Hi again Tuxgirl. Have seen the ones you mean now. Pretty simple. A support shaft slit at the bottom to expand covered with an open top condom type thing that can be lubed. Only from USA though and disposabe, so one has to keep buying.

Mmmm I was thinking fingers of a good rubber glove or a right sized thicker walled shampoo bottle slit at the bottom covered with a cut off condom or adapt other penile products.

Have to give it some thought. All Ideas welcome.

Hey everyone. 1st a little about me and my hubby. I am 35, he's 56. We have been married for almost 3 years. (together for 8). We have never had a very active sex life, but..since we got married, he has had ED more and more. (he has tried Cialis and Levitra, but says he causes him muscle and back pain, so he wont take it.) We rarely have sex. (maybe once every 2 months or so.) I understand his medical problems and I try to be supportive..Problem is, he has stopped trying at all. There is no intimacy in my marriage at all...We haven't kissed (really kissed) in over a year or longer..I MISS this so much. I miss the cuddling, petting, kissing, as much if not more than sex. I am currently considering an affair. (FWB situation). Am i being selfish? Am I wrong for still wanting and needing physical attention? Please let me know what you all think.

Sounds to me like your love language is touch Sstoney. This is my wife's as well. Although I needed sex I didn't understand holding hands, hugging etc. We all need love but we experience it in a special way when our prime love language is used. If you want to read up on it it's by Gary Chapman "The Five Languages of Love".

I wouldn't recommend going out of the marriage for sex as this would be adultery. I would work at it and he should too. We are all working at it here. I can't imagine my wife going somewhere else for sex. It would destroy our marriage.

TonyC:
We were looking specifically at the Rejoyn brand product and not the sleeves that are basically a penile extension. Those things were a bit on the scary looking side to me.
The herbal supplements and vitamin supplements do seem to be helping quite a bit as does the improved communication and his newfound determination to have a life beyond just work and our extended family.
I'm also trying to watch our diet even a little more closely than I had already been doing - keeping a tighter rein on fat content and trying to use as many organic items as I can. Just trying to keep it a little healthier if possible.
He even commented over the weekend that he realizes now that he'd just been working too hard for too long and that really took a toll on both of us.
While every intimate encounter may not involve intercourse or even stimulation to climax, there is more just overall intimacy and just pleasure in touching and being touched - a lot more kissing and cuddling.
We've actually taken the time to utilize some of the nice features we included when we had our new bedroom suite constructed several years ago. We put in an extra long whirlpool tub and had custom double showerheads built in the shower but they'd had barely been used for the purpose I envisioned when I designed the project.
I know he would like to be able to count on having an erection when he wants one, or should I say have one on demand, but we are seeing great improvement in the situation.
Because he's not able to rely on being able to perform exactly as he wants to when he wants to, we've been looking into the Rejoyn sleeves.
I've held off ordering them, but will do so probably this week or next.

Sadly, I truly understand how most of the ladies on here feel. My situation had gone on for so long I'd given up hope of ever seeing any change. I guess we both had to reach such a deep level of miserable that the only way to go was up, split up or something even worse.

I'm certainly not saying things are perfect in my bedroom by any means, but I am much happier with the direction things are going right now. I am enjoying the improvement, but I'm sort of holding my breath a bit to see if this all lasts. If he slips back into his old ways, I may just do something really rash.

sstoney:
You are not being selfish - you are being human. We all need touch, contact and love. It's a basic human need.

I feel your pain. As our sex life declined and my husband's ED became more pronounced, the intimacy began to end as well. We had a few fumbling starts of kissing and cuddling off and on, but eventually even that ended and all of our physical contact was pretty perfunctory. No pizzazz, no affection at all. Nada.

Yes, it does drive you to consider looking outside your marriage and I for one would not condemn you if you took this step, because I know your misery - been there and did that for more years than I want to think about. But, and this is a big BUT, it is a big risk if your husband isn't in step with the idea. And, even if he says it's OK to do so, you risk turning a corner you can't come back around.

There is a lot of risk involved in extramarital relations. And, not just from a health standpoint. I would think long and hard about before even giving it much consideration at all.

Perhaps, if you can convince your spouse that the lack of intimacy, and not necessarily sexual intimacy, is creating a rift that may be irreparable in your marriage, he might rethink the lack of touching and cuddling.

I've worked very hard to make sure my husband understands that I don't expect to have a full blown sexual encounter every time we touch, cuddle, kiss or pet (make out, whatever you want to call intimate touching) and that I don't want to put undue pressure on him to perform sexually when Father Nature isn't always inclined to go along with our desires.

I've been doing a tremendous amount of ego stroking along with the physical stroking to reassure him that we're moving in a better direction together.

I have however made it very clear that I need to be an important part of his life and that we need to be with each in ways that are deeper than the daily goings on of running our home and business together if our marriage is going to survive.

As with most men, I think you're going to have to point blank tell him that you need more than a handshake goodnight.

I wish you well as you work through this.

Wow you have written a lot Tuxgirl. I do know the Rejoyne sleeves you mean, although I was off the scent at first looking at something else. I hope they work for you after you both get through the adjustment period. You must tell us all about them.

Overwork is another feature in ED that I have heard about before so it is good that he is thinking about that as well. It seems to me that this problem has highlighted that the marriage needs to be worked on too well and that cannot be a bad thing. I think you are being very wise and understanding in your comments on the situation. Your husband is a fortunate man.

It is true that we are not sexual machines. Timing is important but we also need to adjust to the others need. I feel the need to play quite often even if it is not full blown IC. My wife never seems to reveal her need of sexual intimacy as I am the one who always initiates. She does like touch though. A hug and a kiss etc. here and there. That seems important to her. A bit like Stoney I suppose.

I hope you have some good fun together in your showers now.

With regard to the diet I have been cutting down saturated fats as much as I can but one's body does need unsaturated fats (olive oil etc.). I found that out over the weeks. If one can cut the cholestrol down I think it would improve the blood flow. I don't believe in statins though. I read that clogged blood vessels start with the sexual organs first in a man so it can be a timely warning. All Cialis and Viagra does is to relax the blood vessels so it is something to do with good circulation to that area, which ordinary excercise doesn't reach it seems, speaking as one who has always kept super fit. I wonder if one can build the muscles in that area through Kegel excercises as one can get the blood in but not keep it there. Building up muscles in that area might help perhaps?

Thank you Tuxgirl and Tony for your comments. While, I feel that I have tried to make my needs known to my husband, i really feel like he just doesnt care. (he just doesnt think that it is important.) I love him dearly and I dont want to end our marriage. (im just afraid that I will one day look back on my life and feel like I have missed out.) I have always been a very affectionate and sexual person. I am ok without intercourse, but I still have needs. I just wonder if it possible to have both. I dont want hurt anyone by cheating, or leaving. But I feel as though I am hurting myself by giving up a major part of me. At the same time, I feel like I am being selfish.

There is obviously a marriage problem there as well Stoney if he cannot understand your need of intimacy and affection. That goes way beyond sex, as important as sex is.

The trouble is that some men with ED centre on it and see everything in terms of that and how they are not performing. Love is very important and doesn't stop because of ED and that love will try and ensure that sexual needs are met as best they can be including the other intimacies of hugging touching etc.

I think he needs educating in marriage. Marriage is a committment to love the other. I know you cannot make him listen but you must find a way to get it accross, otherwise the marriage is in trouble and he needs to know that.

My wife used to complain that I only hugged her when I wanted sex. She was right. I had a lot to learn and I learned it. Touch is extremely important to her as well. Marriage is about being adjusted to each other and trying to understand each other. It is very rewarding if both are working at it.

Can you suggest marriage counseling to him? If nothing else that will indicate that there is something desperately wrong. You could confess perhaps, if the timing was right, that you were being tempted to an affair. It is in his power to fix that and meet the need that is obviously there.

Thanks Tony. I have suggested marriage counseling and we even went a couple of times, but nothing changed. I feel like he blames me for our problems. I know we have ALOT of marriage problems, financially as well. I find myself seriously considering leaving him. But we have kids and I am honestly scared of being alone. I dont want to hurt my kids, or my husband, but i want to be happy. I do love my husband. (I question whether I am "in love" with him anymore.) I REALLY just want to feel wanted and needed.

Is he faithful to you Stoney? What I mean by that is that he is not watching porn or flirting with anyone, either online or actual.

It is possible for these things to eat away at the love of a marriage.

Tony, i have never seen him do that. He never acts like he has any interest in sex at all! I know he also has depression..byt he just doesnt seem to care about anything.

I was just checking Stoney. Sometimes there is a diversion of the sexual drive going on which is unfaithfulness.

You say he has a health problem? What would that be?

If he has tried Cialis that at least shows that he did try. Like him I found that I had back pain and pain in the back of the knees a couple of days later. It was good while it lasted but the pain was pretty worrying.

Tuxgirl mentions that they do different things than IC which is a kind of partial answer. I think your case is more complicated as he doesn't even recognise your need for ordinary intimacy such as hugs, touch etc.. Perhaps he thinks that it will lead to ED and he can't perform? I don't know.

The depression certainly doesn't help[. What is he depressed about? Does he want to improve his marriage or doesn't he care? It really needs two to work on a marriage not just one.

Have you confessed to him that you are tempted to have an affair? He needs something to jolt him maybe to start working and communicating about the marriage. He can do a lot if he tried. ED should not affect his ability to communicate and try to meet your needs.

Sorry I meant that perhaps he thinks it will lead to IC. The touch hugs etc.

What is hard LanaLary?

Any way we came together for the first time after the Cialis thing. I couldn't hold off anymore I needed intimacy. Any kind of intimacy. ED or no ED. I was starting not to function.

We cuddled for a long time then I touched her for a long time and she did come to climax. A first by that method. Then she did things to me and finally I managed IC. I only had a partial erection which was annoying but we were happy. We had been intimate. I am encouraged that she can now respond more to manual. Perhaps she knows that IC might or might not happen. It was a good time. We love each other and we are adjusting to what is at the present time. I know every time will be different but we can enjoy with or without it. It is what you make it perhaps.

LanaLary is a spammer.

I expect his post will be removed and along with his account - I've reported him this morning.

Sorry for the intrusion.