ESL, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I called you a fool yesterday.

I know you are hurting, and I do understand. I wasted months, a year almost hurting over someone who didn't treat me well, was abusive and just a bad person. You are doing some of the same things I did, and I hate seeing that, because it was such a waste of my valuable time. It took me a long time to realize that I deserved better. When I look back on how desperate I was to have him love me, I feel like a fool. I wasn't married to him, but I was controlled, and when he broke up with me, I felt like my world was ending. I had no self esteem, no friends, my family and I were on the outs. I felt like I was losing everything when that relationship ended and I didn't know how I would survive. It was despair like I've never felt. At times I wanted to die-not suicidal-but I didn't know how to live without him. It resembles the despair I see you going through. I don't like seeing someone else go through it, and honestly, I just want to shake you till you see you deserve better. She doesn't deserve your despair.

I understand, and thank you.... I have slowly been getting strong i think... I did cry yesterday but it was mid day and a few minutes... She dropped the kids off yesterday evening, and she lingered at the house... She tried talking to me about several things, our daughters birthday party and such, I was short and quiet. At one point she asked me... "are you ok?" I just shook my head yes, and continued with the kids. She eventually left saying good by to the kids, and saying buy guys as she walked out, I didn't respond. I felt the urge to cry then, but held it back. I feel like she wants to try to be pals, but i can't, I can't be half in with her right now, and i can't look at her without feeling pain. I have to see her again today for a meeting about my son's school, im not looking forward to that either. but its for my son so ill be there.

I look at that encounter as a small victory. Be proud of it.

Had our meeing for our son today, I was quiet again towards her, I could see her look at me several times, but i didn't look at her... I spoke up once or twice about my son, but let her do most of the talking with the service cooridinators. Afterwards we walked out, and talked a min with two of the counslers that walked out with us, then we split... I just walked away.. she said good bye as i walked away i softly said bye got in my car and pulled away without looking at her. She called me a few minutes later on my cell and I didn't answer... no message... Very hard for me, as this goes against all that i am. I cried on the way back to my office, I tried to keep telling myself that this is what she wants, so she can have it. im not sure if this strength will last, but im trying... I miss her dearly... I wish i cuold change things still and im still in love with her.

You're doing great, stay strong.
Believe it or not it does get easier. Take care

Strong work ESL. You're not betraying your values. You didn't behave unkindly towards her or mistreat her. You're simply protecting yourself.

Try not to focus on your positive feelings for her. As CharlieGirl mentioned the other day, the person you love is gone. That person wouldn't have left her loving husband. The current version of your wife doesn't deserve the high regard you used to have for her. Just continue to treat her politely and try to limit contact to issues regarding your children.

She has texted me twice since her attempted call... once asking me how i thought the meeting went... I didn't respond... a just now saying... " You had to see the look on your face" again I haven't responded... No idea what she is talking about, i guess thats he point in an attempt to get a response from me... When i ignore her it seems she tried harder? I dont really understand it.... Part of me wants to be angry and mean and respond to leave me alone. But i know i need to keep some kinda peace as we still have to deal with the kids together.... Not sure if I should respond or not.... thoughts?

Simple.......she's trying to relieve her guilt.
Please know it's all about her now. I've been where you are man, it's hell, I totally get it. But she made her choice so make her live with it. You're not her buddy, her source of relief. My ex used to do that too, want to chit chat because it was comfortable for her. We had 24 years but she needed to get the message, if you don't want ALL of me you don't get the friendly encouraging helpful part of me either.
These are my thoughts. I was way too friendly early on and it just helped her get over me. It was self serving. This is the sad truth.
Keep it about the kids only. Believe me you'll be miles ahead in the long run. The ONLY thing that would change things is if she stated "I made a mistake and want to work on us"...anything else is just chatter.
Trust me in this.
You're doing great we are really rooting for you.

If her question about the meeting regarding the kids needs a response a simple "I thought it was fine" is acceptable...That's
Kid related
About a look on your face...ignore. That's baiting for a response.
I will not respond to my ex anymore unless it's kid related and always short and to the Point and via text or email. She told me "it would be nice if you called me instead"...I'm sure it would be...for HER. Not for me and my moving forward. They need to feel the consequences.

Great job with the boundaries! Just keep it up and keep them up, too. I'm with coop. She wants things to be "nice" so she doesn't feel bad. I don't thing there is anything wrong, if she continues to try and contact you, to tell her that you are busy and unless it is an emergency, to please leave you alone. The wanting to see your face comment was because she wanted you to respond. My thoughts are she wants to see you still have feelings for here, even though she doesn't have them for you, because then she at least knows she can keep you on the back burner for a while in case the grass isn't as green as she thinks it is. I had a friend tell me something, it may help you: "When someone treats you like an option, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation". Remove yourself from her equation.

Thanks all. I'm trying to give her what she wants. Doesn't want me. Can't have me

Well my strength was short lived. My son is asking for her and it breaks my heart. I'm crying and want to call her right now. I'm fighting every urge right now. I want her back. I want my family back.

My son does the same thing. Asks "when is daddy coming home". I understand your pain and your desire for her to make it ok. For you desire to call her. I guts us when we know our kids hurt too. Give your son lots of hugs, tell him how much you love him. You can do this. It hurts everytime they ask, but you reaction to it gets easier each time. Just remember this is a big change for the kids too. It's not your fault, but it's your responsibility to make them feel loved when they are with you. Just be the dad we all know that you are. Stay strong.

Some of the best comments yet on this thread from coop and sja:

#548, #549, #550. Review those ESL. Such truth.

I hope you can reach a mindset sometime soon where you stop trying to love her. I know you love her. I love(d?) my wife too. Not sure what I feel right now - having a strong day and feeling like she is toxic and I'll be better off without her.

But really, even if your wife is a good person who treats you ok, and that is *quite* debatable given all you have revealed here, she is someone who does not want to be with you anymore. And someone who has very selfishly tried to salve her own hurt at your expense. This is not good.

At some point you really do need to realize she is not good for you anymore. You don't necessarily need to demonize her (as I have done with my stbx, deservedly so IMO), but you do need to realize that the connection you had is gone. People change and it sucks terribly. All my old friends say I haven't changed much at all since high school (in personality and important viewpoints, etc). Meanwhile my wife 5 years ago versus today seems like a completely different person.

Your actions today were good - shut down any random chit-chat. That is crap. It serves her and hurts you. All calls and texts are unemotional and business-only. That's the only way to survive this. And after you've gone a while without the emotional calls/talks, she'll get the picture. And that will help you heal!

Put her out of your mind, to the extent you can, and focus on the kids. There is a new normal. I am just now accepting it in my life. It seems like a HUGE step backwards for me. But in my more positive moments I am looking at it as an opportunity. I was in an unhealthy relationship, and I was unhappy. You probably were too, even though you elevate it and put it on a pedestal. There are paths ahead that may improve both of our lives. Just acknowledge that possibility and hang on.

Took off of work today to spend the day with the kids. We had a great day. But i came home with them and just felt empty again. I feel alone and wish she was here. I miss her more each day.