Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
ESL12
ESL12
im having a really bad day... Been crying all morning, I miss her so much... Ive lost everything... I dont want to live right now...
brittany8
brittany8
ESL.... you are at the worse now. It does not feel like it right now, but things will get better. When I was where you were, I hated when people would tell me that. But I learned that it does. Life goes on, and you have children that are going to need you there for them to also deal with this. I use to go to work, and everyday, have to shut my door 10 times a day and cry. Then after a week maby it was only 5 times a day. After another week, maby only 2. Then when I saw that I got through a whole day, I realized that was a small victory for me..... Hang in there for your children.

Best of luck to you
pinkrose28
pinkrose28
Are you in therapy?
ESL12
ESL12
I am in therapy... but each day i seem to miss more of her... she was my best friend, and now we hardly even speak. I just want my life back...
brittany8
brittany8
I understand what you want. I wanted the same thing when my husband left. But after I picked myself up, and proved to myself that I was strong enough to move on, I felt so much better. It did take a while. Months and months, and I still have some bad days. You will not feel better over night or in a week or a month. It is a slow process. You just have to take minute at a time.
pinkrose28
pinkrose28
I know how you feel sometimes in therapy you can vent your feelings or say how you are doing but it cant totally take the pain away. I think the biggest thing that may help you is setting boundaries despite the pain it may leave you with. Of course you feel she is a good mother and you want to send her flowers on mothers day but this is an example of something that you can control. You can still feel all the wonderful things about her and think things for now without the action associated with it. Going out of your way to do something extra only entangles your feelings more. Even if you don't see it now, you heart gets more attached with each gesture and deep down the hope grows stronger that something you did will in return result in a positive result. I don't think it sounds like she wants to work on this marriage anymore. I think when she talks to you or asks how you are doing it is more so guilt on her part and in addition she wants you to be OKAY because you are the father of her kids. Of course she wants you to be able to get your life back on track again but I think she wants it done without her in it.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
I just want to know how you still love her. I do understand missing someone but loving someone who is hurting you....what is your reasoning? I have my own reasoning for loving someone long after i knew it would most likely end, enduring so much disrespect that I had to rebuild myself and that is because for one reason only...,i need love to heal but all this love you have been directing at her should be focused on you at this point because I think you might not know how to love yourself and I may be wrong and i know you are going through grief but you have to focus loving yourself and paying attention to your value because your value isn't determined by her. Be kind to yourself. Hugs and take care.
ESL12
ESL12
I love her because of our 10 years, the person i know she is, and the life we shared, we were perfect in everyway, everyone that knows us is shocked by this, everyone has said the same thing, we were a well oiled machine, the best couple they ever knew... its the same way i felt and feel, I can't understand any of this... and i feel like my pain is only getting worse as these days go on... I cried all day today, I just miss her... im so lost...
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Just remember how much she hurt you. Don't forget this. Eventually you'll get to a place where you wouldn't take her back for all the tea in China. Someone who hurts you this bad is not worth it.
sja
sja
I think Charliegirl makes a really good point.

Eventually you are going to hit a point where you are going to have to make the decision to love yourself more and turn your energy towards healing. I know right it is unimaginable, but eventually you are going to get so pissed that it is going to be like, "screw you" and you are really going to focus on yourself.

No one here doubts your love for her, and no one doubts how much you miss her and are sad for the situation. I think what frustrates me the most about this situation is you are not getting pissed. In 5 months since she told you she wanted to separate, you have been stuck in the same place-loving her, missing her, wanting her. You do have to try to start moving on, otherwise you are going to stay stuck. Everyone of us has that one person, that one breakup that still stays in our hearts and we never seem to "get over', but we all eventually had to make the decision to become unstuck. I don't want to see you stuck forever, ESL, but I am afraid on the other hand that you may. You have to make the decision to move on. None of us can do it for you. You can stay stuck, or you can get better and realize that there are a million other women on this earth who would want you. Right now you don't want anyone else, and we all understand that, but eventually you WILL get to a point where you want a companion. Please, try. Please make that decision to start moving on.
refurb
refurb
Do you any family, a brother that can throw a big bucket of cold water on you?
I've been where you are, you can't stay there, you will until you change how you feel, START, by viewing the reality of now with no emotional tint, as if you were reading a story about someone else,

You might see that the wife character is not a good person now,

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charliegirl29
charliegirl29
The other thing is your well oiled marriage may have mostly been done by you and especially since it sounds like she all of a sudden decided without telling you something was wrong. I understand that you were blindsided by her decision because she most likely did not express her issues with you and so you had no time to prepare for it and now its all come at once and overwhelmed you. I am just guessing but I am afraid you will suddenly get angry and it will be overwhelming as well so if you dont mind me recommending each day you express why you wish your wife had not done this either in writing or to yourself then I would feel better because it would mean you would not be overcome with anger later. Its just a suggestion and maybe they do this in therapy with you but I just thought it might help :-)
ESL12
ESL12
I get it... i really do, I know I have to let go, I know i have to get angry and hate her, its hard for me, im not built that way, and i am in love with her, I know sooner or later ill probably get there, especially as i loose more time with my kids, ill start to resent her, i know im not there yet, i dont really know if i can just flip that switch, my heart is still with her, and until that goes cold, ill want her, and miss her, and pray she comes home.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
sorry, I do not mean to imply to flip a switch. It is just that I have been around those who have not acknowledged someone hurts them and it became a s*** storm later so I just recommend that if anyone is in denial about it to acknowledge it because it can really become an issue later. Its all done in your time of course and at your will as it is merely a suggestion. Best wishes in your healing.
Missy73
Missy73
I don't think you need to hate her but you do need stop telling yourself that you're in love with her. You're just perpetuating your own pain. Have you ever fallen in love with a stranger before? That is what your wife is now - a stranger inhabiting the body of the woman you loved. She can't articulate why she left. She feels "drawn" to another man. She's impervious to your pain. Presumably these are not things that made you fall in love. You love the woman she used to be which is perfectly understandable. The fact that other people think you had a perfect marriage is irrelevant. Your partner didn't feel that way. Until you stop idealizing both your wife and your relationship you're not going to heal.