Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members
100,360 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
sja
sja
Pink rose and gen are making excellent points. This is about your daughter. A celebration if her life. You need to step back and focus in that, not your pain. Today is not about you, it is about your child. Hand in there. It will get easier if you let it and stop focusing on the past and stay focusing on the future.
Missy73
Missy73
I'm with Gem Your daughter's birthday should be all about her. You were given a great gift four years ago today. With that gift came great responsibility. You don't have the right to be this self-indulgent anymore. Your children have to be your priority. While you may not be a family in the way you'd like, you and your wife will forever be co-parents. It's good that you recognize that being around her is not in your best interest right and you should limit your contact accordingly. However, there will be times when you have to suck it up. Your daughter's birthday is one of those occasions.
smilelikeyoumeanit
smilelikeyoumeanit
I agree with all these comments. This is your daughter's day. Make an effort for her sake.

A bit of gratitude for what you DO have is in order. 1) Beautiful, healthy kids. Go on... write down some more. Instead of the broken man/broken family/broken record routine...

Also repeating affirmations can be useful...

"I am getting stronger everyday." ...would be a good starting point.
ESL12
ESL12
Well.. my day is just getting greater... I have the kids after work today, I was going to spend it with them alone celebrating my daughters birthday since tomorrow is a party for her with everyone. My Wifes Mom is now coming over with a cake, and my wife as well. her brother just called me to talk a bit to tell me, he doesn't want me to feel abandoned by them, that he considers me family, that my wifes whole family is really upset with her over this , and angry with her about how she is handleing everything... He also informed me that 2 of his sons are coming over with my mother inlaw, and that he is going to try to stop by with his third son after karate. So this has turned into a large gathering at my house with her family... My aunt is now coming and i called my father, but not sure if he is coming yet. First time everyone will be together since she moved out. I really dont want to see them right now, but its my daughters family, and for her and her birthday I am allowing it. I didn't say no to anyone. Just really wish things were alot different.
Missy73
Missy73
That's outrageous. It's one thing for you to put on a happy face for your daughter's sake, it's another for your wife to invite her family to the house that is no longer her residence without running it by you first, in advance. It's a credit to you that you are going to allow it. After the celebration is over I think you should have a conversation with her about boundaries so this doesn't happen again when your son's birthday rolls around.
ESL12
ESL12
Well.... my wife didn't do this... My mother inlaw reached out earlier this week, since she can't make tomorrow's party she wanted to come by with a cake... I said ok. This morning is when i found out my wife was going to stay for cake too, i thought it was just her mom... Then this afternoon her brother called me to talk, and he also informed me that my mother inlaw was bringing two of his sons, ( i had no idea till this call )... He also said he was gonna try to stop by after his third sons karate. When i messaged my wife asking her to drop the kids off rather then me pick them up so i could clean up a bit, she had no idea everyone was coming. she thought it was just her mom. I have since asked my father to come by, and my aunt no longer wants to cause she is so annoyed with with my wife. regardless though, the entire situation isn't ideal... she wants a divorce, her family should see the kids on her time, not mine... but i also know i have to deal with them the rest of my life, and this is my daughters day, i dont want to keep family away from her so im allowing it. Just not sure its whats best for me emotionally.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
It is what it is now.
My advice...after today ..set up boundaries. You have to put your foot down. This is completely outrageous and you are being treated as a doormat. This was your ex wife's decision NOT YOURS, and your ex in laws are gonna have to live with it too. YOU dictate what happens at your house. You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it.
pinkrose28
pinkrose28
maybe yours wifes family felt like it was good for you to be around people and wanted to show you that you aren't alone etc. I think maybe they did have good intentions but the problem is that you are hurting so although they are trying to be helpful they are actually hurting. I think until you are in a good place and okay to be around them without it triggering sad moments you shouldn't have to see them. After the party later this week maybe talk to your wife and have her explain this to her family. Let her know you do love them and appreciate all they are doing but right now seeing them is just hard
sja
sja
Ummm, NO! NO! NO! Now listen, ESL. At some point you are going to need to stand up for yourself, here. They are your STBX's family. Not yours. Not anymore. You want an evening with your daughter to celebrate her birthday with her, then that is your right. It is not your problem that you STBX-MIL can't come tomorrow, it is hers. These people, including your STBX are just inviting themselves over to YOUR place, YOUR home, on YOUR night with YOUR kids and YOU are permitting it to happen. At some point you need to stop trying to make everyone else happy and make yourself happy.

You need to get some boundaries up, because until you do, you are going to stay stuck, stuck, stuck.

Did you happen to pick up the book, "Getting Past Your Breakup" like I suggested a couple months ago? You really need this book.
pinkrose28
pinkrose28
let us know how tonight goes and please remember that your wife seems to have no boundaries she may ask to be in photos with you give you a hug smile while cutting cake, put her hand on your shoulder etc but none of this means anything. Don't let her small signs drag out your hope or make you conflicted again. Enjoy your bday night with your daughter and take a lot of photos and make some happy memories with her and your son.
pinkrose28
pinkrose28
by her I meant your daughter NOT wife just wanted to clarify
ESL12
ESL12
Thanks all... when i spoke with her brother today, I flat out told him i was upset with all of them, that they talked to me about tough love on my wife, yet none of them are doing it... that i feel abandoned by all of them as well as my wife, and that tomorrow's party with everyone, her friends and family i dont even feel welcome at... He responded by saying that he knows its hard, but he wants me to know that ill always be his brother and uncle to his kids.. that he wants to talk to me but doesn't know what to say anymore, he wishes he could give me good news, but can't. That tomorrow, i should sit and hang out with him and his kids if i wanted, he says my wifes whole family is on my side, but no longer knows what they can do or say, they have argued with my wife as recently as this past weekend. His mother, himself, her grandmother are all annoyed and embarrassed by her actions.. that they wish there was something they could do, but she is a grown woman, and they can't force her... but they dont agree with any of this, and that she has no idea how lucky she was to have someone like me fight so hard for his marriage and family...
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
That's all well and good, my ex in laws told me the same shit. But it doesn't change anything because blood is thicker than water and eventually she's going to be dragging the new guy to your ex in laws and he is going to replace you. That's reality. Your ex didn't leave to become a nun. I heard the exact same shit. Now I don't speak to my exes side of the family at all. It's a sad but true fact that it's not just the spouses we lose but the whole side of her family too, unless you want to break bread with the new guy and get updates about them together. Doesn't work.
ESL12
ESL12
Well everyone left. It was exactly as anticipated. Misery. My wife left early. Really early and it was just me and her family for a while. I spent half the night alone in another room. Her brother talked to me a bit. He is pissed at her and her mom also spoke with me saying she feels like a bad mother that I did nothing wrong and she knows her daughter is making a huge mistake. She said this is who she is and feels horrible. Said Its her daughter but I deserve better. That I need to be the stable father she knows I am and the stable guy she always thought would take care of her daughter. Now that everyone is gone I'm gonna spend some quality time with my kids.
sja
sja
ESL, come on. You have to stop talking to her family about what their thoughts are about your situation. Their thoughts are irrelevant. Their flesh and blood has made up her mind, and she is their family. Eventually once things settle down, they are going to accept her decision and what her future holds. Please stop holding on to what they say as hope that they can convince her to change her mind. It is heartbreaking to read your posts. I know you are not ready to accept things for what they are, but you need to start taking the steps to accept them. You have put up a valiant fight for your STBX. You have fought for your family harder than anyone I can think of, but it really it time to give up the fight and start looking to your future, your new normal, your new life. The more you talk to her family about how they feel about this, the harder it is going to be for you to do that.

Go spend the evening with your children and celebrate the wonderful gifts you have in them. They need to be your focus, not what your wife's family thinks of her actions.