i can't answer you... sadly i do feel like a burden to those around me... and these recent comments are making me feel the same on this forum... I dont know why im stuck where i am.. I dont know why im struggling more then most of you if not all of you... I dont read everyone elses posts to often because frankly... our stories are different, even if we share similar emotion. What ones wife did or said to the other may be different then mine. this ordeal has started since jan... but it was two months ago i was lored back in, and only 2 months ago she moved out... take it as an excuse, but i feel this is new to me all over again. We all grieve in different ways and take longer then others. I dont comment much on other posts because im in not place of mind to clear my own head let alone advise someone else. I dont feel its appropriate for me to advise someone else when my advice may be to keep trying. I dont know what to really say anymore.. If your sick of hearing me or dealing with me.. dont read or respond... I dont need your attention, i write here so I dont write her or burden all my friends wth every tear i shed. I appreciate everyones time and efforts.

Then you are choosing to stay stuck. I'm sorry for you, I hope one day you realize what an immense amount of time and energy your wasting. Use what ever excuse you want, you should have gotten angry 2 months ago when she drew you back in then booted you out again. You are letting this go on, no one else. I'm not going to respond anymore because it's a waste of time, but I will pray for you.

Listen to brittany8... "When I went through the grieving process and got back on my feet is when my husband started to miss me and was curious."

Exactly. This is exactly what happened to me & so many others. You will become more appealing to her once your self- respect is restored. You must work on that. Let yourself grieve & miss her, but not at the expense of your self-worth. I sincerely believe that is the only chance you have of becoming remotely attractive to her again. Maintain your strong stance on the boundaries etc.

You seem to offhandedly dismiss this emotional attachment she has already formed with another man. Whilst you are weeping for the loss of your 'perfect marriage' ... she is busy thinking about another man. How does that make you feel? Because that's the reality of the situation.

You seem so overwhelmed, dumbfounded & confused by your natural feelings of grief. We all went through it. Intensely at first then the sense of loss tends to ebb & flow & eventually weaken as you carve out a new life for yourself. Give the pain less attention. Immerse yourself in something new. Go out and meet new people - not to date - but a little appreciation can do wonders for the self- worth.

You have lost the love of your life. It's ok to cry. Nothing hurts more than loss of love... but take heart that all of us go onto to rebuild our lives, often meeting better partners in the future.

Everything happens for a reason. This will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. An opportunity. I know that sounds impossible to you right now... but one day it will become the truth.

Thanks... im not dismissing the emotional attachment, it hurts... makes me feel like i wasn't enough... My selfworth and esteem is in the dumps... I know im stuck... I try hard to get out of it, and have some good days, but i always slip back.... im not the man i was all my life, strong confident and independent... I feal weak, unwanted and like i can't survive without her. When I have the kids im raising them alone, its not easy, not the life i wanted for myself or my kids. I look at them and feel ive failed them. Ive failed myself, my wife, my inlaws.... Bash me all you want, yell at me, give up on me, Doesn't change the pain i have. you think i want to cry everynight? You think i want to be miserable? I go out with friends, i stay out of the house as much as possible... tonight rather then be alone im choosing to sleep on a couch in my cousins apartment in NYC.... you think i want to sleep on a couch? I am doing, I am trying... my head goes to her, i can't stop it. I dont know how... I try, i try to talk myself down. I try to put something interesting on TV, I try to close my eyes and force myself to sleep. I take every chance i can to travel for work just to get away... I try. and i am failing.

What does your therapist suggest when you talk about being stuck?

I would go talk to your physician and get your meds changed. It took a few before I found something that seemed to really help. Whatever you're taking isn't working.

ESL, you are not failing. You are grieving. And this is the process. Like I said, I cried everyday for 4 months. To be honest, I still cry, but it might be once every couple of weeks. I miss my life with my husband. We raised 5 kids, and were together 18 years. I was crushed. But you will see a difference, a little at a time.

My therapist says its ok to cry... that this is still new and fresh, that my wife hasn't given me much to work with and no closure. That we all grieve in our own time. To stay true to myself, set boundries. Suggested her and I try to go to therapy together to work on a relationship, not a marriage for our kids.

You're not failing though! You're grieving.

Everything you're saying & doing is exactly what I did too. Throwing myself into work... staying with friends etc rather than be home alone. It feels like $hit, but you just keep doing it because it's a temporary distraction & of course your mind goes back to her at any opportunity.

What you're experiencing is not unusual or unnatural. It hurts like hell, but you will come out the other side a stronger person.

I think it might be worth getting some advice or support on raising your kids alone. This is your new reality & you need to learn some skills on how to do this. I know it's not what you want or envisaged... Nobody wants it!

You're clinging to the past to avoid facing reality.

I'd get a new therapist too. Therapy together is pointless. You need to detach. Work on a relationship but not marriage? Why? She's made her choice and moved on..obviously someone new is occupying her thoughts and probably more.

@ESL, Coop is right. If you look at the abundant material on recovering from divorce, and the advice on many posts here, you will see that No Contact (NC) is the agonizing first step in detachment and healing. I empathize because I followed a similar path to you - overwhelmed by my love for my ex and the loss of her - wanting to do anything to save the marriage, etc. I was set back repeatedly by conflicting messages - her wanting me again, then not. Even after her new guy came on the scene last month, contact with her always left me set back and hurting.

My therapist agreed with all the great advice on this post - go NC, except for short, succinct messages about co-parenting. Time away may seem like withdrawal from a drug (you are addicted to her), but only time away with NC will allow your recovery to begin. You will gain the perspective you need to see it for what it really was, and to detach, focus on you, love yourself and move forward.

I'm only barely making that turn-around myself - but it is beginning to work and I feel so much better. There are still bad days and bad moments each day, and my ex can still hurt me -even using my son recently to hurt me around father's day, but NC to the best of my ability, space, and "tough love," positive examples and insights from this wonderful community are helping me reset my perspective, begin to let go and look forward instead of back.

The fact that you are stuck, pining for what you think you lost as opposed to who she really is now, and you are using terms like "I am a failure" and so forth are a good indication that your therapy may not be helping you process your reality and recover - recover your dignity, self-worth and perspective.

I wish you acceptance, ultimately peace and happiness. We all want to see you heal, and your children need you to heal and be a strong example of radical self-respect. Prayers and hugs. You CAN do it.

Agree with Coop...get a new therapist asap! Can't believe a therapist would say it's ok to cry because your STBX hasn't given you closure. Closure is hogwash! Especially if you are looking to your STBX for it!

She has made it clear she no longer wants to be married. That is her closure.

As far as therapy for the children/parenting... Talk to your divorce lawyer about this. Some states have co-parenting classes that you must attend as part of the custody agreement.

Also, I understand wanting to write your feelings out, I too did the same when my ex left me but at this point there is little advice left to give you on this particular topic. Maybe you could start a journal on this site. That is an option.

Hope you find strength soon...

You're kidding yourself if you think you can go to therapy with her without any expectation of working on your marriage. You can go to co-parenting class if you have issues along those lines. I agree with the others who suggested a different medication and a new therapist. From where I'm sitting your therapist is perpetuating your pity party. Just yesterday you wrote that your wife sent you an email explaining why she was unhappy. That's all the closure you can reasonably expect. That's more than many of us received. Any additional closure has to come from you. Set up a visitation schedule, mediate your financial issues and go as close to no contact as you can.

Earlier today Sja told you to knock your wife off the pedestal and she's right. You have the power to control your thoughts. Initially when I had warm, fuzzy thoughts of my husband, I had to stop and remind myself that he's a prick. Eventually I didn't need to be reminded because I was no longer thinking about his attributes. That day will come for you too if you do the work.

Agree. Closure is a myth. It has to come from you now. Setting strong boundaries is the first step.

You can ruminate on it, analyse it & try to solve it, but sometimes there's no solution. Good marriages fail. Good spouses get abandoned. That's life. People change (often suddenly) & want different things & different people.

I hurt & cried for 2 years. TWO YEARS! Because the perfect, wonderful man I'd loved & had a great marriage with - decided being a serial adulterous prick was better than being a loving husband.

The best revenge is eventually regaining your strength & self-respect & going on to have a happy life without them. It's their loss... & comical when they come crawling back & you can honestly say with strength & confidence... "thanks, but no thanks, dickhead."

Wow. I have just finished reading this entire post, and I am blown away. This is my situation almost in it's entirety. Been married for 19 years this august. Last month I was told I love you but I'm not on love with you anymore. This whole scenario including her being done, can't work on it any more, doesn't know show she is, can't be herself around me, doesn't have "wife" feelings for me any more. Just straight out of the blue. I've been going to counseling for three weeks now. Got her to go last week. She is deathly afraid of it because she has her own issues to deal with, that she won't face up to. Anyway, she decided to hit me with," I've been saying good by for the last year. All of your changes are wonderful but it's too little too late." And she never told me anything! A lot of other things to add to that, but I'm home with the kids, 10 and 13, and she's sleeping at her best friends house. Coming over in the morning to get ready for work. Acting like nothings wrong, not talking about the situation because she internalizes everything. She wants the single life, but can't let go of the family either. We are going camping this Monday through Wednesday as a family along with her sister and kids and the mother in law. After that I think I need to cut her safety net and tell her to pack her stuff and move out, if she's intent on it. By all accounts she is, even though I think she's confused as hell right now. She's trying to find herself right now, and gave up on the marriage when it got too hard instead of talking and working on our jssues.
My point behind that ramble (other than I'm completely devistated by this) is that I feel where you are coming from man. Although my kids are older, my situation is almost exactly the same. Please talk to me if you need an ear. Maybe we can help each other cope. Some days are hard, and some days are just days. But talking really helps. That's why I just joined this site. Stay strong brother. We can both get through this.