Is there any one room in the house you can designate your "safe" room when you are alone in the house? The room can be created by you but the rule is you cant think about her in that room or how the loss is affecting you. It can be for anything but anything regarding your impediment Is not allowed? Just a thought.

"I feel alone and wish she was here. I miss her more each day."

This is quite normal, of course. But think about a couple things:

(1) Do you miss *her*, as she is today? Not the past her, who is gone, but the present-day her, who has changed? How has present-day her treated you? What are her priorities and interests? How do they mesh (or, more likely, NOT mesh) with yours?

(2) Do you miss the *specific* her, or do you miss the *concept* of her? The concept of having that loving wife/mother, of being a united family. The wife in whom you only see positives and block out the negatives. Is she really who you miss, or is it the "fantasy" projection of her on your life? There may very well be a better woman out there for you, who will love you for being the family-oriented man that you are. And being with her, or stuck on her, may prevent you from ever meeting that better match. It seems crazy to think about when your world is being torn apart, and it's a risk because there is no guarantee that you will find the better match, but don't give up hope that she is out there.

In any case you'll need to get over her, and become a stronger you. I am working on the very same healing/empowerment process. It's really tough. We all have ups and downs. And all we can do is our best effort at any given moment.

Anyone here have expierience dealing with someone that has BPD? Borderline Personality Disorder? A friend of mine pointed out some of my wifes recent activities and suggest that maybe she has BPD, although not all of the symptoms fit, some do. I am not sure if this is really the case or not, but figured it was worth explorering....

Hey ESL, I'm no mental health expert, but my EX demonstrates most of the BPD calling cards. It really screwed with my head and I've done a lot of researching in the past few months. Try this site out for info, the forum is interesting as well.

http://shrink4men.com/

Keep your chin up.

im really struggling right now.. its taking every ounce of energy to not call or text her... Im not sure ill make it today... I have to see her later to drop the kids off, and im affraid i wont be able to contain my emotions... trying so hard... ;o(

Just remember how you feel after contact...it's a temp fix and you feel worse afterwards. The longer you can maintain it the easier it gets. This is a marathon not a sprint by any means. You are suffering withdrawal, it's difficult believe me I know I spent weekends struggling with it, now it's just my new normal, in fact I get irritated if she contacts me with her nonsense.

Well I lost it and texted her :(. She hasn't responded but I dropped of the kids and missed them. This isn't fair and isn't the life I want for them. I want my family whole. This is killing me.

You'll get there. Believe me spending weekends waiting for a response from someone who no longer wants you will get old eventually, you got to learn the hard way and that's ok.

Patience. Great that you are in counseling.
I can't speak for your wife, but I do think a lot of women feel a sense of losing themself. They are no longer the independent women, but now someone's wife, someone's mom, the pet's mom, etc....and they are no longer Sue, Jane (insert name)...
There is anger, resentment because they allowed themself to get to this point. They are probably exhausted and with the exhaustion, the feeling they have become just the housekeeper and childminder now and there is no end to this, just more work to come.
The resentment could at some point turn and the anger be towards their partner and other family members for burdening them.
I know it sounds a bit nutty, but that is my take on it.... as a mom of 3....who came to DS back in 2007. I've been there....

I wish you the best, don't give up. Stay in therapy.

Interesting post Wild, my ex gave me that same exact speech but the truth was she was seeing someone else and I suppose that was her story to make it "easier on me" or some bullshit. Maybe it's the truth sometimes but it sure wasn't with my split, unfortunately I didn't learnt the truth until months after I tossed her out after her declaration of not loving me anymore and wanting to find herself and blah blah bullshit blah

Wild- Thank you. I am curious though about your situation and view. Did you divorce or ultimately realize your feelings and sense of family and save or return to your marriage?

As someone who has experienced disacciociation I could not tell you whether or not it is a factor with your wife but if she was abused in any way the chances are she could disassociate and a lot of the diagnosis out there overlap so i could not tell you if she is in fact bpd. But i agree with #564.

Well... maybe it was a mistake, I dunno... But i picked up my daughter on sat to go upstate to a family party, before i left, i asked my wife if we could talk a min, she said yes. We sat down alone, and I basically just said.... That with or without me I just want her to be happy.. I asked her to take her time before doing anything legally to really make sure this is what she wants, that even if she doesn't believe in us, I do... I believe in us and I believe in our family. I said ill try very very hard to leave her alone during this time, but its hard for me for how strongly i feel for her and the kids. I said, you may see me being upset as weakness, but ive never been stronger in my confidence in us, and my tears are purely out of how much love I have for her and our family. I also said that i have never wanted anyone else, and I still dont.. I wont be dating anyone.. I want her, and I believe in us. It wasn't a very long talk, and although i didn't try, I did get a lil teary eyed and tried very hard to control it. She didn't really respond, I wasn't looking for one though... I could see her mind going, but have no idea if it was good or bad, doesn't matter right anyway... This is my last apeal to her, There is nothing more I can say or do right now. For me, things aren't getting any easier, I know it takes time, but i miss her everyday, and Still feel i am in love with her. I know its a process, and i dont know how long it will take for me, but right now, I dont want anything other then her and my family whole... If I have to let her go, I will, and ill pray everyday that in some time she will come back to me... My world is shattered, and im trying to live day by day now, love my kids, love myself, and be a strong as i can be... I dont fully understand what she is going through, what she is feeling and thinking. I know this isn't her, and it isn't the person i married... I still have hope that person is in there, that she is going through an emotional or mental issue that i can not comprehend.... I hope she can pull herself through this, and if she can, ill be there open arms... until then i am going to try my hardest to just enjoy what i can each day... enjoy my kids, consume my free time with friends , family and work. Im not willing to loose sight of what i want, of what is most important to me... I can't keep her from giving up, but i can keep myself from giving up... If she files for divorce, and meets someone else its out of my control... it will be devistating to me, but ill know then that i didn't give up on her or my family, and that I tried everything, i sacrificed everythng for my beliefs and for my kids. I pray to god that she comes back... I just can't do anything else about it.

She asked for a separation, she moved out. Most people who do this made up their minds a long time ago. I feel the same way, that my stbx is mentally unstable, that, he will realize moving in with the OW won't work out, that he will come running back to me when he realizes he was wrong to leave. As most people have pointed out, that almost never happens. People fall out of love all the time. You still love your wife I, for reasons unknown to me, still love my stbx. That, my friend, is our cross to bear.

You can try to justify her actions with any kind of reason, including she is BPD or some other mental/stress disorder, I know I was told the same thing when my ex started acting out of the "norm". And altho my ex does have an anger issue she needs help with, she was acting our of the "norm" because she was cheating / interested in someone else. That is usually the main reason. Even those that may have a mental / stress disorder, by putting themselves in that situation, it can cause an even higher or more erratic behavior. Your ex's is not erratic. She is actually quite the opposite.

Your wife made a conscious decision, much like coops and my ex. They were in to someone else.

She is in to someone else.

That look on her face, that silence from her side while YOU are having a one-sided conversation, is not that she is weighing what you are saying, its more a matter of she has disenged and isn't really listening to you. Unfortunately.

You have made your final attempt, again. And while you may make one more final attempt, soon you will stop trying to get her to see what you see. You will stop making the attempts because you will know your attempts are falling on an empty space in her heart and mind for you. You will start to realize, what she is doing and why she did what she did and you will be able to detach yourself and see her for who she really is. You can't see it now, regardless of what she has or is going to put your through. But to be honest, she has walked away, she is keeping that distance now and she is enacting on the no contact herself. She knows she can't and doesn't want to tell you what you want to hear. So she is saying nothing.

Please don't put any more "reasons" or excuses on this for her. There are none. She is in to someone else and is going about with her life in her new direction and her concern for you, was left at your doorstep as she, (or her new friend), drove the uhaul away.

Im sorry.