to get up for a hug but I didn't. She put her hand out. Not sure what she wanted I put mine out. She touched it. Said good bye. Rubbed my head and left. The nanny gave me more info the next morning. My wife showered and then put on one of my tshirts while she made the kids breakfast. Then laid back in bed and went to work late I'm not taking it as a sign at all. But it's certainly confusing. I had therapy today and discussed it at length with my therapist. She thinks she is confused. Nobody that wants a divorce does what she did yesterday. But my therapist thinks she isn't really conscious of her real feelings and may not even be aware of her being confused. At the end of all this. It doesn't change much. I'm still left in a position where there is nothing I can do or say. I have to remain distant and try to focus on myself. I'm still trying to as hard as it is. I still cry at times but to myself. I am trying to not let my guard down.

Dude, you got no problems
You like to be used, to treated like shit
And
She treats you like shit as she uses you

I'm afraid I disagree with your statement in you latest update of "Nobody that wants a divorce does what she did yesterday."

People do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. Where we get in trouble is assuming we know their motives and reading too much into them. I interpret this much differently, in that she dislikes you not falling all over her as you were. But who knows what it really means? HER. She's the only one who knows what she is thinking/feeling.

You've made some progress, I would forget about this and stay the course, otherwise you're looking at a potentially heartbreaking setback. You didn't believe her all along when she DID say she wants the divorce, so you're trying to read too much into this out of your own wants and hopes.

Thank you... IM sorry if my last post came off as any form of hope, wasn't my intention, My therapist and myself taking all actions and things into account, highly suspect she is confused, but isn't even conscious of, and may never be. I take nothing as hope anymore, with exception to if she came to me and directly said, anything along the lines of, I am sorry, made a mistake i love you lets try etc... and even then id be pretty guarded at this point. I had my last conversation with her last wed about "us", it was short, I basically said You know how I feel, you know how you feel... You do what you feel you need to do. I can't promise ill be here waiting. I said I dont want a divorce, maybe we should legally seperate a while and give it more time. She responded by saying can i think about it... I said yes.. but promise me one thing... that you will really thinking about, We didn't have such a horrible marriage, we had kids and things got hard... but we are both smart enough and strong enough to deal with it together. She said she promised.... and that was it... I have backed off for weeks now, haven't talked to her or cried to her much. after last wed ive shut it off completely. I have had zero contact since then. Only contact will be kids related and only if important. Ive been trying to keep busier when i dont have the kids, went away this past weekend with a group of friends, and going on a cruise in 2 weeks the same week her entire family is going away on that big trip i was supposed to go on. Id love to tell everyone here im feeling better, im over it, im not crying etc... truth is, im still feeling alone and lost. I am still very much in love with her despite all, and not seeing my kids everyday is something I dont know if ill ever get used to. I do appreciate the support, both loving and tough love given on her. I know ive made just about every mistake in the books during this process and im sure ill continue to make more... nobodys perfect... im operating purely out of emotion and not my head. Something i need to work on. But i still want her back, I want my family whole, and would do anything for that... If that makes me a fool... i guess im a fool in love with someone that I cherished. im trying, im living, and trying to accept things..

"God grant me the serentity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference"

Well said ESL....I wish you peaceful moments in your tough journey.