Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
I guess if this was true, iit may be a bit beyond the "shock", despair and overwhleming heart break hurting phase, but since it was just about a month ago, when she spent a good two week plus with a change or attitude, inviting him in to showers, telling him she loves him, laying in bed with him and so on, to me, its understandable. The bandaid was ripped back off after she led him to believe things may be on the mend.
but then, he saw her at the coffee / bagel shop and from there, things were just back to her decision of separating and moving out. All within 3 weeks.
I am sure, you will get to a point of either anger or indifference but will still feel some love for her. We all handle things differently and that doesn't mean everyone has to go through an anger stage. It just happens that its common for those who find themselves as the ones who were left or broken up with get angry after an amount of time goes by and facts come to the surface about why the relationship really ended.
but that may not happen to you.
You know what you know. You know what you need to do, yet you just wanna do what you are doing. its cool, for now. Just don't let it define you for longer then the immediate future.
You'll get there.
I have been in your shoes. Crying for almost 2 years after my spouse left me. It does get better. Time heals. You don't have to hate her, but you do need to start focusing on other things.
Every choice you make from now on needs to be a positive, 'moving forwards' choice & not a negative 'looking backwards' choice.
You need to focus now on being a great father... rather than whimpering about being an abandoned spouse.
You can analyse it all you want, but it is unlikely you'll ever 'solve it'.
She's gone & sorry to be brutal, but she's most likely already involved with someone else.
If you are ever dumb enough to take her back then please don't ever show her these desperate, lovesick, needy posts or she'll definitely run a mile again.
She's in a win-win situation knowing she can waltz back to you whenever she wants. You're that desperate & starved for her.
You need to develop some confidence, self-esteem & self-respect.
Once I developed some then my spouse came crawling back begging for another chance. I had become appealing again... but by that time I'd seen through him for what he was... & I wasn't going to let him drag me down again. Since me, he's had numerous failed relationships & marriages... always following the same pattern of him leaving for another woman.
You're wallowing in ugly self-pity, but you need to start believing that it won't always be like this. The future can be bright for you when you're ready.
Your heart is broken. Your world has been turned upside down.
Nurture yourself. Be kind to yourself. Just get through each day one minute at a time. That's all you need to do right now. Love your kids.
In time you will find that your own personal happiness is not entirely dependent on HER. I actually think it is quite unfair to burden your wife with that. Perhaps that's where her feelings of being stifled & suffocated came from? Your 'love' is too obsessive, needy & overwhelming for her.
@ESL, I've been struggling through the same emotions you are feeling now. In fact, I did the dance of getting stronger and more independent only to have her come back into my life and resume an intimate relationship twice. Each time, I gradually started falling back to wanting more time with her, etc. She had also "moved on" in the background, so my expectations of where the rekindled relationship was leading did not match hers. I can tell you from experience that drawing near only to be kicked to the curb again, multiple times, is a recipe for even more pain.
You've heard all the good advice here - to focus on the kids and on healing yourself. You likely understand and believe that advice is good - yet it doesn't help with the overwhelming "feelings" you have. You feel like you need her more than anything. You feel like you are nothing without her and without being whole as a family. These feelings are your feelings, so you must acknowledge them. They are valid. BUT, you can't let them control you and let them run unchecked forever. You will need to recognize the feeling, understand it is a feeling, and consciously choose to redirect your mind each time.
It isn't easy, but it will get easier with time. I'm not great at it, and I fell again this month, but I'm picking myself up faster. We also need to learn from our experience, at least our part of it, so we don't repeat that pattern in our next relationship. I know you don't want another relationship now - you want her back, but with much time you will open yourself to possibilities again, and you'll want to be sure you are whole, with your own self-esteem and that you don't smother your partner. It would be great if you could focus on working on that. I'm trying to do the same. It will make me a better partner, and a better friend if I choose to maintain a friendship with my Ex or anyone else.