I'd walk righ out the door the moment she walked in. But your all right. She is dropping the kids off soon and I'm already anxious. I just don't even know what to say or do. I'm crying already just thinking about it.

How did you hold up for the drop off?

Did you set a time for the talk - for her to tell you some things, or did you cancel that?

It wasn't great... She came in and i focused on the kids.. she asked me if i was around this weekend to talk... I said, if its the same conversation, " Im sorry I dont love you" then i really dont want to talk... she said its not, she wants to talk about finances and our relationship.. I said, so you really want a divorce? She said yes.. I said, I dont undertand any of this.. you haven't given us time... By this point i started to tear up... my daughter put her hand over my mouth.. and my wife said we shouldn't talk about this now, we will talk this weekend... Since then we have texted a bit, but again the same old crap, for me to accept its over.. I asked why she is so convinced our family isn't worth trying.. she said, My family is worth everything, so i then said then why not give us that chance.. this is our family. she wrote back saying, Yes and our family deserve for me to be happy, can you see that... our family deserves for you to be too. I said of course, we all deserve to be happy, but why can't we find that together...why do you feel its impossible. I then said, Do you think you can help me understand this... she said, yes, i can try, I have therapy tonight and need to talk it out, then we can either talk on sunday like we planned on saturday....

Honestly.. nothing good will come from this.. im devistated and crushed, she thinks im sick and not well because im crying so much, that i need to start fixing myself... yeah, she is right i need to focus on myself more, but i am still in love with her and want my family... im not allowed to be upset by that?

"" she wrote back saying, Yes and our family deserve for me to be happy, can you see that... ""

Yup..it's all about HER and HER happiness. No surprise there.

ESL there's nothing that she can say that's going to make you understand. She's been trying to explain her position for months. At the end of the day, does it even matter? She is ending your marriage. My concern is that rehashing this issue is just going to cause you more pain. It seems to me that you need to focus on how to resolve the outstanding issues quickly and in the least painful way possible.

To me the concerning part of your post is that she questioning if you're well. That's a big red flag. That has custody and visitation issues, especially given that your job is shifting to New Jersey. If her attorney is worth a salt, s/he will ask the court for a psychological evaluation and supervised visitation if your mental health is in question. I don't mean to be harsh but it's time to save your tears for your pillow. You must stop crying and begging this woman. You need to show her that you are strong, capable and confident without her. You lost your wife but you can get another one. Your children can't be replaced. Do not be so blinded by your love for this woman that you let it impact your rights to your children.

Great points Missy...

ESL, Missy has some really good points. It is now time to get your back up and start accepting the inevitable, deal with the reality and stop begging. It is only going to turn out to hurt you in the long run. I didn't even think about the aspect of custody and visitation and how your current emotional state could effect that. She's saying it is all about her being happy, and your are crying and only want you to be happy, and the sad, terrible fact is, you two are not going to be together and happy. She doesn't want that. I'm sorry this hurts so much. I'm so sorry, but think of your kids. Your are so focused on her and wanting her back, that you are not focusing on what time you get with him. Maybe you need a mediator to deal with each other, but you need to stop asking the same questions over and over and expecting a different answer. Some say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. You need to just stop. Honestly, if I was your STBX, I would feel very put out by this point. There is really nothing else she can say to you that is going to make you feel better. Redirect your focus from her to your kids and yourself. The sooner you start doing that, the better you are going to feel.

ESL... Missy is spot on. If your mental state is in question, then that affects your children. It's Ok to cry, but not in front of her or your children. Excuse yourself to the bathroom if you need to for a minute.

The thing is... she is basing that statment on me being upset, and talking to her family and even some of mine... She doesn't see me cry infront of the kids even if I do, she isn't around for that, and truthfully, yes i have cried in front of them, but not often, i do hide it most of the time, sometimes i can't but i do try to. She hasn't given me any answers, yes, she says she wants divorce, because she isn't happy... well ok.. what are you not happy about? I deserve to know.. i deserved to know long ago when something could have been done about it... Her response is, it doesn't matter... Well yes it does, for one, maybe it will give me some closure, and two.. maybe it will help me in a future relationship... regradless of that, she said to me today, while she was crying, that she had 4 tickets to a baseball game for this sunday.. she wanted to have all 4 of us go, but didn't ask me because she felt i would take that as hope.... really? Why would she even want me there? She wants a divorce but be a family, that isn't how it works... and besides, i am now taking the kids that same day to my sisters birthday, so she has to give the tickets away... Today, I got angry, I sent her a long text..

" Im sick if this sh1t.. You dont get to destroy our family and not tell me why.. Just saying your not happy isn't an answer. If you even once stopped to communicate to me any of your unhappiness with me it would have been correct long ago. Your unhappiness is just as much your fault as it may be mine. I deserve to know.. truthfully i deserved to know a long time ago and should have been given the chance then. This isn't normal, you insist on me being the unstable one. As upset and hurt that I am 3 therapist have told me im the most grounded person they have ever counseled, that anyone with a heart would feel the way i do. Im not sick, im not a danger to my kids. Im hurt and inlove with someone that is giveing up on me and a family.. thats not normal, thats not fair to me or our kids. Its not healthy and in the long run its a huge mistake " She didn't respond... after a bit i texted again saying.. " ignore me.. thanks" She responded " IM WORKING" i responded " YEP" ...

She could respond, yeah she is working, but she has plenty of time if she wanted to.... Im angry.. Knowing me it wont last long.. but im angry.. and hopefully i can build of this.

It's great that you're finally getting angry. You are absolutely right to lay some of the blame at her feet. The problem with seeking closure from her is that she can't really give it to you. You're going to get an answer based on her revisionist history, not the objective truth. At one point I insisted that my husband give me a reason for dumping me after I'd moved to a foreign country to be with him. He told me that two years earlier he had mentioned that I was sarcastic. I felt like I wanted to shove him off a cliff, not like I'd received closure. With respect to the baseball game, it's not surprising that she wants to go out as a family for the afternoon. We're talking about light-hearted fun that makes her feel less guilty about destroying her family.

ESL if you go back and reread your prior posts, there have been countless times when you were upset in your wife's presence whether or not the children were there. That is not good when custody and visitation may be at issue. She is filing for divorce. She is now your adversary. Anything you do can and will be held against you. Emails and texts need to be limited to discussions regarding your children. Texts like the one you sent today can be used as evidence. You view it as finally expressing your feelings while she can use it to claim you were harassing her at work and use it to seek a restraining order. No more commiserating with her family. If you had a hearing, who do you think she would call as witnesses to your emotional instability? You mention seeing three therapists. Her attorney will accuse you of forum shopping. Obviously I'm not saying these things will happen but these are the risks you're taking by insisting on contact with her. Instead of texting her, call your attorney. Maybe s/he thinks it's better strategy to file first since your wife insists on a divorce.

you said:
"She hasn't given me any answers, yes, she says she wants divorce, because she isn't happy... well ok.. what are you not happy about? I deserve to know.. i deserved to know long ago when something could have been done about it... Her response is, it doesn't matter... "

While I understand how you feel, and most of us understand how you feel, the thing is, she has a point. It doesn't matter.

The reason it doesn't matter is that she HAS made her decision.
Is it fair? NO
Does it hurt? YES
But, be that as it may, she HAS decided. She doesn't want to fix it, she doesn't want to try. So, maybe she doesn't want to tell you the reason b/c it would hurt you. Maybe she doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want you to try to fix it.

Sometimes people fall out of love. Sometimes it is for good reason, sometimes not. But, when someone no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, nothing you can do can change that. Nothing. All you can do is try to move on. Again, I'm not saying it is right or fair.

But you cannot make her tell you her reasoning. You cannot change her decision. She's making that very clear. As hard as t is, you have to accept that. Her telling you what made her want to leave will not make you feel better. She can't help you with your healing. It's not possible for someone who couldn't live up to their duties as a mate to give you what you need for healing now, it doesn't work that way. Closure comes when you can accept that things have changed. Not from her telling you why she decided. Because in all reality, you are in the bargaining stage of grief, where any reason she gives you is only going to make you think, "Oh, okay, I can fix that." She doesnt want to fix it. It sucks, I know. But it its what it is.

She may not have a clue herself as to "why". It doesn't matter in the long run because anybody who you decide you love has to love and accept you as who you are and you do the same for them. Her reasoning for why does not matter because you have to make sense of the loss. When you are asking why...you are bargaining. I knew you would start getting pissed but i personally didn't expect it until
later because you are holding on so tight. I think the frustration and anger mostly come from you not being able to voice yourself and work is the only time the kids aren't around so you can have a heart to heart.Would it hurt to have a heart to heart.....schedule parents or nanny to watch the kids because you do have emotional needs and they are being overlooked and have been overlooked by what I have seen in your post. Try to be gentle with yourself and take care.

I know this is hard to hear, and we all want a concrete answer and a step by step explanation as to why someone is leaving but the truth is sometimes people don't have any real reason and they actually can just fall out of love. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong its just that her feelings changed over time. From everything you have said it doesn't sound like she hates you or thinks your a bad person if anything she wants you to find happiness and be okay and maybe even find love someday again also. Do you want someone to stick it out and stay in a marriage with you if their feelings have changed and they aren't in love anymore? Yes im sure you are very angry at her and yes you wish she would take the time to see if there is anything left in this marriage but she has the right to also find happiness and she could have started seeing someone while she was with you and behind your back like many people seem to, but she did at least realize this wasn't working and made the choice independent of meeting anyone else. Trust me the hurt that would have come from that would be awful. If she is sure in her heart she is not in love anymore, and doesn't see it happening again for her, well I think she is doing you a favor by leaving. That may not make sense right now, but do you want your kids being raised in a home where their mom is cold and distant to their father and her unhappiness is shown all over her face ? your kids are young but soon will pick up on that. People think divorce is the worst thing that can happen to children but I think having two parents who are unhappy and miserable and having that energy around the children is so much worse. being alone is not as bad as being with someone who makes you feel alone. I think your wife needs to explore her own life for a while and the more you cling on the more you will loose her even on a friendly level.

No matter what happened in this marriage you have 2 wonderful kids from this. People who look up to you and who love you so much. People who need you and need you to put them first. Don't allow your sadness and emotions to cause her to do something drastic like limit your visitations with the kids. You can still love your wife and miss her but those are things you don't need to repeat to her or remind her of. At this point all conversations should be focused on finances and the children. I know you miss her you want her to try but every time you bring this up she will shut you down and hurt you once more because she is 100% set in her choices. Changing her mind will be like moving a brick building and once again you have to ask yourself do you want someone to stay with you because there was guilt involved? if it isn't genuine then that isn't really love anyways.

Maybe start a journal blog of things you want to say to her daily but instead of saying them to her, write them in the journal so you can get out what you need to but without her involved in it .

I'm experiencing something similar. My wife and I had our first child, and everything was great. About a year later I could see her getting more and more distant. It started with no kisses goodbye, then no kisses goodnight. Followed by little conversation, eventually she was glued to her iPad and phone at night when we used to talk in bed. One morning I walked up behind her texting some guy that he "looked yummy". I asked what she was doing and she blew it off as a joke but wouldn't let me see the conversation. By this point she was becoming an insomniac, and feel asleep after lunch. I couldn't help but grab her phone to see what this was all about. I discovered these 2 had exchanged texts hundreds of times a day for months. I gave her a second chance for our sons sake, and she said she terminated their relationship. There was some effort from her for a couple of months, and then one day I could tell by looking in her eyes there was no love left for me in her anymore. What had I done? I'm a great dad, i hadn't changed. This other guy made her feel excitement and love thru their communication (he is married with kids too). Even after it was over she couldn't love me again. I've never seen her so cold. You would think I abused or threatened her verbally or physically or something to warrant this lack of anything. If she felt any guilt it never showed. How could one break the trust of our relationship and not even care. Next she started complaining about me. Any little thing. It was her way of justifying her behavior and not feel guilty. This past week she asked me to clean her phone before she mailed it back to her previous employer. I discovered a naked selfie picture she sent to someone. I don't know who. She was smart enough to delete the messages, but didn't realize the messaging app keeps all pics sent in a sent folder. At this point it doesn't even matter who. She tried to play it off as to not know anything about it, and I was crazy. She immediately went to bed, and was snoring in 5 mins. What kind of person could hurt their life partner so bad, and fall asleep immediately and feel zero guilt? I would feel terrible to do that to someone for a long time. Especially my spouse. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and filled out a divorce petition for us to get started. I don't know what happened to her. She's just not the same person mentally. Something happened inside her head.. I can't make her love me, and even if I could I would never trust her again. She said she's fine with the divorce, but asked if I still wanted to go on our family vacation that was planned for next week. I was dumbfounded again by that one.

Wow Lamar, wow!! Your stbx is JUST like mine!! Same addiction to social media - hundreds of texts per day. Same denial/lying. Same cold look in her eyes - just somehow wrote me off or demonized me to justify her own selfish behavior.

Same lack of guilt. Same ability to fall asleep instantly while I lie awake all night. Same INABILITY to see how all this might affect me - when I told her that I need to move out recently, she said "I don't see what the big problem is?" Really!! How about you cheating on me with 5+ guys over 2+ years!! Is that a problem?!

Yes, somehow she is capable of doing all this to her "partner" and still sleeps soundly at night. I can't fathom it. I just call her the biggest mistake of my life.