She emailed me today, a schedule for the month of June and asked if i had any changes... I responded back with my concern about my new job location and me having to leave 5 am soon for work.... she responded with some suggestions which included her coming to the house early to use the treadmill and get ready at our house so i could leave the days i had the kids. I didn't say yes or no. she also added at the end of that email saying we should pick a day or night to sit down and talk about some things... I responded with just "ok" to the entire email. an hour later my curiousity got the best of me, i emailed again asking.. What is it that you want to talk about.... She responded with I just have a couple things I want to say.... Im not so sure i even want to have this conversation. I can only imagine its only going to cause me more pain, but im also not sure i should blow it of... As much pain she has caused me, and as much as its hard for me to even look at her... I have to some how manage a way to deal with her for the rest of my life. We have two kids, two young kids and for the rest of my life ill be seeing her and dealing with her. I wish I didn't have to, but what else can I do... sadly im home from a good weekend and just miserable again... i can see now how keeping myself occupied is a huge help... but it wont be easy to keep busy all the time. Money, time, friends being busy or not local will make it difficult to be busy as much as id like to be.

I find it interesting that no sooner do you stop responding to her every text and email that she suddenly suggests coming over to use the treadmill and get ready for work. She sensed that she was losing control over you and she's trying to use your work schedule to reestablish her grip. Don't fall for it. Unless she has had a sudden epiphany and wants to work on things, the answer should be an emphatic "no." You are trying to establish a routine without her. Having her back in the house even if only for short periods is only going to cause you more harm. You did great this weekend. Don't let her manipulate you into take a gigantic step backwards.

I agree with Missy73. Other than, I want to work on reconciling with you, which seems extremely unlikely, what could she have t osay to you that would be positive and helpful?

As for her back in the house using the treadmill, it is clearly manipulative to get you back under her thumb. Tell her to go to a gym, and find some other way to reconcile the schedule. It is entirely possible to drop off/pick up without having to come in or stay in the house.

This has been a horrible weekend for me, and I've had to find the strength to say no, you are not welcome to stay for dinner when you drop off our son, when every fiber of me is still craving her. I had to think of all the ways I've been treated like crap, and find some anger to get the nerve, but I did it. You can do it to.

Jesus the nerve of her is now starting to piss me off.
Look you had an amazing weekend with a peek at life without being miserable. That future is there for you.
I know you're struggling but I really have to concur with the others and tell her emphatically NO to getting ready at your house and using the treadmill. I mean REALLY? Missy is right, you didn't respond immediately to her texts so she had to email your family some pictures. This is all about control. NOW she wants a sit down with you? Ugh. Personally I told my ex anything she needs to say to me needs to be in an email. I know you guys have small kids but I would only meet with her to discuss them. Even then I would be leery but it's for the kids so that's unavoidable. Just keep your guard up, I hate having contact with my ex even now 15 months later. I never feel good afterwards. Congrats on the weekend

I'm with missy73.She is trying to manipulate. She has no business in your house, she left. You can figure out child care, and as for her wanting to sit down and talk, what more is there to talk about. Unless she says to you she made a huge effing mistake, begs you for forgiveness and tells you she wants to go immediately to marriage counseling weekly, I wouldn't want to sit down and talk to her. She is only going to drag you backwards!

Excellent job on the no contact/limited contact over the weekend! You should be proud of yourself for getting out and busy and doing some fun things. It is ok to have some down time to be sad. It is ok to cry and feel lonely. Just try and balance it with fund stuff like you did so it doesn't become consuming.

Big hugs!!

Thanks all... my confusion is two things... One, she is still paying for the house, she has to, unless we sell. I can't keep her from it, she owns half of it... second as far as child care... I asked her for suggestions, cause honestly, i can't have the kids stay with me, if i have to leave at 5 am. Our nanny doesn't come till 8 am. and not sure i can have her come at 5 am thats rather early. Her suggestion was that the days i had the kids, she would come to the house by 5 am so I could leave for work. Not ideal, and not my top choice, but right now im sure i have many other options other then not seeing the kids as much.

Is there any way you could talk to your employer about your schedule on the days you have your children? I know there are a lot of employers who will work with their employees who are divorced. It is really your choice, but to me, she left. She didn't stay in the house, she opted to move out. You have done a wonderful job putting up a boundary, I would be careful letting her come back to the house, only because once she crashes through one boundary, it is easier for her to crash through the other ones you set up. You have control over that. If you do opt to have her come to the house, maybe have some sort of rules in place. She is only there to cover until the nanny can come, it is no longer her "home". She is not to have her personal belongings there (no clothing, personal products-she can bring a bag with that stuff daily). The treadmill/other items she didn't take with her are off limits (you are not a free gym). You have every right to set up some sort of rules for the house you are living in. She may be helping pay for it, but she essentially deserted it. She can't just waltz in and out whenever she pleases. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. There is no grey in this situation. It is black and white. It's not fair to you and not conducive to your healing, and frankly, I would tell her that. I would also reinforce to her that any conversations you have in the future are strictly about your children and their needs. I would not have any conversations with her about personal issues between the two (unless, she BEGS for forgiveness and reconciliation, and not just once, but many times). Talk is cheap, actions speak louder, and she needs to know the damage she has done with her actions AND words and that there are rules that need to be respected so you can heal. You have to make the decision to do it, though, ESL. You need to demand respect from your ex. You need to enforce those actions. You need to make the decision to heal and put the plan into action. You can do it.

SJA makes some excellent points. You should definitely speak with your employer about your hours. I know you've rejected the suggestion before but I still think you should consult with an attorney about your rights. While your wife is still a co-owner of the home she is not entitled to unfettered access because it's not her residence. Is she dropping by to mow the lawn or clean the gutters? Of course not. I'm very familiar with Long Island and there are a plethora of gyms if she feels the need for a run on the treadmill. If you're not using it, let her take it to her father's house. There is no reason she needs to exercise or shower in her former residence. She made the choice to leave and she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions just the way you've been forced to do so. Don't feel guilty for saying no to her.

I dont disagree with you, she still has a ton of stuff around the house, i suspect stuff she didn't want, I haven't touched any of it, none of its really in my way or anything. She doesn't need to come to the house to use treadmill, she has a gym at her office that she usually uses, but i think her thought was in an effort to help my situation, My boss is very understanding and willing to work with me, the issue is, my LI office is closing, and I will have to commute to NJ soon. If I leave at 5 am, my commute is an hour and 15 minutes. If I leave after 5:30, my commute becomes 2 and half hours... its the horrible LI traffic that is the issue. same concept coming home, if i leave the office 2 pm im fine.. 230 or later, 3 hour drive home. I have to be in the office 4 days a week i can work from home 1 day a week. Those 4 days are the issue. Its a discussion i have to have with her, as the schedule with the kids will be impcated, and something has to be worked out. She doesnt come by the house now as it is, unless she is picking up the kids, even then she comes in and its only a few minutes.... I dont want to talk to her about anything, im going to try not to. I spoke with a lawyer, and here in NY, there is no fault, she can file anytime for no reason. 90% of the time the mother gets residentual custody of the kids ;o(. id have to prove she is unfit, drugs alchohol etc... which I can't. Legal custody is joint, and as far as the house, the courts will want it sold, or i can buy her out.... Dont think i can afford to buy her out, regardless I dont know if Id want the house, we bought it together, it was our family home, We built a family and home and she tore it down, the memory of it will only be painful. My only reason to think about keeping it would be for my kids and there stability, but if i dont have residentual custody, Not sure there is any value to keeping it. Just dont know... and am still really hurting from all this and the thought of these decisions and impact of what she is doing is only more pain.

What about a family member to come sit with the children until the nanny gets there? I just think with your emotional state, you would be playing Russian Roulette having her be there.

I'm gonna search for options but we are talking 5 am. Not many people will want to get up that early and my family is small.

I get that. Before when I worked in an office, I also had to leave at 5, so I totally understand your difficulty. I'm just trying to help you think of some solution that you may not be thinking of. I bet your family would not want to see you go through any more pain than what you already have. Hell, if I lived in NY (I'm in PA) I'd offer to watch them rather than have your ex there. LOL. Pray. Pray for a solution. I'm not sure if you are a praying man, but put it in God's hands. A lot of times it will work out in a way we don't even think of. Try not to worry too much.

I have the same issue regarding being able to find a job. I think her coming to the home at 5 AM to help will only be an issue because you haven't fully detatched and it could set you back but in order to keep things up and running you have to maintain the job. Do you feel it will set you back or you can handle it while you find a different option?

Can you find a SUNY student (maybe an early childhood education major) to help you out until the nanny arrives? You've had such a hard time detaching. I think having her in the house, taking care of the kids and getting ready for work is just going to remind you of the past and cause a major emotional setback.

Have you spoken with the nanny? Could she come earlier? Could you afford it if she could?

As someone fighting an extreme internal battle with detachment/no contact, I empathize and think it is risky having her over. Although the job is important to maintain, so if that is the only option, try to set boundaries around it. Be ready to leave as soon as she arrives.

Don't be surprised if she uses it to control/toy with you in some way - arriving late, arriving in tight workout clothes, etc. Just be prepared.