Broken234 I agree. My ex had her plan in motion for several years. By the time she pulled the trigger she had already found her new boytoy and so her exit plan was executed. She didn't want to hear about the kids or counseling or working together or none of that shit. Her mind had been made up years before as I look back. I don't think God himself could've stopped her from walking. All we can do is accept its over and get on with our lives as happily as possible. It's up to us to find that happiness. You cannot get any comfort or solace from an ex.
That story is over.

It feels kind of like Stockholm Syndrome. I'm not judging as I was following a similar pattern of looking to my Ex for comfort when she was the one causing the pain. Duh. Some deprogramming was needed and this group was immensely helpful with that. I posted a couple of email exchanges and got some unbiased feedback that was tough to hear, but really needed. I'm still working on NC other than about my son, but doing pretty well and turning the corner. I've had NC all week except that g'nite thing that I need to quit. I just got my son for the weekend before she got home from work. I'm looking forward to great weather and fun with my son. You'll get there - just try to see it intellectually for what she became and how she treats you, and begin to let go. It is freeing.

Well. Thursday evening after my daughters party she wanted to talk. It was more of the same and eventually brought me to tears. The next morning I texted her saying I was done. I can't do this anymore and I can't be walked all over and treated like crap. She was picking up the kids later that evening and I made sure to see them. Say good bye and kiss them and then left before she arrived. I leave tomorrow morning for a week in California for work. I intende to have zero contact. I just hope she doesn't reach out to me. I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't sad and still want to reach out. But I'm not. I know just seeing her is painful. She wants us to be friends and still be apart of each other's families. I can't do that. I just can't.

It is 100 percent ok for you to say you can't be friends with her, especially right now and with how you feel. That is an unreasonable expectation on her part. You may be able to be friends someday, or you may not, but either choice is up to you. Take the next week of NC one day at a time. My suggestion to prevent her from contacting you is to tell her up front that she is no longer in a position to have contact with you unless it has something to do with your children. I would make it very known that you will not longer be sitting down with her to have these little "talks". All it does is upset you, and you don't need that. If you want to talk to your children when they are in her case, maybe set up a prearranged time to talk to them and let her know there is no need for there to be any conversation with you unless there is an issue with your children. If you truly are considering going NC, you need to set up some boundaries and stick to them. You also need to have a plan in place to deal with the urges to reach out to her when they hit, and they will hit, so be prepared.

Good luck!

ESL, where in California? If you're nearby, I'll buy you a drink and we can commiserate together.

Souther Cali. Staying in Irvine.

Just going back to when you said this... " i can't help but feel i have failed in some way as a husband, as a man, and as a father. I feel that although she shares blame. I wish I could change things, i wish I knew something was wrong long ago before it was to late... I feel I failed in not knowing or seeing it sooner."

I felt this "failure" for many years after my ex left... but now I fully accept there's not a damn thing I could have done differently. I didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing wrong with me.

I hope you find some peace in accepting that sometimes there's just no logic to it.

I think in every case, there is something about us that has the other person leave, but it doesn't mean its something bad about us.

My ex did the same thing, she cheated and wanted to leave to be with an older married guy. She did everything to put the blame on me as to why she was leaving / had left. Before I knew she was a cheating ho, of course I was upset, cried, took her words verbatim that I was a piece of shit, didn't treat her right even though my head and our history knew better. I asked for some of her reasons, and when she finally sent me an email listing out a few, months later, it was because I always had my NFL Football Team on the TV every Sunday and not hers, that she mentioned wanting to go to the Blue Man group and I hadn't taken her yet, and so on. All things that were everything but the real reason and that was that she was selfish and wanted to do what she wanted to do. She didn't care who she lied to or hurt just so she can go spend the summer with her sister, acting like she back in High School and have the freedom to sleep with this dude.

IT ALWAYS ABOUT THEM

The saying, "its not me, its you." applies here.

Also, as for the in-laws creating their own party... Yeh, their hearts were in the right place. Her brother pretty much said, "they didn't want you to feel abandoned". Thats why they are trying so hard. Thats are doing what they are. You ignorant and intrusive stbx wife probably found out and invited herself. She wanted to just be present so to make sure everyone was still playing nice and not "wife bashing" her. Her early... early exit leaves some evidence to that.

I am glad you said what you did. Now you need to stick with it. I hope you can get some distance while you are away.

Well. I've here in Cali all week. It's been nice but has left me feeling empty. I think about wanting to reach out to share my experiences here. But I haven't and won't. But just the fact I can't makes me feel alone and empty. Knowing I'll be home in two days back to the same crap just makes me feel sad again. I guess it will take time. I put myself on a dating web site just to try to get out there a bit. I've noticed I'm just not into it and know I'm not ready. But I also hate the feeling of just feeling alone.

ESL, please take yourself off the dating website. You are in no way, shape or form ready to unleash yourself on the unsuspecting dating world. Don't use someone as a rebound to pacify your feelings of loneliness. You are going to have to do what the rest of us do, go through the pain. Heal.

Your about as ready to date as we are walking on Jupiter. Go slow and heal you have a long ways to go before subjecting some poor gal to your tales of woe. I would suggest 8-12 months of healing or more before considering dating.

I did the same thing, (dating website), well, my friends put a profile up for me after only a month of her being gone. They also tried to get me to meet available females in their families. I didn't get the logic at the time as I was totally uninterested, but in hindsight, I can see how it kind of helped me. It helped me in a way so for me to stop thinking I was a total piece of crap because someone showed interest. To know that there are other women out there for me, etc.

So I kind of get why you signed up for the dating website even though you know you are not ready. It will give you some sort of feeling that you will not be alone for long.

@ESL, I saw this article today and thought of you. I identified with having engaged in many of the behaviors in the list, and the outcome was not good. Hopefully, there is something to be learned by raising awareness of our behaviors and their impact.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Best wishes
-LostNFound3

Wow, I saw 700+ posts, I had to come see. Oddly stumbled onto something that seemed so familiar, one day in Feb 2010 my husband said he didn't want to be married anymore. There wasn't even a conversation, it was all decided and he was gone from that day. All the thoughts I had for the future derailed like a freight train. It's a very devastating thing to go through. But you realize at some point, that you have to deal with what IS. Your plans for the future have to change. They will be different. You are mourning the loss of the future you planned to have. The next step is to make new plans and start living them out. As for dating, nope, I'm busy raising my boys. Period. I was a stay at home mom for ten years, and home schooled my kids before he left. I went to work in the school system. I see many, a majority, of kids without parents who focus on them. Families are all a big mess nowadays. The kids are suffering for the selfishness of the ones who are giving up on their families for whatever reason. My own kids including. They miss their father. But they don't have to miss me. It's all a choice. I apologize I don't have time to read 70 pages of posts tonight, so someone else on here has probably already said all that I am saying tonight. Maybe God wanted you to hear it again. I know God sent several people to tell me the same exact thing over and over and over during my time of panic over how to live my new life. It really is a new life, a different life. It's okay to embrace it so you can be content in your life. Your lot in life is not to be miserable because someone else made a poor choice. Also, remember, your kids are watching you deal with this traumatic situation. They need to see you be okay after being hurt.
There really are some great words of wisdom on this thread. I'm going to check in and read some more when I can. Hugs to you everyone else here who has started over and created a new life!!! It's totally possible. :)

Thank you all.. I know the reality of all this is I have no choice but to move on, and focus on me and the kids... I am trying real hard to do that... But I do still feel that each day that passes my love for her, and my heart missing her seems to grow. I find myself reminded of her by many things in my daily life. I can honestly flat our say, I am still complelty in love with her despite all thats happened. I know this doesn't change my situation, but it makes it harder for me to accept and move on. believe im trying, and im sure you all know its a huge struggle. but i am trying. ;o(