Just to reiterate why you need a new strategy & must quit the begging & crying...

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

Thank you, all, I just want to clarify one or two things.. One... My thoughts on not giving up did not mean for me to take action, calling, texting emailing etc... My thoughts are steaming from my feelings, that the longer this has gone on the more i have missed her, and the more ive loved her ( no idea why, but just how i feel ). Because of this, I am not ready to move on or give up. I will do what is necessary to give her what she wants in as far a manor posisble. As far as me not hearing her... I have, and I do listen. She has a pattern too.... on a few occasions i have said to her its best we dont talk. I wont email, i wont text, i wont call... ironically with in a day or two, i get a text of email... The last email was finally an email detailing WHY she wasn't happy. I read it several times, and each time i was just shocked... most of the things in there she has twisted in her head, Several years ago i had pimples on my private area... doc said it was scabies... I asked what that was he said typically sexually transmitted but can also come from public bathrooms etc... I was shocked... i immediatly told my wife, at the time she was ok with it, she understood and nothing was wrong... 4 years later she is convinced i had an affair.... i have not, would not, and am disgusted she would think that... She referenced me being negative about her family... I love her family, and my only furstration with them was shared with her, she would complain about her mom for something and I agreed with her taking her side... She clearly stated that she knows she didn't communicate, and she knows she hardbord feelings, but then stated she felt ignored and not heard... What am I supposed to hear if your harboring feelings and not communicating? Now please... im not trying to blame her, I know ive made mistakes, especially the way ive handle this seperattion\divorce... the blame is shared, and to be honest mostly steams from miss communication. But even when i try to give her that space, she comes back in to start more talk... Its also during these times that she reaches out to my sister or father, and has talked with them... She wants space, and when its given, she steps back in... Maybe i should ignore her, but ive struggle with that. Have i cried yes, have i begged yes... but ive also tried to respect her space, respect her wishes the best i can. I have gone days and weeks without texting or calling. At one time she texted me a few things, I didn't respond... she eventually texted and emailed asking if I was getting her texts or am i ignoring her. Again, she wants space but walks back in. im not perfect, am i needy... probably at the moment i am, I am feeling abandoned, I am feeling alone, I am feeling like ive failed my wife, my kids, our families. I feel un wanted and i feel powerless. So yeah, maybe im seeking acceptance somewhere, I dont know. Im aware its over, im aware she has walked out, and I am aware its her decision and its final... I can't force her nor do I want to... Is it selfish of me to tell her how much i love her, how much i want our family? This whole time has been all about her and what she wants... even at the expense of our kids. if me telling her i love her is my only selfish act, so be it. Its my feelings and i can't hide them. im not calling or texting or emailing her, but i am also not willing to give up on hope that in time things may change...

I have theory why you "the longer this goes on the more you have missed her and the more you have loved her". This isnt about her. It's actually about you. I have been to therapist about abandoment issues and what i see happening in your case is when she leaves "your inner child" takes over and anyone can tell you to get a pair but it really isn't that simple. Its actually extremely difficult to work through abandoment issues because you have to be aware of "why you feel a certain way" and rejection is a big trigger. My theory is you need to find a way to comfort your inner child and work on self love because he relationship is self defeating between you both is self defeating and it becomes full circle. The only way you resolve the issue is to come to peace with your inner child and make sure the inner child knows love and feels respected and valued before you go looking for this from another person. How do you do this? You can either research it or get it from your therapist. But you have to make peace with your inner child. Ill even give an example. I was left on the side of the road by my father. I was left to figure out if he would come back for all of us or just leave us to walk and he just did it because he got angry at something. This is just one of the many things that caused my abandoment issues. But you have to go back and take yourself out of whatever the situation was and console yourself and make peace with it and understand you are worthy of love. Im sorry to intrude on your thread but I figured it wouldn't hurt to try to give you tools to help yourself even if you are in therapy. Because believe me its a bitch to work through all the freaking mess you didn't ask for in the first place and you probably are not extremely aware of where the emotions originate but i could be wrong about that. But i do think you are keeping an open heart which is extremely important to healing.

Charlie, you are right when saying I dont really fully understand where my feelings are coming from... my head questions it all the time.. How could I be so in love with someone that is leaving me, or essentially abandoning me. I also sometimes question maybe its not even love? Maybe i dont even know what love is? I thought I did. i still feel in my heart that I love her... but is it my head or heart that is lieing to me? I haven't talked to my therapist specifically about abandonment issues, but I have mentioned to her i feel abandoned. Not sure if thats something she would pick up on or not. regardless... even though this thread has been going on for 6 months... The reality is it was only 2 months ago things were getting better for a few weeks, she realized what famly was, she said she loved me etc... until then we were sitll in the same house... she only moved out 2 months ago... I feel like that is really when i became broken. Not an excuse, things were up and down the months prior, I was a mess. But now im having feelings of failure, feelings of abandonment, confusion, and miss her even more. I know it probably sounds crazy to most... maybe i am... I am trying, I am seeking help in therapy. Her mom called me today, i cried again and told her I am so sorry... she said i shouldn't be... I said i promised you a long time ago i would always take care of your daughter, she said dont be sorry, I know you did and would, she just wont let you. Hearing that didn't change how i feel, I feel like i failed my wife, my kids and her family... even though they say otherwise, my heart still feels i failed. I can't understand it, and I can't completly locate my feelings but they are there.

ESL, one quick comment about something you wrote:

"My thoughts are steaming from my feelings, that the longer this has gone on the more i have missed her, and the more ive loved her ( no idea why, but just how i feel )."

We want what we can't have. Basic human nature. You can have ice cream sitting in the freezer for a week and barely touch it, then your SO eats it all and suddenly you're annoyed b/c you wanted it! Stupid example, but maybe it gets the point across.

You are also putting her on a sky high pedestal. She is at her most attractive because she is confident, calling the shots, dating new guy(s), etc. While you are at your lowest. I know, I feel the same way. But this current her is a bit of an illusion; just a temporary high. And the current you can be overcome, improved, built back up.

Allowing yourself to continue to love and pine for her, even if you don't act on it, is just so unhealthy. That's why everyone here is trying reason, tough love, etc. You will remain stuck, and suffer more than is necessary.

The longer she's gone, the more you miss her & naturally the more hurt & lonely you feel... so you misinterpret this as additional feelings of needing & loving her more than ever before... whereas I think Charlie nailed it perfectly with her description of abandonment issues etc.

You assume that getting back together will ease your pain. Well it might ease yours somewhat, but I doubt it'll ease hers.

Are you aware if she's involved with another guy? All the signs are there that she probably is. Usually when people start listing mediocre excuses for leaving - they're normally conveniently leaving out the real reason - they've fallen for someone else.

Would there be any benefit to her lying or hiding the fact that she's already involved with someone else? From a legal perspective? I am not familiar with US divorce laws.

Have you confronted he about this pattern of asking for space etc then he actually being the one to initiate contact with you? Have you told her that she can't have her cake & eat it?

Also, have you considered if you got the scabies from her?

so a few things... I am not aware if she is with someone else, i do suspect that she has an emotional attachment elsewhere but nothing else... doesn't mean its not more, but from what info i do know and gathered on my own there hasn't been. She never had them, so it wasn't from her, it had to be from a public place that i touched at some point, it can live off the body for up to 48 hours on any surface. Your 100% right that getting back together may ease me and not her, or not even me. However at this point, im not looking to get back together, im not looking for her to move home tomorrow. what i was hoping for was a chance, to actually go to therapy together, discuss issues and attempt to work on them... To set a possible goal of restoring our marriage, to say we actually gave it a try. We never know what may happen if we tried. Alot of what she thinks or feels is miss understandings or poor communication either on her part or mine or both. im not gonna say ive made no mistakes, but i certianly haven't done anything to warrant a divorce. Like cheated or beat or drugs etc... In NY there is no need to give a reason for divorce, we have no fault here and there are no guidlines to length of seperation or therapy etc. Doesn't matter if her or I had an affair it would have no impact. The only thing that would matter is custody of the kids, 90% of the time it goes to the mother unless I could prove she was on drugs or an alcholic, she isn't on either. I havnt specifically confronted her on the space and then her reaching out.. I have however said to her everything can't be her way... Today i spoke to her and flat out told her, I can't see of speak to you, It hurts me to much and I can't do it anymore. I told her I want the schedule with the kids to be set days and times, and that i prefer as much as possible for them to be dropped off with the nanny, so I wouldn't have to see her. I also said that if we agree on a time, it doesn't mean an hour before or an hour later, and that no more i know its your day but my mom wants to take the kids out blah blah blah.. My days are my days period. The only thing that should allow day changes is our careers and if there is a business need to change days. Our careers will provide for our children, not a dinner with her mom. i lastly said to her that i am willing to go to therapy to work on our relationship.. not marriage and use that as our only forum to discuss us. At the end of the day i have to have some form of relationship with her for the rest of my life. I ended it by saying, I am sorry that I am so in love with you and i really have no idea how not to be, so for both of us I just can't speak or see you for a while if ever. her response was... " you will get through this, but it will not work if you try to put your foot down with me. we can work together for the sake of our kids, we are 2 normal people" I did not respond to that. but goes to show you have she is high on her power trip and thinks everything will be her way. It will get ugly if she doesn't attempt to be cognizant of my feelings.. if we agree on 5 pm drop off and 6 pm comes around, i wont be home to take them.. she can have her night out ruined, I am not going to get walked on anymore. I love her and I miss her, but im trying to respect myself...

Fantastic that you are thinking about your self- respect. Keep it up! Self-respect is everything in these situations.

You should be proud that on this occasion you communicated your very reasonable expectations with respect & dignity - whereas her response was quite intriguing that she defensively interpreted it as you "trying to put your foot down". It's like on your original post where you say she felt "under your thumb."
It would be intriguing to know both your MBTI personality types - perhaps these miscommunications & misinterpretations stem from you & your wife having very different styles of communication.

Ah, so she doesn't like having boundaries set. Too bad. She wants a divorce so that means she doesn't get to run your show anymore. It won't work for HER if you put your foot down. Well, guess what? It won't work for YOU if you don't!

I'm not so sure everything has been a miscommunication. Perhaps she has filtered some things to make herself feel better. Some people believe their own spin.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

writing here today what i felt like writing to my wife... trying to be strong, but already feeling an emotional day.... " I can't get you out of my mind, Im not sure what to do about that. I think about you all the time. I miss you alot. I guess I just wanted to say good morning. I know you have a big day today. good luck"

I can't shake this feeling of emptyness... I miss so much about her. I wish I could just get angry and move on, I wish i wasn't reminded of her by so many things. Im tired of crying. im tired of this pain. I wish I didn't love her so much. I just can't seem to get my head right. I really just dont know what to do. Today is my first day in my new office, my first day of a long commute and all it did was give me more time to be alone and think. My thoughts are all of her. How I wished id wake up on a morning like this to see her sound asleep, tip toe around our room to get dressed so I wouldn't wake her... The light kiss on her forehead and lips before i left the house. Those little things I cherished. I want those things back... Id die for them. Sad thing is i feel like part of me has died, and i just want to revive it. I hope this pain goes away soon, i really am not sure how much more of this i can take. ;o(

Your pain is not going to go away until you start taking the steps to heal. We have all been in your shoes. We have all felt the way you do, the difference is, we all at one point decided we didn't want to feel like that anymore and did something about it. I don't know if you are just not ready or a glutton for punishment or what, but as long as you keep reliving everything, rehashing it with her family and telling yourself how wonderful your marriage was, how much you love your wife, how perfect your family was, you are going to stay in pain. You have been told this over and over. You are obsessing about it, maybe it is time you consider seeing a psychiatrist about medication. It may help you move on in the healing process.

I am seeing a therapist and am on medication... Im not sure what im expected to do? How do I not think of her when something reminds me of her? How do I shut that off? Sure i can do things to keep myself occupied, and that works while im occupied... but i can't do that 24/7... So how can I shut it all off?

You knock her off that damn pedestal you have her on. Stop reliving the "greatness" of her and start looking at the shit. She's the one who put you in this position. She's the one who wants out. She's the one who's decided your not worth it. She lied to you about how she felt about the relationship. Stop saying you had this great, perfect marriage. If she wants out, then you obviously didn't in her eyes. Remove the fantasy of what it was, and look at what it is now. Take off those rose colored glasses and smash them to shreds! You can never go back, and really, if she came back tomorrow to work things out, they would never be the same, ever. How could you ever trust her again? She destroyed you once, do you trust she'd never do it again? I wouldn't! Have you read any other posts on here besides yours? There are a few other people on here who have taken back their ex, only to be destroyed again! Maybe rather than focusing on your situation, start reading others. There are others on here who are going through the same thing or worse and they have taken the time to read your story and offer you support and advice, some repeatedly. I haven't seen you commented on one single other persons story. You have not offered support unless it is in this thread. Helping someone else, offering advice to another, or just reading their story may help you see where you are failing and their succeeding, and it may help you to feel better. You do anything and everything you can to get in your head she's a bitch that hurt you, and you don't need her or her crap, lies, etc. Why on God's green earth would you want someone who has thrown you and your relationship out as if it was no better than garbage!

ESL..... Sja is right on point. If you are struggling that much, you need to see a doctor. I promise you we have all been right where you are. I went to work, and layed in a bed and cried for 4 months. Lost 25 pounds. It is something you are going to have to go through, unless you want to fell like this forever. When I went through the grieving process, and got back on my feet, is when my husband started to miss me, and was curious. Our relationship would never be the same, but he saw that I happy and OK. I still have bad days. He now has terminal cancer, and I have had a hard time accepting that. But I will never be that girl that doesn't want to get out of bed again. I have become bitter to some degree, but that little chip on my shoulder has helped me through this. Please... for your own sanity, get it together. You will never get through this if you don't.


Best of luck to you

Over 730 comments on this thread and there is still NO progress. You're still saying the same crap over and over and OVER again.
I really feel bad for you and sincerely hope you move on. You and I had an eerily similar situation when we both joined this group in January. As I result, I found some comfort reading your posts, as I was able to relate. Now, not so much. I used this forum to vent, ask for advice and for the most part followed the advice I was given, which helped tremendously. I honestly feel I wouldn't be in as good of a place emotionally if it wasn't for the people here.
Is it possible your desire for attention and fear of abandonment is spilling over to this forum? Is the attention you're getting here making you feel like you're wanted and is being used to ease your pain of abandonment? Just curious.