Hey m3chwarrior73,

Welcome to the site and the club that no one wants to belong to.

I am 41, relationship of 19.5 years (marriage of 11.5 years), also do the majority of the childcare work while working my own full time job from home.

Isn't it amazing how we have supposedly evolved into a place where either the man or woman can work, or stay home with the kids, or some combination of both. But as a man who does the majority of the child work I feel like I've been devalued as a man, and that may be part of the reason for my stbx's cheating. As a friend said, women aren't attracted to a "manny". Damn.

I'm going to say something that you probably don't want to hear, but I've been reading this site (too obsessively) for about 3-4 months now while my marriage dissolved into shit (it was already shit, but I didn't realize it) - anyway - your wife is almost certainly cheating on you. Look for the red flags. Are you sure she is staying with her best friend?

People who leave long-term relationships, and seem to have no affection or interest left for their partner, in the absence of abuse - yeah, 99% of the time they have found someone else and moved on. It sucks, it is horrible, and cheaters are f-in scum. I hope I'm wrong about your situation, but you'll likely join the betrayed among us soon enough.

If you've been trusting too much, in denial, and ignoring red flags for a while, think very carefully about the reality of your situation. The sooner you come to grips with it, the sooner you start the healing cycle (which will be crazy painful at first).

Good luck to you. If you feel inclined, start a new topic and tell us your story.

Steppingovertheedge- yea, i'm sure she's staying at her friends. It's not another guy. Not denial, just truth. She's just done. Been dealing with a lot of internal crap that she just can't let go of. She can't externalize anything, everything that goes wrong, or gets said, or needs to be said, gets crushed down into her soul and she can't let it out. Well, that vernier is finally cracking and she can't deal with it. She has parental divorce issues to deal with from when she was a teen, I ended up being too controlling because she let me, and neither of us ever stood up to the other and set up personal boundaries to allow us to grow as individuals within a couple. Now she says she's been trying long enough. She sees the changes in me since therapy started, but she just needs space to figure herself out. And can't seem to do that around me. I feel like she's regressing into a teenager again. She was overweight for years, had the sleeve, and is thin again. Total personality change. Can't hide her issues behind the food any longer, and can't seem to deal with them head on. so our marriage now becomes the problem. I will make my own post soon, so that I don't keep hijacking this one. Sorry!

M3warrior, my ex wife also lost weight after 24 years together and then split 16 months ago. But it was 5-6 months after she left I found the truth about her cheating and who she hooked up with, someone we both knew. Prepare yourself for that reality because I never would have believed it after 24 years. Usually they have a firm grip on the next vine before letting go of the old one. I've done enough research over a year to see the patterns.

I guess I have to be prepared for it, but I honestly don't see it. Even her friends and our mutual long standing friends don't see it. They all say it's a personality/self esteem crisis that she is going through after being invisible for so long (so she thought). Anyway, I am not hiding my head in the sand, and I realize it's a possibility, but I just don't see it at this point. Who knows though.

I also went through the most pain I ever hope to experience in my life when he left for the other woman. I don't remember the first month only that I cleaned out all of my closets. I blamed myself for the dissolution of our marriage. I cried, couldn't watch tv or read because I couldn't think of anything else. I talked to anyone I could about my misery ad nauseum. I started meditation, therapy and anti-depressants. I had to up my dosage to get it to work. My anti-depressant allowed me to step back and honestly look at my relationship. My stbx tried to leave 4 years ago but chickened out. He was still recovering from his illness and wasn't working much. He lied about breaking up with her. As soon as he didn't need my financial support anymore, he left this past January. This time for good. I'm the kind of person that needs to understand what happened. Before I understood, I obsessed about what went wrong with our marriage. Constantly. Every day. Two weeks ago, I figured it out. It wasn't me, it was him. (That's a long story that I won't get into here.) I enabled him to treat me like crap. I took it. I even got used to it.

I also know he wouldn't have left if he didn't have someone else to mooch from. My therapist concurred with my opinion. Now, I'm working on me and not on my relationship.

Every marriage has it's ups and downs (sorry for the cliche). But couples work through it. He didn't want to do that, he just wanted to run away. Since my epiphany, I have allowed myself to do what I want to do without having to put up with his constant disapproval. I have started to feel good, even excited about my future. I never thought I would feel good again.

We never had children. I wish I had kids. They'd be grown now and, hopefully, would be a comfort to me. So in that way you are lucky. They will always be family.

I've cut back to a lower dose of my anti-depressant with the hope of stopping altogether. I'll see how it goes. If it's too soon, I'll keep with it.

Everyone here said that you will come out the other side like they did. It doesn't matter how or why they left. They left, ripped your heart out and stomped it to death. Like my stbx, your wife sounds very selfish and self-centered. It's all about her isn't it? I begged my stbx to come back more times than I care to remember to no avail. Your wife won't come back unless SHE wants to come back. I only hope, should that happen, it's not before you're in a better place. She will do it again and it will hurt just as much. I have finally come to the point that I don't want my stbx back. I won't allow that to happen to me ever again with anyone, especially him.

No worries on the hijack I don't mind. Tough day for me today. First fathers day with out her and both of our families together in several years. It felt wrong and like a huge gap in my life. I enjoyed the kids but still hid myself and cried a few times today.

It's hard man. I get it. Today was my first too. It was just me and the kids most of the day. Very lucky I have them, and that they love me. She came home from being at her dads, and went crawled into our bed because she doesn't feel well. Asked if she could stay the night because she's sick. Of course I said yes. After our camping trip this week (going Monday thru Wednesday ) we're going to have to talk about the seperation, and how she can't have both her space, and still have the family thing whenever she wants it. She going to have to actually move out at some point.
Anyway, the point is, I get where your coming from, and you have my sympathy. Good thoughts coming to you.

She called me last night to talk about my sons recent revaluation, he has been getting service for over a year now as he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. The re eval, he is no longer diagnosed.. I said to her, we did good, I am proud of him, and I am proud of us, we took it head on and got him help early... She thanked me for being such a good father... I thanked her for saying that, but also said, im a good father bcause of you... I strived for the best for my family including her, its all i always wanted. and be cause of her and the kids, it made me who I am today... She thanked me, and that was really it... I was kinda torn with emotions, teared up with joy over my sons progress, but sad that i now share this joy alone... My family apart, and my wife distant. Its pain that i dont feel will ever go away...

Great news about your son! You must be very happy about that!

Didn't you start a new job? How's that going for you? How was the time you spent at your friend's?

Thank you... I didn't start a new job, but started in a new office. Its going well, but the commute is a huge change for me.. I had a 10 min commute, now i have an hour and 10 without traffic. If I leave the wrong time it could take 2 and a half hours. This also is now causing another issue with my marriage or lack of. I now have to leave 5 am, and me having the kids those days is difficult, the nanny has come by once or twice, and my wife has once or twice as well, but thats not something i see happening over the long run. Its not far to the nanny, and my wife im sure wont want to continue it nor should i be seeing her in the mornings like that. but the alternative is less time with my kids so i really dont know what i can do about this. But im still not in a good place.. i miss her alot, and am reminded by her frequently. This new office on wed's has an amish farmers market, my first thought when i see it is what can i pick up and take home to my wife, she loves the fresh foods and baked goods that they sell. I dont buy anything and dont bring anything home, but just the thought is enough to hurt. Im feeling extremly lonely, both phsyically and emotionally, i no longer really know if its missing her, or missing someone... but she is the one on my mind always. I pray every night i go to bed for the strenght.... This is a rough time of year for me... June 27th is the anniversary of my mom passing away, its been 31 years but still a void in my life. I wish she was her as i feel i need her now more then ever.. A picture of my wife and I was just posted on FB by a friend. It was from a wedding back in OCT. A coworker of mine asked me about it and said we looked so in love... I teared up, cause i was and still am. I dont even know what to say to people... I avoid the topic when i can. I just can't even believe this is happening to me... I wish i could go back in time.

Hi ESL12, When I read your post and the following comments and then your comments. I started to wonder if your wife has any past history with these type of emotional explosion drama situations...? Sometimes people threaten divorce to get the person to change....or just because they are having strong reactions or a breakdown...it is only 1 of a million possibilities also evoked by our friends on this site.. but thought I would chime in as I did this to my husband. I feel ashamed now of course...

Thanks Kristen. In the 11 years we were together she never had anything like this happen. However. Prior to me she was with a guy for 4 years that she ultimately left by moving out while he was away. The difference though is that he was abusive and on drugs. I am far from that.


Today is a hard day for me. 31 years ago today my mother passed away. I always think of her but today I've never wished she was here more then now. My wife always filled that void of love and family and days like this although upsetting I was able to find comfort. I wish they were both here. I miss them both more then words can describe.

Well, its been a while since I last posted here... haven't heard much from anyone either probably sick of dealing with me anyway... ;o)

but, ive had ups and downs the last week or two, Id love to come here and say im feeling great, and letting go and moving on... but that would be a lie. Although in general ive forced myself to go out more and while im out i seem to do better, but I still come home and wish she was there. This weekend was tough... I had the kids till sat evening, she came to pick them up and saying good bye to them I started to cry, my first 4th of july without my family, and it was hard for me. She saw me cry even though i tried to hide it.. I could see in her face she was upset that i was hurting, but she didn't say anything.. I didn't expect her to really... She left, i cried a few minutes then picked myself up and headed out to a friends. I slept there till this morning then came to work. I haven't even really talked to her in a week... I sent one email, again expressing my love and what i miss, basically begging, i know i shouldn't have, i did, and it was stupid, but i couldn't stop myself.. I got no response from her either which again was expected. She texted me yesterday, just telling me how proud she was of our sone climbing a rock wall on his own... Not sure why she sent it, i responded simply saying, he is fearless and determined. she wrote back, Love it. and that was it. Kinda hurt just knowing things in my kids lives that im missing now. even the small little things like climbing a rockwall for the first time. I still maintain my feelings for her, I love her, I miss her alot, but I think im slowly starting to realize there is nothing i can do with those feelings... At this point those feelings wont bring her back, they will only keep me from moving forward... I dont think ill be able to move forward for a while, my love for her is really strong, she really was everything to me, thats not something i think i can put aside quickly... im also not really willing to give up, but i think i am slowly able to take a beak from it all. ill still have hope, ill still love her and miss her greatly... but I dont think ill do much about it other then wait it out and try to do things on my own. My friends are all busy with there own families.. its hard to hang out often, and i was very friendly with alot of her friends that I just haven't talked to for months. I still pray at night going to bed that she will snap out of this... thats about all i can do now. I still cry at times, im lonely and still feel id do anything to have her back. I dont know how to shake those feelings. The longer she is gone, the more I realize how much i really miss her... maybe i haven't hit bottom yet? I dont know. I guess one day, one way or the other ill be able to move on... I just dont feel it right now..

Not sure why she sent you a text about your son....I can tell you why! She is doing her best to co-parent and keep you involved with your children's lives. There are plenty of divorced parents that would love this from the other parent instead of excluding them from everything.
Remember what is important now is your children.

There is nothing more important then my kids. But telling me something like that does nothing for them. All they know is that I wasn't there. Her texting me is either self serving her or an attempt to keep me connected? All I see is another joyful moment that I wasn't there to see and hug my son. Maybe I'm being an asshole here. I don't know. But how does this serve any purpose to my kids? They don't even know what texting is and in sure they have no idea she told me they are to young to understand that. But they aren't to young to see and know I wasn't there. That hurts and kills me to know all the moments I miss when they are with her. I want to be an everyday dad not a part time dad.