They do sound EXACTLY the same. I can't believe I shared 13 years of my life with this person. I committed career suicide and left a job in IT ( a company I was at for 10 years) to move across the country for her career opportunity. I moved away from my entire family. She doesn't appreciate any of it. She may not feel any guilt about what she did to us, but how can she do this to our son? Her own blood? He will be forever changed by this. For what? For a married guy that is probably just stringing her along for some sex on the side? Even if he leaves his wife and they end up together what about his kids? Their lives will be changed forever too. How could I of loved someone so wreckless and with no regard for anyone but herself. I'm sorry you're having to experience this pain and level of abandoment. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't see how I can ever trust anyone again. I've lost all faith in humanity. Stay strong for your kids. They need 1 parent with morals to be a role model.

Thanks again all... Some valid points... Not sure if im still gonna have that talk she spoke about having this weekend... not much value to it other then maybe figuroung out a way to split things up... Just not sure ill keep my emotoins at bay long enough to be rational. Just want to clarify, the 3 therapists that stated im so grounded, 2 of them were the two different marriage counslers we saw. I had private conversations with both of them after we stopped seeing them. Doesn't matter though, here in NY, there is no fault divorce, she doesn't have to prove anything to get one.. and second, I spoke with a lawyer, 90% of the time the mother gets residentual custody, the other 10% are the drug addicts and alcoholics...which she isn't. I also have saved emails and text messages from her mother and brother stating how she will regret this, and that they couldn't have asked for a better husband for there daughter and sister, how i dont desrve this etc... So if it does come to that, i do have some backing all around. Im feeling a bit more angry now, but not bad, Just hurt and angry... Still feel devistated and as if i lost everything. I have to bring the kids to her after work today, thats been the hardest part of me.. saying good bye to them just crushes me... I cry everytime. I dont know if ill ever get over this... I know everyone says in time I will, but right now my heart is so broken i dont see any way it can be healed. Wish I could turn back time.

ESL - The wish to turn back time is common, and for me comes in two flavors:

1. I wish I could turn back time and not have wasted so many years on her, but have made a better choice of partner. However, I'll never regret having my son as a result.

2. I wish I could turn back time to when things were good, and somehow do things differently such that she wouldn't have left me, but I'm not sure that would have been possible no matter what I did differently. Though I did play a role, the factors driving her decisions seem to be largely internal to her. I believe it is the same with you, which is why you'll never get a real explanation from her. It's not worth the pain and effort to try for something she'll never give you.

my head has given up... i can't do anything about this anymore, and anything ive already tried has only made it worse... She doesn't even want to consider an effort... its just over, and i can't do anything about it. My heart is still beating for her, but its broken into a thousand pieces.. I hope one day it can be put back together, but right now, Its just pain. I have to talk to her about splitting up assets and such... I dont know if it will be a mediator or lawyer, i guess ill have to look into that to protect myself. we dont have much, so honestly, i can't really lose much. even the house, I just dont think i want it, walking into each day alone is just a reminder, i need a fresh start, a new place, and hopefully a new life.

I'm in a very similar situation and I can empathize with wanting a fresh start in a new place. However, we are both constrained by wanting to be near our children for visitation.

In my case, I found an apartment on my son't bus route, but several miles away from the house. I signed over the house as she got primary custody and I wanted my son to be in the same school, same house, same friends, etc. Plus, she had the three older daughters and one of their boyfriends living in the house.

In your case, perhaps you can move closer to your new job location, but still within reasonable visitation distance. It would be nice if you didn't have to leave at 5:00 AM, and to not have the housework and be reminded by the house of her.

Man Hug. It sounds like you are moving forward and turning the corner to start to heal, even if you don't see it yet and even if it is bumpy along the way.

Why can't i let go... why can't i accept all this... why is my head always thinking of her, wondering where she is, what she is doing, if she will call. Why can't i just walk away, move on, live my life... Why am i crying so much for someone that has hurt me so much... I want this pain to go away, i can't get it to go away ;o(

I spent 6 months with that feeling and I think its pure mental torture. Nothing short of being in hell. Where every single free moment is fixed on that one person and knowing they are off doing god knows what not thinking about you at all. How badly the heart feels broken and doing something basic like eating food feels like too much work. I had a wonderful job that I had to switch to only part time hours at the time because my mind wouldn't stop racing. Some time has passed for me since then and I will still have my bad moments and the roller coaster of emotions but slowly I have managed to begin to pick up the pieces and try to put my life back together. It may take a lot of time but remember we all at one point on here have felt your pain and many still are feeling it. You are not alone and nothing you are feeling is crazy. Day by day, step by step just keep going each day and someday it wont feel like this

Great post Pinkrose28, I second everything you said. ESL, so many of us understand what you are going through. We're all going to react a bit differently, even if there are overall patterns that are similar in most people.

You seem to fall pretty far to the "sad" side of the spectrum. My tendency is to be probably a little more on the "angry" side as opposed to the middle. Of course we both vacillate frequently as well!

Can you do something concrete to knock her down off that pedestal? Make a list of all of her negative traits, and all of the bad things she's done to you. Read it daily. Add to it when new things emerge. She is NOT a wonderful person - at least not the present day her. I'm sure she has good qualities but she has plenty of bad qualities which make her toxic to you at this point.

And regardless of all that, she's done with the marriage. You know that now. You beat that dead horse to oblivion. You need to be done with it too, eventually. For now, grieve it, get angry over how poorly you've been treated, focus on your own health and spending time with your kids.

Would it help you get angry if you knew she had physically cheated on you during the marriage? I recall that she admitted to some emotional cheating. Look at all the threads on here - every single one that I can think of involves full-on cheating and lying which occurs, sometimes for quite a while, before the cheating spouse leaves. That is a very strong pattern. I can't say it for sure, of course, but it's likely that she cheated on you and is almost certainly spending time with someone else right now. If that helps you to find the anger you need to smash that pedestal, use it.

http://themindunleashed.org/2015/05/she-sat-with-many-strangers-that-day-but-when-this-man-shows-up-i-got-goosebumps.html

Maybe because noone ever really gets over someone.

ESL, because I truly believe with all my heart that everyone has that one person they never quite get over. That one person who has touched their body, heart, mind and soul. I have one, and will never completely get over him. I think I will love him until the day I die.

I have to see him today, as a matter of fact, due to being at a function at school for my daughter. I'm afraid. I still feel the strong pull for him I did, despite the toxicity of the person and the relationship. It's not my husband, but the man just after. I will never get over the love I had for him, but I learned to move on and live with out it and realize that I can have other loves. To me he was the one, maybe my soul mate. I don't know. I loved him and he hurt me, but I will always love him.

Maybe there is something to the video charliegirl posted. Maybe you never truly ever get over someone, maybe you just learn to live without them.

You will get there.

We had our lil talk, but it wasn't much value, discussed scheduling with the kids through July, and then what she wanted to say, only had to do with how we should handle the kids, brief topic about us, about How its ok and acceptable today to be divorced, how the kids will be ok, How even though the laws are there, its up to her and I and what decide to do. That she doesn't want child support or maintence, she wants us to together take care of the kids, and support them equally. As far as why her and I can't even try... wasn't even a topic, Unfortunatly i broke down crying again, when i told her, maybe its ok for you to be a part time mom, but i dont want to be a part time dad. She rubbed my back, and shortly after said, you should get going... I got up and she walked me to the door... She hugged me and said she was sorry again, I held her hand a min and said.. dont ever forget I love you.. and I left.

To make this a bit worse, in 2 days is my daughters birthday, and all i can think about is how amazing that time was for us.. 4 years ago today we were about to have our first child, and we were so excited and so in love... then my daugher came june 3rd.. and our life was just pure bliss.. nothing could have been better. I miss those days.

We=you+her

There is no we
That is her choice

You are a chump
She is playing you
She wants nothing to do with
Yet, she rubs your back and consuls you
Why, she has a plan that she scripted to get what she wAnts

Don't be a chump

@refurb - Your right, there is no WE in respect to a marriage, There is a WE as parents. Thats all we are to her at this point. Her consuling me didn't make me feel anything, I was just stating it as it is what happend. Doesn't change how i am feeling, about her, and my family... Today at this moment i still want her and my family despite everything, yes, that will not happen, and if it did, it would have to come with a very clear and obvious statment and effort on her part to prove it was realy what she wanted... Again, I am aware, that hasn't happend, and wont happen at the very least anytime soon if ever. Do I want it to, yes, am I waiting around for it to happen, not entirely, part of me just isn't ready to let go and move on, and even when i did let go, I wouldn't be ready to move on, it will take me a very long time to open my heart and mind to someone new. Im still heartbroken and deeply in love with her, the person i atleast thought I knew. She isn't that person today, not sure if that person is even inthere anymore. But if that person came back and take it back, not just for me, but for my kids as well. I want her, I want to be a whole family and I dont want to be a part time job. If that ever became possible i dont think i could say no.... Maybe that makes me a chump and a fool, your entitled to your opinion... but i still love her deeply and my family was always the most important thing to me.

You're entitled to always love her, but need to focus on learning to live without her.

It's very obvious that her affections already lie elsewhere & any consoling she gives you is out of guilt for hurting you.

This woman does not love you anymore & is unlikely to ever fall for you again whilst you're in this weak, needy submissive state.

She 'might' regain her interest if you become appealing in some way - confident, self-assured, self-reliant... but by that time you will be the one calling the shots & saying to her... "No, I've moved on because I deserve better."

im trying... Just feel completly lost without her... and i mean that emotionally.. I can function as a person on my own, but i just miss so much about her, and missing family functions, or not having here with me to share in some of the everyday joys of life, or functions with my own family are just a huge void in my life. Our families blended well and now nothing... im just so lost and a shell of who i was. im struggling alot to get past it... I think of her often and miss her a ton.